Problem with MIL

[athomemama]

My DD was diagnosed with leukaemia in October at 2 yo. I then gave birth to my second DD. With all of the hospital visits I have family to watch my NB (now 3 months). MIL is the main source as she doesn't work. I don't allow many people round as my DD is going through chemotherapy & her immune system is very weak. But while im at the hospital, MIL will have people round my house and only tell me after. Some have been family in law members, others have been her friend that I have met once. They are holding my NB and I have no idea if they have a cold etc that could be passed on. My MIL has already passed on a cold to my DD that put her in hospital due to a temperature spike. We have said no kisses, but she will constantly kiss both girls. We were told to basically live in a bit of a 'covid bubble, but she visits so many people & other kids that I worry what she is bringing in my house. Other family members have told her she needs to be more careful who she's around but her response was 'well I can't do that'. Unfortunately my MIL is the type that raised 6 kids in the 80's/90's so knows it all. She makes comments that worry me, like 'I was so tempted to give NB some toast'. My NB is restless when I get home from a full day at hospital cuz she's barely slept. Her nappies are full. And MIL will happily help herself to anything in my house & go in all the bedrooms when there really is no need to. Before this diagnosis, we never really saw or heard from her much. She's very hyper, can't keep still & is a bit all over the place. Our household is very chilled & calm so she feels like a tornado coming in.
Soon we have two separate week long stays in hospital and i'm beyond stressed at the thought of what my MIL will get up to. She's so unapproachable, dismissive & just doesn't listen to anything and she's causes me way more stress in an already stressful situation! I just don't know what to do.

Can you ask someone else to do childcare?

It doesn't sound like mil will change.

just get someone else to provide your childcare

Sorry you’re in this situation but you need to find someone more responsible. She sounds a nightmare.

I would look at hiring a live in nanny/au pair/mothers help who doesn't see many people naturally in their life, so doesn't go out much. Is it affordable?

Your mil sounds very disrespectful. Everything you have listed is bloody terrible, tempted to give a 3 month old baby toast. At that age, they can't even have pureed food! As for the constantly kissing and not respecting that, shows she has no compassion for an ill child.
What has your husband said?

All the best to you and your daughter. I am sorry to hear what she's going through.

Oh gosh I'm so sorry you're going through this. Absolutely unimaginable.

On one hand you're fortunate to have someone available to help so much with NB, there are many people who genuinely wouldn't. However, It's ashamed that your MIL isn't able to act more appropriately.

I think you need to decide whether or not you can accept the level of care that your MIL is providing or not. And if not you need to consider other options.

Is your DH coming to the hospital with you every time? Perhaps he could spend more time at home with MIL and baby.

All the best OP, sorry you are going through all this xx

What does your husband say?
surely he should be dealing with his mum?

you’re in a horrendous and incredibly stressful situation and she’s making it so much worse.
tell him to deal with her.

I hope you’re older child improves and life gets easier

My mom helps alot but she works full time, 3 days a week she works from home & has NB then. It's a massive help but unfortunately she can't do it all the time. My DH is self employed & as much as it kills him, he can't have too much time off. He has spoke to his mum but she just doesn't listen.
I am very lucky to have the help from MIL but I wish she would respect our boundaries. I do wonder if i'm just overthinking it BUT her actions are 100% disrespectful & quite frankly bloody dangerous to my children!! I'm not a confrontational person so have said things in a subtle way but I have snapped a couple of times at stupid things said but absolutely nothing works.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through just now. In your shoes I would similarly want to control who was in my home and around my children. You are not being unreasonable to expect your mil to respect your boundaries about who visits your home.

However, you are being unreasonable about asking her to not socialise. Unless your own mum and your husband work in complete isolation, then they too are not in a COVID type bubble. They are as likely to bring home germs from others. If the do work in total isolation from other people then that's different but if not is it possible that you're judging her more harshly.

It's a horrible horrible situation to be in. Of course you want to protect your child.

Hi @athomemama my now 7YO DS was diagnosed with B Cell ALL in November 2022, so first of all if you want to ask any questions about treatment etc please feel free to send me a message.
I really understand where you’re coming from - my MIL provided and still does pretty much all childcare for our other child and DS if he is unable to attend school but you really can’t do the next two years not allowing her to socialise and live in a bubble. We have always been advised to avoid anyone with a known active illness but apart from that you can’t protect them from everything. He was encouraged back into school after induction was complete.
we also never stayed a week for the two consolidation blocks/high dose methotrexate I know they say it’s a week but we never did more than 3 days a time in any of his four HDMTX weeks.
Best of luck with her treatment 💚

I'm so sorry to hear your mil is not supporting you in the way you need. Have you talked about this with your young lives Vs cancer social worker ? They might be able to help come up with solutions to reduce the amount of time the baby needs to be elsewhere or advocate for you. I met a family who had a bf baby allowed to go in hosp with them loads.

I'm not sure suggestions about childcare are v realistic- money is tight enough for families affected by childhood cancer when people have had to take time off work already, and a newborn whose whole life has been disrupted due to siblings needs might not benefit from more disruption. Also if op is worried about bugs then nursery won't work. Make sure your sw and treatment team are aware of your worries on all this. Rainbow Trust might also be able to help.