A short story for 2 to 5 year olds

[Nickybar]

Hi. I made up a series of stories over the last 18 months for DD1 about a little monkey. She absolutely adores them, so I wrote one up and posted it on facebook.
Feel free to take a look and let me know what you think.
Regards,
Nickybar

www.facebook.com/notes/pongo-mcbongo/short-story-1-pongo-mcbongo-and-the-food-thief/165848030118364

The link wont work...says the page is not found.

Apologies - not sure how the space got into the URL. This one works:

www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001812264734&v=wall#!/note.php?note_id=165848030118364

It's a nice idea...reads like some traditional stories. But in all honesty I think there are some problems with it.

The terms "Daddy monkeys" and "Mummy monkeys" are too impersonal to start a story off with.

In order to feel engaged with the tale, the reader (or listner) need to have an interest in the characters from the word go...so what might work better would be to have Pongo discover the lack of food right away.

Also bear in mind the age group of your readers. 2-5 is essentially a group who prefer picture books with much less text.

There are exceptions of course, but in general children this age need very engaging illustrations and fun, punchy language.

I'm a writer...not of children's books but I do have an idea of what sells. If you were thinking of looking for an agent I thinkyou need to work some more on it.

Thanks for taking the time to read and post your comments ShanahansRevenge.
I've only ever told these stories in the dark to my daughter, so moving to written form is all new.
I agree with your first two points. On the age thing, DD1 is quite advanced. Do you think it would work better for an older age group in it's current form, maybe 4 to 5 instead?
Thanks.