Thought I'd be ok

ToadRage · 2025-12-28T20:28:25+00:00

I really thought I'd accepted and was ok with the fact I will never have children. I understand why we came to that decision and I am fully aware it's for the best however my brain has just gone baby mad upon finding out my stepsister and husbands cousin are both pregnant. I know I should and want to be happy for them but everytime someone around me gets pregnant all the old feelings of unfairness get dragged up and i end up feeling shit again. I don't even know what i'm asking for i just needed to get that off my chest and be told that I'm not a bad person for the raging envy I feel for all these people with children.

FairislePatterned · 28/12/2025 21:24

You’re not a bad person for feeling upset at finding out about people being pregnant. It’s such a hard thing when you are living with fertility problems or being childless not by choice- and it doesn’t just stop being hard. I’m sorry.
I think Christmas is really tough on people without children too.

CrypticField · 28/12/2025 22:03

I think it's really normal to have these feelings, it can crop up and be quite consuming. Especially this time of year!

Have you got someone to chat to about how you're feeling?

Original poster

ToadRage · 28/12/2025 22:13

No, i have no one to talk to. My husband is completely happy not having kids, my best friend doesn't want kids, all my Mum does is nag me and guilt trip me about IVF. No one I know is in my position.

OP posts:

CrypticField · 28/12/2025 22:34

That's even harder if you don't have anyone to chat to, I'm sorry to hear that.

I think coming to terms with being childfree isn't always a linear 'destination' you arrive at, but it's just a road with bumps along the way.

Whether you're childfree by choice or circumstance, it's really understandable to have conflicting emotions, especially triggered by family/close friends becoming pregnant.

Feel free to chat away here, would it help to talk about what your circumstances are?

JDM625 · 28/12/2025 22:47

I'm sorry you feel like that OP. I too am childless. We TTC 12yrs, lost 3, rounds of IVF and no cause ever found. I also had no one at the time to talk to. Its normal to feel a range of emotions over this- the same ones you get from a bereavement. Its a bereavement of the children you will never have, the future, the life you had in your mind, what ifs etc etc. Its also normal to feel triggered by friends/family getting pregnant.

Were you offered any counselling OP? It might benefit you to speak to someone about your thoughts. I don't know if you have had losses also, but if so, this site is good and has a helpline also. xxx
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Original poster

ToadRage · 29/12/2025 16:03

I've thankfully never had a loss. I've never been pregnant. The decision to not have kids was sort of thrust upon me. A few years ago i was diagnosed with a debilitating genetic condition, its progressive and incurable. It has a 50% chance of being passed on and is likely to be congenital and more severe if the gene comes from the mother. The only option was IVF with PGD, however to get it free you have to fit the criteria; no children, under 40, healthy BMI, which I currently do not. Add to that our own feelings about my future abilities to properly care for a child, my husband having to take on the lions share, the child then having to care for me from a young age, hence why I understand it's for the best, its not just about me. But it hurts especially as one of the Mum's already has a disabled child so why on earth would they bring another one into that.

OP posts:

the7Vabo · 29/12/2025 21:30

ToadRage · 29/12/2025 16:03

I've thankfully never had a loss. I've never been pregnant. The decision to not have kids was sort of thrust upon me. A few years ago i was diagnosed with a debilitating genetic condition, its progressive and incurable. It has a 50% chance of being passed on and is likely to be congenital and more severe if the gene comes from the mother. The only option was IVF with PGD, however to get it free you have to fit the criteria; no children, under 40, healthy BMI, which I currently do not. Add to that our own feelings about my future abilities to properly care for a child, my husband having to take on the lions share, the child then having to care for me from a young age, hence why I understand it's for the best, its not just about me. But it hurts especially as one of the Mum's already has a disabled child so why on earth would they bring another one into that.

Of course you’re not a bad person! You have feelings about a situation thrust on you. It is very unfair that some people can have children & some for lots of reasons can’t. On top of that you have to deal with your condition.
Don’t beat yourself up. Your feelings are understandable. Protect yourself if you need some space around a pregnancy announcement etc.

SoftBalletShoes · 30/12/2025 09:24

ToadRage · 29/12/2025 16:03

I've thankfully never had a loss. I've never been pregnant. The decision to not have kids was sort of thrust upon me. A few years ago i was diagnosed with a debilitating genetic condition, its progressive and incurable. It has a 50% chance of being passed on and is likely to be congenital and more severe if the gene comes from the mother. The only option was IVF with PGD, however to get it free you have to fit the criteria; no children, under 40, healthy BMI, which I currently do not. Add to that our own feelings about my future abilities to properly care for a child, my husband having to take on the lions share, the child then having to care for me from a young age, hence why I understand it's for the best, its not just about me. But it hurts especially as one of the Mum's already has a disabled child so why on earth would they bring another one into that.

Ahhhhh, I'm sorry OP, this sounds really really difficult. You want kids and through no fault of your own, can't really have them.

You are being an excellent mother to your would-be children by not bringing them into a situation where they'd have to see their mother deteriorate and care for her, especially if you ended up having only one child and your DH died young.

But it sounds very hard for you. Life just isn't fair, is it?

It's perhaps worth remembering that you have no idea what life would have been like if you'd had kids. You never know what you might get. You might have had a kid that caused you a lot of trouble, did drugs, etc.

I know it's not the same, but could you volunteer with children? Or get a kitten or a puppy to raise? It might help fulfil some of the nurturing instincts that you have.

Hugs xxx

KimberleyClark · 30/12/2025 12:06

It's perhaps worth remembering that you have no idea what life would have been like if you'd had kids. You never know what you might get. You might have had a kid that caused you a lot of trouble, did drugs, etc.

This is so true. When you’re not able to have children (I wasn’t able to because of infertility), you think of it as bad luck, but you can’t really know that. There’s a Chinese fable that illustrates this perfectly.

https://alex-65670.medium.com/the-parable-of-the-farmer-and-his-fate-54aa84006c46

bushproblems · 31/12/2025 20:16

I sometimes feel the same. Pregnancy and birth fascinate me and I love babies, but then I remember that babies turn in to screeching toddlers, then wild kids, then stroppy teenagers etc and I remember why I chose to stay CF.

Enjoy the babies in the family when they arrive, then enjoy getting the fuck out of there when you’ve had enough!

bushproblems · 31/12/2025 20:20

bushproblems · 31/12/2025 20:16

I sometimes feel the same. Pregnancy and birth fascinate me and I love babies, but then I remember that babies turn in to screeching toddlers, then wild kids, then stroppy teenagers etc and I remember why I chose to stay CF.

Enjoy the babies in the family when they arrive, then enjoy getting the fuck out of there when you’ve had enough!

Shit I didn’t read all your posts before I posted. Sorry op, I didn’t realise that you had made the decision based on medical grounds, my post must seem heartless!

The bit about enjoying the babies in the family still stands though x

AuntieDen · 31/12/2025 20:28

your best friend may still be a good person to talk through even if they don't want children - yes they won't know exactly how you feel but I have never wanted children and I can still listen and empathise with someone who can't have children but wants them - it will obviously depend on your friend but don't discount them just because they don't share your feelings - they still care about yours.

RandomMess · 31/12/2025 20:35

I think you have carefully considered your options and made the right decision for you. However, bloody hormones they are relentless and put the finger up and carefully thought out decisions.

It’s much tougher when you have to make a decision in the first place. Life can be painful and difficult and it’s full of “what ifs”.

Please be kind to yourself, hormones are very powerful. Logically having DC is insane (for anyone they are parasites), but that doesn’t change emotions or feelings around it.

💐

Bones75 · 31/12/2025 20:37

I can only Imagine how hard this must be for you. Have you had any counselling? its one thing making a conscious decision not to have any children but when that decision is taken out of your hands there is a whole lot of hurt that must go with it x

Poppins17 · 06/01/2026 22:41

I used to feel like you OP until one day a friend got pregnant and it didn’t bother me at all… in fact I felt quite sorry for her and now I couldn’t think of anything worse. It doesn’t help your situation, but time really is the key I think.

thedevilinablackdress · 07/01/2026 08:17

AuntieDen · 31/12/2025 20:28

your best friend may still be a good person to talk through even if they don't want children - yes they won't know exactly how you feel but I have never wanted children and I can still listen and empathise with someone who can't have children but wants them - it will obviously depend on your friend but don't discount them just because they don't share your feelings - they still care about yours.

I agree with this. Hopefully you can talk to your friend and your husband about how you feel, even if they don't feel the same. And have a strong word with your mother to back off nagging.