Just plodding on in life?

[greythound]

Does anyone else relate to this feeling? I'm early 40s and have never felt the drive to have kids because the concept of bringing life into the world has always felt slightly selfish to me. The other side of the coin is you're meant to be embracing the freedom of a child free life. I'm basically working to maintain a fairly basic level of existence by western standards, I don't feel like I have much energy left for anything else!

I think the idea that the childfree ‘should’ be somehow pogoing on mountain tops or saving the world or indeed doing anything out of the ordinary because they don’t have children is pretty ‘othering’.

Cannot see why it’s selfish to have children but not selfish to just care about yourself. Seems odd to me. Most of our child free friends do only think of themselves because they have actively chosen this. Most work but seem to enjoy work. They enjoy their holidays and have lives that totally revolve around them snd their wants. Aging parents can cause issues but living a good distance away from parents minimises that. It’s a self centred life all the way as far as I can see. You might need to learn how to enjoy it a bit more. Work to live? Then hope other peoples children will pay enough tax for your pension and care in your old age and do the jobs to keep you going.

@greythound I don't have children but it didn't mean I had a big career or a jetsetting lifestyle. I think you've just got to the age where you wonder what lifes about but everyone does that, maybe you need to find something meaningful to fill the gap.

@greythound Honestly, most people are just plodding along in life - even parents. You don't have to do anything special just because you don't have children. Ignore the nasty judgemental nonsense about the selfishness of the child-free🙄. It isn't inherently a selfish life, just as parenting isn't inherently a selfless, or less selfish, life. It all depends on the individual. I very much doubt people are motivated to have children in order to benefit society. They want them for their own sake surely. Ask yourself how and where you would ideally like to spend most of your working days. What do you love doing ? Could you make a living from it ? I don't have kids but don't feel I am plodding along in a fog of meaninglessness either (I know you weren't saying you are). The job I do is hard but benefits others as well as myself, I am responsible for the well being of an elderly parent who lives abroad and who I frequently travel to see, I have close friends, a partner, and a dog. I did want kids but was unable to have them, and I can still find meaning in my life and enjoy it. I think it might be meaning you are looking for. Parenthood IS the meaning of life for many, but not for all.

Thankyou to everyone who took the time to reply.

I do think for me personally, having children would have been a selfish thing to do because I've never really thrived in life and can generally struggle to take care of myself when my mental health is bad. I have schizoid personality disorder and wouldn't want to potentially pass that on to a child.

I think the posters who've mentioned me needing to find more meaningful ways to spend my time have a point. I think I'm burnt out from working customer facing jobs, as interacting with people doesn't come naturally. I'm told I come across as polite and professional, but basically I go to work and play a role. I also tend to save as much of my wage as I can, because I had a bad mental breakdown in my 20s and couldn't work for a few months. I've worked for my partner's business for the past 15 years and he's wanting to wind it down this year, so I will potentially have the option to go in a different direction.

It's very hard to decide what to do as one of the main aspects of SPD is apathy towards most activities. I perhaps need to approach it from what I don't want to do and something less customer focussed may be a better fit.

@greythound it sounds like you have been dealt a difficult hand and are doing your very best to look after yourself and not create problems for others. That speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. If only more people would recognise that maybe they cannot be the parent their future child needs - there would be an awful lot less pain in the world.

Definitely if you feel drained by a customer-facing role then you are drained by it. No need to second guess yourself. Speaking from experience it is very hard to decide what to do in advance, in the abstract. It helps to try different things. Maybe in your spare time alongside your current job. For example if you were thinking about working as a gardener, could you volunteer for a couple of hours locally to see what it's like ? that kind of thing.

Best of luck with it all.

@greythound I agree with a pp that you have made a selfless decision here, and perhaps it is that more people should do that. I wish had had more insight on myself before making some of the decisions I’ve made along the way.

I also refuse to believe people are having children solely for the benefit of society.

My observations, for what it is worth, is that everyone needs a purpose in life. For some people that comes from raising children, sure, but among my childless/childfree friends there are some that get that purpose from a fulfilling job, support of a worthwhile cause, a sports club etc etc.
i also think that a lot of people are just trudging through life, or at least feel like that at some point, and for what’s its worth, I personally have never felt it so much as right now - when I am up to my eyes in school runs and endless laundry!

I’m definitely plodding. I really wanted children. But have never met the right person. For various reasons IVF and adoption are not options.

Oh Dear indeed. You sound very bitter.

I don’t have children, but I don’t feel I lead a selfish life. I have chosen to dedicate my life to animals and giving them the best life possible. I also donate monthly to charity and try to be a good person.

My animals are more important than anything in the world to me and I always put them first. I’m that weird person who moves snails off paths to stop them being trodden on because I believe everything deserves to be treated kindly.
I work hard and pay my taxes, despite having narcolepsy and another chronic autoimmune disease.
I’m sorry you feel that us childless people lead self-centred lives. I think that’s quite an unfair statement.

It’s just based on who I know and I don’t know you, I’m not saying people are not kind and pleasant. Of course they are and we have very good friends who don’t have dc. The fact remains though that they can please themselves more easily than people with children, it’s fairly obvious really. I’ve had a great life and have done plenty but of course it’s necessary to put dc first. Do the holidays they want, ferry them around etc: very happy to do that but it’s not total freedom is it?

Good lord. This is incredibly judgmental and unpleasant.

@Pricelessadvice
I am a weird childfree snail mover too. That, and rescuing worms after heavy rain

@Canyonroadjack I’d just get over it. Enjoy yourself.

I do, thanks. I just don’t enjoy smug people who somehow feel superior because they’ve bred.

What a noble person you are, only having children so they can pay taxes and and have careers to enhance the lives of others! No thought for your wants at all. 😂😆

Many people relate to this. Not everyone feels a strong desire to have children, and that’s completely normal. Life and work can already take a lot of energy, so your feelings are valid.

Oh dear, was this really necessary?

Par for the course on here.

I live away from my Mum (a couple of hours by train, so not a million miles away) because my parents raised us in a village with very few job opportunities in the surrounding areas. In the 20 years since my Dad (her taxi service) passed away and I moved away to start a career, I can count on one hand the number of times she has been to visit me (and always when my brothers are visiting).

She hasn't bothered at all for the past 7 years and she won't come to my wedding next year. I make sure I visit her a few times a year, but I'm not going to go out of my way if the effort isn't reciprocated. Her excuses are she can't leave her cat for the day and also she might get the wrong train! I will make sure she has decent care when the time comes, but I won't be the one providing it. If that makes me self centred I honestly don't care and don't necessarily disagree.

Bit of a tangent but do the snail movers know about the safest way to pick them up?
https://bugwomanlondon.com/2024/05/18/be-kind-to-snails/