Help me to find the right words please.

[DelGirl]

OK, I am obviously hoping no-one has been in the same situation but here goes. I just know this will sound pathetic

I lost my DH to cancer a few years ago after several months of aggressive chemo and surgery.

Fast forward several years and I have a friend who's little boy of 3 has had kidney cancer and has had an operation to remove one kidney. He is now going through a further 6 months of chemo which as one can imagine is taking its toll on the poor little man. All this came about just as I moved abroad. I have text a few times but not since this recent development of more chemo. I am updated on his progress through a mutual friend, from here as it happens.

I know I should be in touch more often but I just feel everything I say would sound weak and empty. I feel impotent if that's the right word. I am sure he is going to be
just fine. I just find it so hard with sufferers as I have no solid positive views to give so feel I would be sayhing things just for the sake of it. Oh, anyone who can help or been in the same situation ???? thanks

.

I haven't been in either position, and I'm sorry you are. However, maybe you simply need to tell her you are there for her if she ever wants to talk (about your/your DH's experience) - I'm assuming she knows what outcome you had to deal with, so she knows you aren't just going to say 'it'll all be fine'. But maybe she needs someone at the moment that's been through it, positive or negative, who understands the pain of watching somebody you love going through it.

When DD was born at 27 weeks I needed to talk to people who had been there. Some had positive stories, some didn't. I needed the reality check sometimes. I was one of the lucky ones - she's now 19mo and fine, but another babe in SCBU born the same week at the same gestation didn't go home.

Hope this helps a bit.

thank you for replying Galena, yes it has

Glad I could help. Remember - she KNOWS you aren't going to spout off platitudes without knowing what's going on. If she tells you X you can say 'Oh that sounds really positive.' whereas if she tells you Y you can say 'Oh, sorry to hear it's not going so well' - without her having to be the one explaining that it's bad news, IYSWIM.

Your friend might appreciate a balanced view. Most of her other friends will never have been through a similar situation (well not in very close contact). Perhaps when you do contact her, ask big wide open general questions and let her decide with her answers if she wants support, a listener, advice, or a normal girly conversation. Questions like 'how are you' - where she can either not mention her DS, or tell you what is worrying her.