Alone?

[Nibbles83]

Anyone else feel alone?

I’m the only family member without children (even my husband has 3 kids) and most of my friends have or are trying to have kids. Even my niece has a family of her own.

Being childfree can be lonely.

Do you mean lonely? As in you feel lonely?
I am alone that’s a fact - no family of any type, no living relatives on either marital side or husband (deceased).
I live alone. But that doesn’t mean I feel lonely. I have lots of friends to call on and a wider circle of acquaintances that I see daily.
Tou do have family - make the most of them.

It's the other way round for me - both my sister and I are childfree (her, not by choice, me, by choice) and we have no wider family (a plethora of only children in the older gen plus my DH).

My sister wanted a child and I wish she'd been able to, I would have liked a niece/nephew around the place.

I guess there are pros and cons to each scenario.

Yes, I mean lonely which in turn makes me feel alone. I’m sorry that you’ve no family x

It can be lonely yes.. but what's helped me is just to try not to compare to others. You have a different life which has loads of up sides and you'll also start to come across others without children and get more of a network/ tribe - it's that 30-40 period where it's a bit hard Or at least was for me.

I have to be honest I don't understand posts like this

You have a husband and family members. That makes you very fortunate in my view.

I get that but my husband has kids and all my family have kids and so at gatherings I can’t be included in certain conversations. It is isolating.

Im single and no kids (happily, in both cases). Not a large family but my siblings have kids, most of my friends do but a couple dont. We're all older now so the kids are mid teens to young adults.

Is there a larger issue at play here? I dont feel lonely or isolated in family or friend gatherings. Im quite happy to take an interest in/talk about other people's kids - I just make sure I talk about my stuff too! And obvs im too old to have children now so there's no question of 'wouldn't you like to' but even when I was younger that was only a mild query, never any pressure.

Is it that you would have liked children yourself? Do your friends and family not take an interest in your life? Would it help to have more friends who dont have children?

Nope, I don't feel lonely but I'm not overly close or involved with family members who have children (or any family member ). It's just not an area of interest for me.

I don't have children but never feel isolated at family gatherings because of this. Ok maybe I can't add to a conversation about something specific to child rearing, but that's the same as if DH and BIL start talking bikes or whatever. I might listen, zone out, wander off to chat to someone else, whatever I feel like.
I never wanted children though, is that different for you?

Being lonely and alone are two entirely different things. You aren’t alone. I’m not even sure I would class you as being lonely. You are evidently part of a family which do include you in family life and conversations. You are isolating yourself because either you feel you have nothing to offer (won’t join in) or are seeing yourself as being isolated as you can’t join in conversations. Not being able to join in a conversation due to lack of knowledge or interest happens all the time if you are a social person due to differing interests and expertise and experiences - but that doesn’t make you lonely. It’s just a fact of life that happens from time to time. From what you’ve written it seems it’s more you won’t join those conversations - why that is, is something only you can answer. You aren’t a lesser human because you don’t have children, you can still join in conversations about children and have opinions etc to offer a conversation. Something in you is holding you back, it’s not down to others isolating you. I would suggest it’s not loneliness, it’s grief at missing something you possibly wanted or feel society expected of you and didn’t deliver.

I was unable to have children but have never felt excluded or isolated. I also am an only child so no family except my husband and an uncle who is 96.

If course, having no children means I am an expert in raising them!

Kids do grow up though and leave to live lives of their own.

This is spot on to be honest, I’ve no idea why I feel like this and I retreat from people if I feel I’ve nothing to offer. It’s my choice not to have children but as I’ve gotten old (43 now) I’ve questioned my choice and wonder if I made the right one. However, I’m not broody, I feel as thought I’ve missed out on the “family unit” having children provides

There are always conversations we can or can't be included in. If you look at it that way, I mean. Something else is definitely at play here.

@Nibbles83 then it’s probably something worth exploring, either quietly on your own - maybe writing it down, thinking things through the whys and any solutions or by talking to someone - a friend, your DH or a therapist for a few sessions.
Only you can affect how you respond to whatever is going on. It’s probably worth thinking about what your root issue is, acknowledging that and finding a way to either change it or live with it.
If the cause is missing out on a family unit - there are many many varied descriptions of what a family unit looks like and you may need to reframe your vision to include extended family, or look into mentorship or fostering etc.

• just my twopence worth, I’m just old, not a therapist!

I'm childfree by choice, single and my small family are 300 miles away. I've worked hard on my friendships and my career and as a result have a strong network of people around me, with a stong core group of friends I consider family.

Children don't automatically equate a "family unit".

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 I think I've spoken to you before, but I just wanted to say that you are a bit of a role model for me. I'm younger (under 40) but an only child and I won't have children, and it's a huge worry that I will end up 'alone' one day. It's inspiring to see someone older than myself making the most of this situation.

@Strawberriesandpears not sure I’m a role model to copy…🤣 what with some of the situations I find myself in and entirely of my own making 99% of the time.
Being alone isn’t something to be frightened by, it’s actually can be very freeing. Life can be both good and bad if you are single, in a couples situation or have a large family group.
if you don’t make the most what you do have - no one can do it for you.

🤣 I just mean that you are good at staying positive and upbeat about things.

I do try not to be frightened, but it can be hard. I don't find many people in this situation in my day to day life.

@Strawberriesandpears giving advice and actually doing those things are two different things!
But I am older, and that carries experience. My current mantra is - if something in my life isn’t right or working positively for me than I need to change something. That something can be how I think or something I do. It can be big or small. But without changing something, nothing is going to change. life/lemons/lemonade🤣
Keep changing things until its right for you.