"Mummy, am I fat?" - what if the answer is yes?

[AChickenCalledKorma]

Am struggling with how to help DD2, who has just turned 7 and is, undeniably, putting on weight. The curvy toddler belly has just never shifted, and is now starting to get bigger.

We are not in denial and are working on cutting out snacks, being more active etc, which I'm sure is the right way to go. Looking at her BMI (without her knowing!), she's just into the "overweight" category, but not too far above normal, so we ought to be able to bring it under control.

The trouble is, she's now comparing herself to others and asking the question "am I fat?" To which the honest answer is "yes, a bit, but don't worry we can sort it out". But I'm terrified of starting her down a route of poor body image etc etc etc.

It doesn't help that her big sister is off the opposite end of the scale and skinny as a rake!

turn it round and ask her what she thinks? Find out where it is coming from? Then you can tell her about the healthy eating/ exercise thing, without having to say yes.

I agree with Nagoo. How is her sister, would she tell DD2 that she is fat?

You will probably have to start taking your dd2's weight much more serious now as there is the risk that it becomes a problem for her.

Try to really increase physical activity. Swimming is brilliant, ball sports (lots of running involved), gymnastics, dance. Try to make sure that she gets 1 hour proper exercise every day (and over time try to increase this to slightly more to control her weight if necessary).

It might also help to always have a supply of healthy snacks ready for when she comes home from school/activities (mainly fruit/raw veg) and to encourage her to drink lots of water.

If you can afford it enrol her in a number of different activities. If this is not possible, then you may have to do it together with her (and maybe dd1), i.e. swimming, running, tennis, cycling, etc.

She is still very young, so hopefully it will not be too painful for her to adjust to a new regime. Do not single her out though, so healthy snacks for whole family, try to get other family members on board.

Thanks both of you. Turning it around to "what do you think" is a good idea. I don't think her sister would throw it in her face, but you never know what will happen when sisters fight!

I'm working on the healthy snacks - we have got into bad habits there which i'm trying to shift. For my benefit as much as DD2s!

Have signed her up for a dance club this term - she does swimming already. Finding more ways to get active is pretty key, I think, she is definitely a child that prefers to sit with a book.

I would make sure you cover it from both sides - you shouldn't be too fat but equally you shouldn't be too skinny. You need to be somewhere in the middle and then you could discuss the sorts of things re food and exercise that you can do to be in the middle.

Watching this as same here, one skinny minny and one filling out rapidly. They are twins and I don't want to make an issue of it. Very difficult

Sandyballs - that must be even harder if they are twins.

I did get a bit irritated yesterday when DH got in from work and hit the snacks hard. He needs to eat ... he cycles 7 miles home from work ... but it's pretty tough to keep DD2's snacks under control when she sees Daddy demolishing them!

Cycling 7 miles is hardly an excuse for demolishing snacks. It's not exactly a marathon. It's just a habit he's got into. Don't buy the snacks, then nobody will be tempted, and everyone will have to snack on fruit and vedge.

V difficult
I was a fat child - and can honestly say that my mother was a v bad role model. Ate nothing all day then would eat packets of biscuits at night and eat her supper quicker than anyone else.
It wasn't until I left home that I saw just how unhealthy that is. My mother is still overweight and I am relatively thin.
ALL about setting an example!

I was a chubby child and I was v conscious of it from a young age despite my family never, to my memory, saying anything about it. Perhaps making it about the family is the key - eating healthily and exercising together in a fun way as a family. My Mum tried giving me healthy packed lunches (apples, salad, etc.) and family meals but our family was not into physical activity. We did music, crafts, games, reading, etc. I'm sure developing a positive attitude to activity is key to being a healthy bodyweight, especially as fitness is more important than thinness.

My nearly 9 year old dd has a body type that puts weight on quickly - and she tends to get chubby on holiday, with ice creams, meals out etc She then loses it again in term time, usually, but this past year she's lost it less easily, I guess as her body starts to change to pre-puberty Her little sister is also the long skinny type who can eat anything, so I do relate.

I tend to talk about 'healthy bodies' and 'healthy eating' rather than fat/thin - but this summer, as she's older now and discusses it all with her friends anyway, I used the words she uses but without attaching emotion to any of it: ie 'I get a bit fatter on holiday because I eat more treats, then I need to eat more healthily again to be fit' or if she says 'my tummy looks fat' (rare she does, admittedly) I might laugh and say 'does it? Maybe all those puddings you had - time for a bit of fruit instead!' and not make a big deal of it.

Its such a minefield, isn't it.

Role modelling, as someone else said, is hugely important I think.

Activity is important for all round fitness and health, but apparently weight is far more dependent on food than exercise - or so my GP says.

I give my dds raw veggies to snack on (cucumber, carrots, tomatoes, peppers) in front of the TV for a short break before their supper in the evening - always have done - they eat it without thinking because they are a) hungry and b) distracted and it means they fill up on healthy veggies before hitting the other stuff. I have noticed that healthy snacks, as opposed to biscuits etc, make a huge difference to dd1's weight - we all fall into bad habits sometimes!

Same here 2 skinny boys and 1dd that isn't. She has asked about being fat from school healthy living topic (not teasing). I asked whether she thought she was, she said she was skinny (which isn't the case)... so I said the important thing is to be healthy, eat good foods etc, which she does.

She has lost some roundness, so keeping that up, so when tweenie age hits she isn't at heavy end of healthy.

I may be crucified for what I'm about to say...

I had same problem. DS (8) has an enormous appetite. Eats healthy food, but constantly hungry (partly due to a neurological condition). We ended up giving him 14 hours of hard exercise a week (Rugby, sailing, squash, etc) but the weight still went on, even when he'd converted fully to a low GI diet (bloody difficult to get to with a child)

It is finally coming off, thanks to the karate instructor he adores, who just so happens to be a personal trainer. He now has a personal training session with my son once a week, and DS & I work out 3 times a week following a recommended routine. Within a month we've had people commenting on his improving 'figure' (for want of a better word), and even though he still looks like the rufty tufty scrum-half that he is, his confidence has sky-rocketed. He's only been back at school a week but so far no-one has called him 'fatty' (the refrain that had him in tears last year). If you are at wits end (as I was) I fully recommend it.

Don't see why you should be crucified for that StillSquiffy. Sounds like you've found a solution that your son enjoys (otherwise his confidence wouldn't have sky-rocketed). That's the holy grail as far as I'm concerned - finding something that DD2 loves doing that will keep her active enough to (a) burn off excess calories and (b) do less boredom-induced snacking! Interestingly enough, we had a trip to a theme park over the summer holidays when she didn't express any hunger whatsoever for about a five hour period. That's unheard of normally!

Watching with interest as DS is concerned about his weight. I've realised that I am a dreadful role model, I've had hardly any energy due to a health issue for over a year, so he's never seen me exercise.

I've been better lately so we've taken up swimming, which he loves, and I need to add in something else to help.

He's another sedentary kid, no interest in toys and play unless another child is around. As he's an only that makes life difficult!

My daughter lost a lot of weight when she was that age by only having water or milk to drink. I phoned the dentist and asked him to say that to her. She was a really conscientious girl and did exactly as she was told. I never weighed her but I think she lost several pounds over a few months that way - she used to drink a lot of juice and occasionally (once a week perhaps) had a coke.

One thing she does now (as a young adult) is hula hooping. She puts some music on, clears the room and does it for an hour or so. It burns off a lot of calories.

What about something like skipping? That can burn off a lot of calories, too.

So glad I've seen this thread

DS1 (9) is as skinny as a rake, DS2 (7) is, at best, tubby. He has Type 1 diabetes too so this makes it even more pressing that we get his weight under control - he currently weighs significantly more than his big brother

DH and I had a long chat about this last night and have come to pretty much the same conclusion as the rest of you - more exercise and a stricter diet. He swims once a week and does Stage School at the weekend, but we are adding an after-school sports club and Rugby from this week in addition to family walks/cycle rides at the weekends. Not sure how impressed he will be with this as he is never happier than with his head in a book...

I got a letter home at the end of term - after the Reception weigh ins and DD was 1% into the overweight spectrum. I had noticed she was looking a little chubby, and decided we would sort it out over the summer.
I think during term time we fall into habits of poor snacking and not having the same opportunities for exercise - over the holidays she had been running around and on her scooter at every opportunity, without particularly trying too hard, the diet shifted a bit - fewer biscuits, just the odd sweet - and she has slimmed down. I'm trying to keep this up and have thought about what I'm putting in her lunchbox and have reduced it a bit - and now need to think about keeping active.

Gosh, i think you need to tread very carefully here. Firstly, as others have said it may have come from the other children, or just that she has noticed that she is slightly bigger than the others.

So there are two issues - one is is she a healthy weight? So maybe chat to your GP? Look back at your families? are you overwieight? were you maybe a bit chubby as a child but lost the puppy fat? or did you continue to be overweight? A healthy diet can only be a good thing and cutting out lots of fatty sugary foods again, only good, but don't put her on a diet!

Most important issue - her self esteem. I don't think you should say "yes, you are overweight but don't worry we can sort it out" because thats going to make her feel that something is wrong, something needs changing about who she is.

If this were me, i think my approach would be to manage the diet, making sure you that you explain to DD about healthy foods, but don't steer the conversation towards "fat" if that makes sense. Then maybe increase the activity she does in some way - bike rides? after school gym club? Not because she needs to lose weight but beause its fun! Don't make it about her size, she might be one of thse people who tends towards being bigger. Just like folk who i know (the fuckers!) who eat eat eat, all sorts of crap and look like existing.

I am one of those people that no matter how much i diet, i am always overweight, but im very fit and eat a healthy diet, i refuse to starve myself though so as long as i can cycle 30 miles in a good time and not feel knackered, im not going to worry about being a size 20! If that makes sense.

You do not want your DD fighting with her body image the whole time, just making sure she eats well and exercises is really all you can do.

"who eat eat eat (the fuckers!), all sorts of crap and look like the existing" WTF? i cant even blame my phone(on lap top) - this is what happens when im trying to type on mnet and my DP is talking to me at the same time!! I probably just told him to go an make a cabinet for his client that looks like a stick insect!!