Navigating lack of support from friends

[Wvutr22]

Hi all. Just need to vent and get this off my chest. I am having counselling and it has come up there as well but just feeling arghhh right now. My daughter was diagnosed with B-Cell ALL when she was 9. She rang the bell approx. 5 weeks ago. Ending treatment has felt like a rollercoaster but we know how lucky we are. My two ‘best’ friends dropped off the face of the earth when she was diagnosed. Barely even text me. I know from reading online that this seems quite common and it was true that the people we thought would be there for us just disappeared and people who we weren’t all that close to really stepped up. Anyway, it hurt a lot and I hold a lot of anger about it which I am trying to work through. One of the friend’s mum (friend A) (coming up for 70) was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. I’ve checked in with her (far more than she did me, but less than I would have if I’d not felt so hurt by her absence when my child was going through hell). I also told our other friend (friend B) in July what was going on. Just found out today that friend b has never been in touch with friend a about her mum. At all. What a joke.
I don’t know what the point of this thread is really. I suppose now I’m typing it out it boils down to the fact that I’m mad at them both. Mad that they dropped me the minute my child was diagnosed (we’d been friends for 30 years!), mad that when I text friend A to see how she is, she replies as if I have zero idea about cancer despite the fact my child has been on chemotherapy for over 2 years and could’ve died, mad at friend b for just being shit and selfish. Arghhh. Just feeling angry.

Oh, we had this. DD was diagnosed with ALL at 4 and is now 13. A couple of friends did just disappear to the extent that I thought we must have fallen out about something and I hadn’t realised. On the other hand, other friends really helped when I hadn’t expected them to and we are still close.

I don’t really know why some people disappeared - maybe they just didn’t know what to say or do. After DD got to the end of treatment - and after Covid - those friends reappeared to an extent but we’re not at all as close as we were. Just feels that life has moved on.

Interesting to know it’s a thing that happens though. I think having had the experience does help me know it’s more important to say something than nothing when things like this happen. I think it must be that you don’t say anything, then you feel it’s too late and then there’s a bit of a rift that slowly turns permanent.

Congratulations on your DD’s treatment being over, @Wvutr22. When DD’s was over we went out to celebrate with two families of friends who had really given us tonnes of practical help. They weren't at all the people I might have predicted they would be beforehand.

It’s funny you should say that because I actually text friend B at one point during my daughter’s treatment to say “have we fallen out because I feel like I never hear from you anymore?” She did reply along the lines of “omg, no, im so sorry you thought that” and yet nothing changed. I feel like the friendship has changed forever as a result.

It’s funny how people who didn’t expect to help did and others don’t. A meal out sounds like a nice idea.

It was. I think the thing is that friendships do change over the years. People come more in and more out of our lives, depending often just on circumstances/chance events. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don’t. Maybe they just can’t give you what you need at a particular point - but for someone else it’s just not such an issue.

I'm sorry you've had this experience, OP; no wonder you feel angry! We were very lucky in that the parents of DS's closest friends were really helpful for the first year...it's once official treatment was over that it felt like compassion fatigue had set in.

We have had this too. Covid maybe played a part too, but people that really stepped up
were not the ones I thought. I think sadly people are scared to do the wrong thing so they do nothing.
My mum told me about her friend (both in late 70s) who has breast cancer, mum has phoned a few times and asked friend out for coffee, but says ‘she never comes so I won’t bother asking again’ . I was ‘noooo, keep phoning keep asking she’s exhausted and anxious and it is so nice to be invited even if you can’t go’. I find that really people cannot do much to help but truly appreciate the ones that check in or send a silly animal video for my child.

Absolutely. It is so appreciated when people check in.