Life feels unimportant

[LouLo72]

Does anyone else feel that a life without children is unimportant?

Been told before that “you’ll never know love until you’ve had a child”.

Well, I don’t have children (through choice) but it’s becoming more apparent that it’s the most important and amazing thing to do, which leads me to believe my life isn’t worth much.

I have good relationships with them, they are young, especially my nephews. But I try to build a relationship.

Nail. On. Head.

I definitely haven’t met my tribe yet. A lot of my friends have or are having kids, my brother and cousins have kids and even my DH has kids 😂😂

Florence Nightingale was childless and I’d say she had an important life.

Likewise Ted Bundy’s mother’s life wasn’t made important by his existence. Quite the opposite. And there are many women who have children and dislike being a parent.

Most people aren’t living particularly ‘important’ lives anyway except by virtue of their inherent value as human beings.

I met most of my tribe in my 40s, gradually, after my divorce. Hopefully that will come for you too (not the divorce bit, of course).

Some of them have kids, but they’re mainly either adults or old enough to be at home on their own, so I either haven’t met them or have just seen them briefly. The kids come up in conversation, of course, but they’re rarely the main focus.

@LouLo72 I feel anguish having children (teens). I think that when I had children the world felt more stable and less unpredictable. If I had the choice today si wouldn't have children because I'm so worried about the world they are growing up in. I love children though so I would have worked in childcare which I did before.

You are truly free and you don't have to feel the guilt of having put children into a crazy world. One of mine is disabled as well so the thought if his future is eating me up.

I think it's important to feel important to others but you don't need to have children for that; think family, friends, community, volonteering..

I'm a parent, and no - just no. Being a [good] parent is the most important thing you'll do for your children, but it's obviously not the most important thing you'll do for society. Society doesn't need a surplus of children to be born. It needs kindness, empathy, teachers, doctors, nurses, scientists, engineers and million other things before it needs more mothers.

This is so accurate that I'm surprised I've not seen it expressed this way before.

This is a well considered post, I think. Thank you. The worry of the kind of life my child would face certainly put me off having one. Whilst of course there have always been difficulties in life, right now things do feel especially challenging. I'm constantly seeing threads about how hard it is for young people to find jobs, there's the cost of living crisis, how hard it is to get on the housing ladder and the prospect of working until you drop. Goodness knows what the pension age will be for children born today (if indeed there is one).

I have an awful lot of sadness around not having children, however the thought that I haven't made anyone face this world does bring me comfort.

@TheBlueKoala I am sorry you feel this way. I definitely think that 10 - 15 years ago things felt a lot more optimistic, and you couldn't have known how it would change and how you'd feel down the line. I wish you and your children all the very best.

I’ve had a similar situation with babies in the family and I’ve learnt that everyone is super keen initially and then it generally does get easier as maternity leave ends, the child goes into nursery and the daily grind starts.

I am also CF by choice and I’ve also had comments along the lines of ‘you can’t understand conditional love unless you have a baby!’ It’s really hurtful, but it definitely slang make our lives any less important.

I can also relate to feeling a bit lonely and left out when everyone else is busy with their families. I recommend trying new hobbies, meeting new people and it does make a huge difference to have some CF friends too.

Thank you. Sounds like we’re very similar in situation.

I totally get it. Always here if you ever want to
chat about things.

I know what you mean OP. Your early twenties/mid-twenties are often taken up by building a career. One day you reach a point of relative security and ask “is this it?”. These days I cannot say I get any great sense of meaning from my job. It is a paycheck, which is important, but the internal politics - who is up, who is down, increasingly feel unimportant to me. There comes a point where you cannot help but notice that many are at a different life stage.

I do have a child and I still think life doesn’t need kids to be important!

Kids are fine and fun and great and hard and challenging and tiring. Managing all relationships can be difficult, the relationship with one’s kids are no different.

But the mere act of following a biological imperative doesn’t carry meaning in and of itself. And one’s kids achievements aren’t ours.

I’m proud of my degrees, my talents, my skills. I’m also proud of whatever my kid achieves, but while I facilitate it, I can’t and don’t claim it as mine - I’ve made it possible for them but I haven’t done the work.

And surely, raising a decent and capable person is literally the job. I don’t want praise for producing a functioning member of society!

Your life has the meaning you give it through the things you do.

The love is a different kind. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love the person you had a child with. Or a parent or a friend of whatever.

The love you feel for your children is beyond description. It’s like no other. It doesn’t mean you have never felt love for anything if you don’t have children. That’s ridiculous.

That’s probably what they meant.

That's just not true. What do you do and what do you enjoy? Can you volunteer to help people if you aren't already working in education or health care or similar socially useful role

It’s not though - it’s just how it is. It’s a biological drive to love your children more than anything else. It’s not mean to be offensive.

I remember a poster on a similar thread saying that having kids was like leaving your heart in the middle of a motorway.

She was definitely not selling it.

This may be true but it is wonderful as well. Not for everyone I appretiate.

I’m only irreplaceable to my child, though. In the general scheme of things, I’m precisely as important or unimportant as I was before I had him. Being important to one person isn’t a whole hill of beans. I mean, obviously I’m important to DH, friends and family, too, but that’s the same for childfree people.

I think it's entirely possible to describe love for a child. (I don't think it's different from other love except that you know if you stopped feeling it you could never walk away... Which is a bit unsettling)

That post was mine and it was most certainly not a "misquote" of the Martin Luther King Jr. quote.

Don't you think it's possible that more than one person has said something similar? It's a bit presumptuous to think I've misquoted or taken a quote entirely out of context.

It was actually a WORD for WORD quote taken from someone much less well known. The quote you mistakenly believed mine was from would have been entirely incorrect to use, given what Martin Luther King Jr. was talking about.

OP - I have lived a very fulfilled life before having a baby (quite late, so I’ve definitely “lived” before being a parent), and just as fulfilled after.

One life is not better than the other; it’s just different.

You are important.

Eh? Lots of people walk away from there kids. Parental love is not at all universally unconditional.

Time to reset your compass, OP. What would create purpose in your life? For some people, children fulfil that role, but you are childfree. There are other ways to gain a sense of purpose, whether it be as a fabulous auntie, a solid friend, someone who is a great contributor at work or as a volunteer in the community.

As a CF woman I felt it too when my sister had children - suddenly I was an afterthought in my own family. Not a nice feeling, but I found my own sense of purpose elsewhere - by moving from an uninspiring job to something more meaningful for me - and all is well now.

My second cousin has announced today she’s expecting, which officially makes me the only one in my family not to have children. I literally feel like there’s no point in my life.

It’s hard being different and leading a counter cultural life isn’t it. But you have so many opportunities. The world is your oyster. I have found this website, celebrating the achievements of those who are childfree.

childfreehistory.com/