Can you help with my very, VERY slow eater?

[HelloMama]

My daughter is 10 and is an extremely slow eater. To the extent that it will take her 45 minutes to eat a toasted bagel in the morning, over an hour (if we let her!) to eat her evening dinner with the family, etc. I just don't know what to do!

We eat a very varied diet and I would not say she is a fussy eater - she loves vegetables, pulses, beans, meat, rice, pasta - eats almost everything, but very, VERY slowly. This takes the form of taking tiny bites, or cutting things into small amounts; day-dreaming between mouthfuls, chatting, and generally not concentrating on eating.... If we say, "Are you full up, you don't have to finish everything on your plate, shall we take your plate away?" she'll often say no and want to continue eating, so I don't think its a ploy to not eat a full meal, although I have considered this.

Its just really frustrating as mornings take a looooooong time because breakfast is such an arduous process and family dinner times (we always eat together in the evening) are now a bit stressful as brother wants to leave the table and we need to start dishes etc.... how long do we wait it out? She often doesn't eat her whole packed lunch at school either because she takes so long that the other kids go out and play, so she says she didn't 'have time' to finish lunch as she wanted to leave and join her friends.

Has anyone else had this issue? I'm starting to get worried. I thought it would just be a phase, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Hi - provided you're satisfied she's not restricting her intake intentionally, I would leave her be. I was extremely fussy as a child and took ages to eat anything and didn't like big quantities... i know you say she isn't fussy, but I can still relate. I ended up with an eating disorder by the age of 10, because of the yelling matches and ultimatums at every meal time. Don't make a big deal of it. Offer a wide variety of food, enjoy mealtimes and clean up without comment at the end. The more you make an issue of it, the more it will be an issue.

Thanks blackswan. That's exactly what we want to avoid, so trying v hard not to make a big deal of it. It's just the practicalities of 1 hour + mealtimes is quite tricky and just wondering if there's a better way of managing it. But maybe we just need to carry on the way we are and wait for it to pass?

Any reason why her brother can't get down from the table when he and you are finished and you can start the plates while she's still at the table? I might be mistaken but it reads as though you're all sitting at the table waiting for her to finish. If she sees everybody else is off doing other stuff it might give her a kick up the bum to hurry up. However my stepchild was a very slow eater and he has gradually got faster as he's got older.

My dd is the same, not fussy at all but takes forever to eat. We just leave the table and let her get on with it as we'd be there all night otherwise. Drives me nuts.

Her brother does eventually get down from the table- we all do, as we literally can't sit there all night! It's just affecting family time as eating out etc is hard work as we're sat there in a restaurant, or eating fish and chips on the beach etc and no one can have a pudding, or carry on with the beach walk until she's done. But she has no urgency about her! Like BlackSwan says, I don't want to sit there telling her to hurry up but it's starting to make eating out and mealtimes in general really difficult for the rest of us. It's driving ME nuts georgedawes!

It's very healthy habit, if that's any consolation.
We had one lad when I was a dinner lady... after an hour he often hadn't finished his small lunch, never went out to play. I felt bad for him sitting on his own, but what could we do?

DS is slow. Luckily he doesn't eat much, and has finally sped up a bit, too (now 9yo). I hate to discourage my kids from chatting, but We had to scold him Not to Talk so he actually ate. Used to nag him bite by bite.

In my culture no-one has to stay at table until others are done (meals of 15+ people, nobody enjoys a mass wait & stare), so I don't really go with that waiting thing, anyway. I think you can move on to pudding without her or plan everyone to have their dessert in another way (say ice cream cones while playing on the beach).

It's annoying isn't it? The only success (ish) we've had is by putting a clock up (was actually to help with learning the time but now used for tea times!) and just saying you have 30 mins, or whatever, to eat.

We didn't want to create any pressure on eating so tried to explain it as being about time for other things such as after school activities and so on. So it's up to her if she hurries up or not. Telling her to hurry up has little effect as I think she just tunes me out.

Probably sounds a bit mean but we had to do it because she would spend ages eating when it was bed time, meaning she was knackered for school. She has quite a big appetite which is not a great combination when you take an age to eat a solitary pea!!!! She does understand a bit better now though that if I say she needs to be finished by X then it's her own call if she's hungry.

The other thing I did was film her eating and play it back to her..it actually looks like it's in slow motion but isn't. She was a bit embarrassed but can't say it changed much!!

I'm not as mean as I sound, honest!! But when your kid spends five hours eating a day and still needs 11 hours sleep, something has to give!

Does she also have any problems with speech and/or general movement? Hypotonia aka low muscle tone can be one cause.
Does she say some things are hard to chew, things other family members have no problems with?

Does she have any issues with large tonsils/adenoids? (You won't be able to see the adenoids, but general mouth breathing as though she has a bunged up nose would be an indicator.) These can cause serious issues with appetite and speed of eating.

Erm, please don't film her, embarrass her and change diddly squat, as mentioned above

Why can’t anyone have a pudding until she’s finished?! Also if sitting at the table watching her is stressy then don’t do it! It’s no big deal!

No need for the drama David! I filmed her for about 5 seconds as a joke..which she found funny too, although not sure it made her eat any quicker!! It did help make the point a little though that she is actually very slow and I'm not just nagging for the sake of it. I don't think she is needing therapy just yet.

We used a timer - he had an extra 15 minutes once everyone else had finished then plates were cleared away. No one was made to wait for him though.

DS1 was like this, it drove me insane. My ex used to get really annoyed at him which just made it worse. In the end we just let him get on with it and cleared the table, washed up and got on with things as he sat and finished. He got quite a bit better as he got older, then he suddenly hit puberty and massive growth spurts leading to an incredible appetite. He then seemed to develop the opposite problem, he shovels it all in too fast now to get to the next bit! He has dyspraxia and his muscle tone isn't great but improved a lot at the same time - now wondering if this was connected?

Has she had any problems with her speech?
Does she splutter when she has a drink or are there any problems with her chewing food?

Did she have reflux has a younger child? Does she have a fear of being sick or feeling full?

Thanks for all the replies.

In answer to Q's: She doesn't have issues with speech or muscle tone. But I do think she is a bit worried / doesn't like the feeling of being over full. She is just having some investigations into coeliacs currently as she has had some issues about tummy aches and things. She does have / has ALWAYS had large tonsils, but no sore throats. I guess that could make swallowing hard.

The thing about waiting for pudding etc, is that in a restaurant, you generally don't order dessert until everyone has finished and they have cleared the dishes etc, which is why our son gets cross because we just have to sit and wait for her, FOR AGES...! At home, he just clears his plate, grabs his yoghurt or whatever; he doesn't wait for her. But we do encourage him to stay at the table for a bit to chat and talk together, as we see dinner time as family time... but after 40+ minutes, he normally ends up leaving and going to his room or whatever.

At restaurants why don’t you just order her a main and you all start eating at the same time (whether you get starters or just skip to mains). Then when the rest of you are ready order your dessert. If she isn’t ready then she doesn’t get dessert. I know it seems a bit harsh, but you can’t be held to ransom.

Our rule is that the kids can get down when the adults have finished - until then they have to stay at the table chatting or whatever, but they don't have to wait their siblings out.

I'd let DD stay at the table as long as she wants, but the rest of you get up and carry on around her once both adults have finished.

We have the rule mainly because dc3 wouldn't eat at all some meals if he was allowed to get down when he asked, he'd rather play than eat. I am strongly against setting an amount he has to eat so prefer to set the rule that he stays at the table for the length of time it takes adults who are chatting etc at the same time to eat their meal. It means he usually has a nibble at his food at least, these days.

Worth a try.

Ds is unable to eat quickly, he will throw up and gag and start choking. At home he eats at his own pace, we eat at ours, he is often eating while I am clearing up, sometimes he can watch something on the iPad while he is finishing.

In a restaurant, he often eats very little (he is very fussy), but we order puddings all at the same time, even if he us eating. It's no big deal.

The large tonsils may definitely be making things hard.... One of my DC has always been the most ridiculously slow eater, with a teeny tiny appetite. His tonsils had sunk as he got older, but he was still mouth breathing. He had tonsils and adenoids out to deal with sleep apnea (adenoids turned out to be humongous), and it's transformed his eating in a way I didn't envisage - he's seriously eating about four times as much, and has gone from just above 9th centile for height and weight, to 50th centile, in 6 weeks!

I'd highly recommend trying to get an ENT consultant to think about this if it's affecting her eating this much, just in case it may be a contributing factor.

I'd seriously advise not leaving her without pudding in a restaurant while others are having it - she doesn't sound as if she's "holding you to ransom", just as if she's incapable of eating faster. I do know how frustrating it is...I had nearly 7 years of it!