Feel like the worst mum in the world

[lizzywig]

My now 10mo DD fell ill on 18 July, 5 days before I returned to work from my mat leave. It was just a cold and a small cough but once she started nursery and stopped getting as much sleep in the day (going from almost 4hrs to not even 2). I fell ill the day before I returned to work. I managed at work for 3 weeks before the doctor signed me off with flu, later discovering horrendously low iron levels from pregnanacy. I kept DD off nursery for the week before I was off ill and family looked after her, then the first week I was off ill she was at home with me (and family came over to look after her while I slept).

After a couple of weeks she was then about 98% better and so that I could get better without worrying about her she went back to nursery. My flu had evolved into an ear infection and I'd had two courses of antibiotics and steriods but nothing was shifting it. DH works there so I had no concerns that she wouldn't be ok. She's been ok the last couple of weeks but not her usual self and still with a minor cold.

A few days ago she just seemed to rapidly go downhill, the cold is a little worse but not much but she started refusing to eat (this is what she does when she's very poorly). When she was 7mo we dropped one bottle and she was on 4 a day, because she's been so ill on/off for such a long time we haven't have the opportunity to drop another yet. I don't want to do it until I know she's well. So she should be having 4x7oz bottles & 3 meals a day. Day before yesterday she only had half of everything. Yesterday she had the following:

Morning bottle: 1oz
Bfast: weatabix
Lunch: ate half
1pm bottle: 4oz
4pm bottle: refused
Dinner: refused but ate a rusk and a yogurt
7pm bottle: refused

She had more sleep at nursery than she's ever had there before, then she fell asleep in the car on the way home and then had a 40 min nap when she got home! By the time she got home her temperature was 37.5 and she woke 3 times in the night (has sleep through since 9 weeks old the majority of the time), at one point her temperature was 38.9.

By this morning her temp was 37 but she went to nursery because I woke up feeling really unwell (from all the getting up and not being 100% yet) and have to go back to work on Monday, I need to get better. DH said he'd bring DD home at lunch time if she seemed worse but I feel AWFUL about this.

I keep offering her milk and water and strip her off when she's hot but other than that I don't know what to do?! I've been giving her baby paracetamol too. I just feel awful because DH says she's been crying every time he leaves her at nursery - she never cries EVER!

Your post is very confused, possibly because you're not feeling well yourself. Even so, you seem to be swinging between beating yourself up for not looking after your DD properly and defending sending her to nursery, even though you know she's not well, because you want to stay in bed.

Well, I'm sorry. You can't have it both ways. If she's ill, she should be at home, and either you, or someone else, needs to be looking after her there. If you're too ill to cope, perhaps your dh can take some emergency leave?

Stop wallowing in self pity. 'Wo'man up a bit. Your her mum. She's ill. You need to look after her.

As a final point, how on earth could you send a child who had a 38.9 degree temperature in the night to nursery this morning? I don't care that she was down to 37, she's obviously ill. Or maybe you're just so enormously, blindingly, hugely selfish that you not only de-prioritise your own DD, but you also don't care about any of the other children at the nursery that she is going to infect.

And if your dh works at the nursery, how can he justify bringing in a child that he knows has been ill? He knows perfectly well she shouldn't be there.

Thank you so much for your compansion, I have obviously come to the right place!! I was looking for advice on what to do. Yes I am unwell, I have been (seriously) unwell and mostly bedridden for 4 weeks, not to mention ill for almost 9. I am talking about me to put it into context. I have no friggin idea how to look after a sick baby and that is why I am asking, I am asking what to do???? Not for criticism. I am in no way wallowing in self pitty. I feel guilty for not knowing what is best to do. I didn't know that I shouldn't send her in today, why would I, no one told me. Don't tell me common sense. I was trying to find a way to get better so that I can look after her because there is no one else. DH can't take time off because he is the chef, if he doesn't go in then the children don't eat! It's too late for him to arrange agency to go in. We called DH's boss before we sent her and she said it was fine to send her in! So that was the advice we took.

Sounds like you and your DC have had a rough time of illness recently and combined with the upheaval of starting nursery and going back to work - very stressful, I'm sure. You're not a bad mum you're just trying to cope and get through it best you can.

Have you been back to the Dr with your DD? Its possible that she's just been unlucky with recovering and being at a low ebb and picked up another infection, but it could possibly be something left over from the first infection (ears, chest type of thing).

I would say though that your DD probably needs to be at home though. If she's had a temperature in the night then she's still ill and really shouldn't be at nursery. She's not going to be too happy there and might spread it around. I know its hard when you're feeling so ropey too. Could DH come home for a half day or have you any friends or family nearby?

Almost the weekend.....hope you and your DD feel better soon!

Ignore the last poster they obviously can't remember what its like to not know what to do. When my ds aged 18 months at the time was ill I was so freaked I got my partner to stay off. I phoned NHS direct and they said as long as he was still taking in fluids to just let him rest and sleep till he got better. If the temperature goes bak up to 38 call up NHS direct and speak to them they'll be able to advise you.
It's no fun looking after a little one and I applaud your honesty on here there area some dragons on mn.
Hope I helped.

It sounds like you've had a rough time with your health recently and I hope you feel better soon.
You really shouldn't be sending a child who has had a temperature of that much to nursery the next day, regardless of it being settled by the morning. If she is infective it will spread to the other children. Your husband should know this if he works there!
Is she teething at all? Give her paracetamol suspension and plenty of fluids and food where she wants it. She should be resting if she is unwell and will need more sleep than usual.
I think you should get more clued up on children's health and take her to the gp if you are concerned. She can't tell you what's wrong so she is relying on you to look after her.

Meant to add NHS direct is a great resource and can answer any questions at any time of the day. The website is great too.

Hmm...I see there are no other options for looking after her. Well....in that case I might either pick her up now and then put her down for a looong nap - she'll sleep better at home than at nursery, so you might get a better sleep if she's more rested tonight as well. If she doesn't sleep...shove on a lot of CBeebies (assuming she's interested enough to watch it for a bit). Have you got any Berocca or high dose vit C? Quite good at getting a person's energy level up for a bit.

Good point about cbeebies! It's a godsend if you're feeling ill. Put it on and cuddle up.

Definetly cbeebies can be heavenly when u feel crappy

I really do sympathise because there is nothing worse than looking after sick children when you do not feel well yourself.

OTOH....I think all parents have had sleepless nights and then cared for sick children. I well remember having a temperature of 39 and vomiting 3 times in the night and then looking after two unwell children, as well as driving my (very) sick pregnant wife to A&E when I also had flu. Shit happens and you do have to accept that what applied before children no longer applies. It is (surely) common sense not to send a sick child to nursery?! Even if you have never had a sick child yourself, surely you remember being "off school" when you were sick.

Sick children, like adults, need rest, being kept at a relatively stable temperature and allowing their immune systems to do the job for which they are very well equipped. In addition, how would you feel if another parent sent a clearly unwell child to nursery to sneeze/vomit/breathe all over your baby? Try and use support, a chef is not a surgeon and no one will die if he cannot work. I am sure the nursery can use an agency or even buy in some lunches in extremis. Otherwise, other friends without children, relatives, anyone really who is compassionate and can give you a couple of hours in bed and look after your daughter. Keep your daughter regularly dosed with calpol/calprofen and take cues from her about eating and drinking. And, if worried, seek professional help (doc or A&E...not NHS direct who are useless).

Sorry your feeling so awful I do know what it's like but I have to say I really wouldn't have sent her to nursery.. With regards to no knowing what to do... what don't you know??
Put it this way when you are unwell what do you do? You don't want to go out and you want to take something to help right!? So I would say treat children the same.. Keep her home and tend to her needs.. And course if you are at all worried see your GP. It's hard when you are unwell and you need to look after them but that's just the way it goes, not everyone has someone who can help out they just need to try as best as can be to get through it.

Oh, OP, you sound really really stressed... And that first reply was thoroughly nasty. Why was it all down to the OP to decide? Why didn't her DH make the call?

I think you need to let DH deal with this one; he is not ill. You are. I think he may have to take the time off tomorrow, and the nursery need to find cover.

And hope you both feel better soon

OP....maybe you've decided not to come back after the initial 'caring' response. Anyway...if your DD is still up during the night and very unsettled, I would try and take her to the Dr. Bit tricky if you've no weekend service (who has?!) but might be worth it considering you're meant to be going back to work on Mon. An ear or chest infection can be secondary to an initial infection, such as a respiratory infection. Especially if she possibly hasn't shifted fully the initial respiratory infection. I'm not advising you to desparately seek treatment, but a secondary chest or ear infection can be bacterial which they can be shiftable with antibiotics (plus, if it was, then she wouldn't be infectious to other children...the initial viral cold would have been, but a bacterial infection as a result of it wouldn't be). Anyway, worth a shot sometimes.

(And BTW before anyone jumps on the antibiotics over-prescribing route - yes absolutely, but if you see your Dr and they think its worthwhile then I would go by their advice. My Dr's will advise a wait and see approach, which I also adhere to if they think its worthwhile).

I would also say that flu....proper flu is truly ghastly and will absolutely knock you for six. My Mum had one of the famous flu's in the 70s (while having to look after us..absolutely hideous apparently) - and she cited the £50 test. it was proper flu if you couldn't even get out of bed to get £50 lying on the floor. A friend had flu recently and she is rock hard when it comes to illness - but she was absolutely floored. Takes a while to get back on your feet. Be good to yourself this weekend!