Newborn baby - grandma smokes - Am i being too precious?

[CupcakesHay]

Can anyone help. I have a lovely new 11 day old PFB DS. My mum smokes - but outside the house. On the advice of the midwife, she changes her top afert smoking if she wants a cuddle with the baby - which causes much complaint from her.

DH insists on it, and TBH I would too - but luckily DH takes the flak.

however - she is saying that after baby is 1 year old she will not change tops and will refuse to see baby. Obviously I realise that this is a year away, but my mum is a bit stubborn and I can see her keeping her word on this.

DS's health comes first - but i'm all confused and don't know how long she will need to change her top for?

It's all getting a bit much for me, but unfortunately, due to my circs I am staying with her for another 4 weeks - so trying to avoid rows as much as possible.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

!!!!!!!!!!!
I think she's being really unreasonable, i'm afraid. What's a little inconvenience compared to the wellbeing of little one. Keep letting dh do the laying down of the rules and back him up all the way!

I think what you are saying is right. If she would rather put her cigarettes before her grandson that is rather sad!

Can you have a google, or ask your HV for the advice in written form - ie leaflets etc? Maybe your mum would respond better to seeing the facts and figures in print.

But I would say, she's doing her best right now, and what she will or won't do in a year's time is a hugely long time away. Also, you might be less worried about it when your baby is 1. It's really not worth worrying about something so far away, right now. She'll probably be so besotted with your DS by then that she'll do anything for him!

It's a generational thing but that doesn't help you at all.

My parents' generation just think we're all over reacting - EG my mum smoked all through her pregnancy with me, smoked excessively in the house throughout my childhood and still smokes to this day and I'm pretty healthy. I think maybe that's why they just don't get it!

Maybe you could appease your mum by saying thanks for taking your concerns into account. Thanks for putting her grandchild's health and well being above her nicotine addiciton. Maybe spell out that you know that she feels inconvenienced in her own home, but that is your job to put the safelty of your child before the convenience of a grown woman.

Actually I withdraw that last bit - it's a bit inflammatory. My point is, that although you shouldn't have to AT ALL, maybe just acknowledge the sacrifices that she feels she's making. It might ease the tension.

As modern parents I understand that changing tops isn't good enough - we want them to quit for the sake of their GC's and can't understand why they won't. My mum will never quit! But from her POV she thinks she's being responsible by NOT smoking around her GC's!

I feel for u my mum is the same! She won't change tops so I don't let her hold DS. He is my third DC and she has only visited twice in 4 mths and I'm sure this is why. But you know what he is my responsibility and I'm not going to let her habit harm him. Older generations may think we r overreacting but science is helping us all live longer and I'm not prepared to ignore scientists advice just so my mum can continue her habit and possibly harm DS - I know its unlikely but not worth the risk - I'm hoping she will eventually get over her hump - so I say stick to your guns - its your baby and her smoking not your problem! X x

My mum smokes, not around the kids but, cuddles, holds them etc.
She smells like cigarettes of course.

Not great but my mum won't be around forever and a bit of stale fag reek is really not going to kill the kids.

Don't know what point if taking top off is really, bit of a pointless excercise.

Hi

I also grew up with a chainsmoking granny who we saw quite a lot - I'm ok (but started smoking at 15 and smoked on and off for 26 years) but my bro has asthma - who knows if it played a part?
I would have thought the chemicals on the breath of a smoker are much worse than what lingers in clothing, esp if smoking outside and letting smoke from the ciggy blow away. Under ones are at greater risk from cot death through passive smoking, so it would be important to me that she didn't come near the baby within half an hour or so or having a cig, washed hands, and if that is current advice, changed top too!
My friend's mum did give up against her expectations. It can happen.

Cannot believe how precious some people are. When I was young, we used to go around in sealed cars with both parents puffing away. Not saying that is ideal, but neither my brother nor I seem any the worse for it.

Of course, I would not allow my children to be exposed to that but my mother still smokes and we visit her with our 20 month and 3 month old. Of course, we ask her not to smoke in the same room as the babies and she respects that. On the other hand, smoke is a dose based toxin. Miniscule doses (for instance from a top) are not going to cause any harm to anyone.

I think there has to be some live and let live. No child is going to be brought up with no exposure to any toxins and human beings are pretty resilient on the whole.

Children under one should not be held for any length of time by a regular smoker as they absorb the chemicals - its not being over the top its just following the rules!!! Its different with bigger childen as obviously they are not at risk of cot death! I grew up with two smoking parents doesn't mean I would want my children exposed the way I was.

I think you are a LEETLE OTT. But your baby, your rules.

No you are NOT - its you baby, your rules.

I think you are being OTT too. I assumed that your mother was smoking around the baby. She has agreed to change her top until he is 1 anyway.

her loss let her get on with it

For the time being just be grateful that she is prepared to smoke outside and change her top.

There's an awful lot of parents and gparents who don't!

Perhaps she will be gently persuaded to give up by the time your ds is a year old.