If you've had a child who's gone through cancer/chemo/extended hospital visits, what was the most useful thing your friends did to help you?

[Olihan]

Title says most of it really.

Her 5yo ds is undergoing chemo atm, she has 2 other dds, one older, one younger and her DH works away all week (he's self employed, they rely solely on his income so he can't take time off - no work = no pay and no further contracts). No family close by who can help.

He has a treatment every 3 weeks when he has to be in hospital for 3 days and 2 nights so she has no one to look after her girls. SS told her she would have to leave her ds in hospital on his own overnight if she had no one at home so there's no help there.

Plus there's any unscheduled admissions for infections, etc between treatments which could be at any time of the day or night.

I was thinking of organising a washing cycle and food cycle so she isn't having to worry about clean uniform and evening meals, etc.

Also a list of people she can call on if she needs to do an emergency dash to hospital while her dh is away.

But I'm sure there must be masses of things I can't think of and that anyone who has been there might be able to suggest.

TIA.

God I'm dopey sometimes, changed the title and not the beginning of the post .

It's my friend's ds who is having treatment and I need some ideas of how to offer the most useful support, rather than just saying 'you know where I am if you need me'.

Not experienced a child undergoing treatment but wanted to show my support for what you are doing.
I think anything that takes the worry out of "everyday" stuff will be much appreciated. What about these

• school/nursery run rota, this gives her the option of not having to rush back from hosp runs or clock watch when attending appts
• washing/housework fairies, a group of people she trusts to go into house to "run hoover round" or get the washing machine going without being too intrusive cos she may want to maintain some "normality"
• fill the freezer or have them round for tea. Even have a "Come Dine With Me" type set up where you choose a location and everybody brings a diff course.
• babysitting group, even if you can't help with overnight childcare could a group of you offer to get the other kids bathed and bedded in their own home and sit with them until she can get back (say at 11pm) when child in hosp has settled for the night. Another person could do the reverse first thing and do the dressed and breakfasted bit to let her away again?
• def have an emergency contact list for when she needs to drop everything and take her ds to hosp. Also let school/nursery have these so they are aware that it might be diff people doing pick ups and drop offs. Also means that if school/nursery need to get hold of someone (due to accident or illness) they have a few options if can't get hold of your friend.

Will keep thinking and get back if think of any different stuff.

My child has only had short, one off sort of hospital stays, but I would think the most useful thing you could do for her if you're close enough/able to, would be to look after her girls for her whilst she's in hospital with her DS, so have them at yours, as you say wash their uniform, feed them etc., so she dosen't have to worry and can just concentrate on him.

She might also find it useful to have someone bring her a sandwich in the hospital, or sit with her DS while she goes to the canteen, as they don't feed the parents and she'll want to go for a shower as well.

But of course that is a big ask for you to take over looking after her girls so don't know if you would be able to, but that will definately be her biggest worry.

dd has had a couple of long hospital stays and some fairly short notice admissions. For me childcare was the most important thing. Knowing your other children are being well looked after means you can relax and concentrate on your sick child. Other things are definitely help with shopping and cooking/washing. Although I expect internet supermarket shopping is a lifesaver in that respect as it didn't exist when mine were little. Also is there isn't an infection issue, sitting with her son whilst in the hospital so that she can get away for a proper meal/break. I sometimes went days without a proper meal.

Has she investigated the parent accommodation at the hospital -some will cater for family groups.

Lovely that she has someone so considerate to help her out.

Thanks everyone, lots of very useful ideas/advice. I'm going to round up a few friends and see what we can sort out for her.

One of the issues is that he's being treated at a specialist children's hospital so it's almost an hour's drive from home which makes it tricky to help her at the hospital itself and also why she can't have her girls there with her. But I figure anything that takes a little of the stress at home away must be a good thing to do.

That was a similar situation to me Oli. Defintely good if you can help keep the older children in a routine at home.

yes try and make sure there is a good supply of babysitters at short notice.
Cook some food and stick it in the freezer.
Make sure washing is done especially if others need uniforms.
maybe suggest she fills at forms for DLA if its suitable.
and most of all Listen

Another thing that came to mind was after school activities. Do the girls do any after school activities such as swimming or dancing. If so can you work together to keep those going for them, again keeping a sense of normality. If not could they join in with things that you and friends do after school? Library trips, visits to the park, play dates etc.
In terms of food and treats, appreciate that the hospital is too far away to take her food parcels in, but a "basket" of treats to take with them might be an idea. Latest gossip mag, nice snacky stuff to nibble on, puzzle/games that if ds is feeling up to it they could do together, DVD to watch together (if hosp has facilities) from somewhere like LoveFilm so they can watch different ones each time, easy reading novel (no need to get expensive, maybe from local Cancer Research shop or similar), interesting juices or jazzy water bottle (hospitals can by quite hot).
Will keep thinking!

Thank you, really appreciate all your ideas .

Hi, we are going through what sounds like the same thing with our little one. Chemo on a 3 week cycle plus other unscheduled hospital visits. Luckily (?) we have no other children to worry about......

I've found a few things really useful

• people turning up to the hospital with cooked meals or nice microwave meals (the cheap ones are just grim after a few days!)

• just having a friendly face to sit with you to pass the time whilst you're on the ward - we've had days when he's been too poorly to want anything other than cuddles which is tiring - especially if you want to go to the loo or get something to eat

• talking about it. those that are afraid to ask stuff just don't stay in touch, whereas sometimes offloading how you're feeling is good. In contrast, talking about something completely different e.g. the latest gossip from work etc is good too.

• having someone tidy the house for me while I was away. It's great coming home after treatment, but then getting home and realising you forgot to put the dishwasher on/wash that mountain of clothes etc before you raced out of the house in the middle of the night is a bit annoying!

• get someone to get milk/bread etc in for when you get home

It's still difficult to ask people to do stuff for us. Everyone says "let me know if i can do anything", but the best thing ever is when someone makes an unexpected gesture.

Hope that's useful for you......

Thanks Bodiddly, so sorry you're going through this as well. They've just finished the 3rd cycle out of 9 so this is going to be a long process for all of them. Hopefully people will still be around to help in the months to come for both my friend and you.

DS didn't have cancer but he was born with a heart condition that required two ops on his heart so he was in hospital for the first 3 months of life.

Others have already mentioned these but the things that I found most useful were -

Visits, it was really nice just to know people cared and it was good to have other people to talk to, even just going for lunch with them in the hospital canteen was good. Also nice to leave the hospital for an hour or so and go for lunch or a little walk.

Washing, it was a massive help having someone do your washing for you because stuff like that is the last thing you want to be doing. So your washing cycle idea is a good one.

I don't have other kids but if I did a babysitter now and then would have been very much appreciated, even taking the other kids for a day out to the park or museum etc.

My mum would come and make sure the house was tidy and feed the cat, that was a weight off the mind.

We stayed at the Ronald McDonald house while DS was in hospital, has nothing like that been suggested for your friend the make life a bit easier on her?

Hi olihan. Thanks for the good wishes. We are on cycle 7 so almost there although surgery to come yet. We have the most amazing support from our grandparents which along with our friends has kept us going. Good luck to your friend. Hope all turns out well.