How do you plan a new life and feel ok with it?

[retrolution]

Firstly just to emphasise this is posted on the MNs without children area so specifically aimed at people who don’t have kids.

My journey to not having children was that I always assumed I would but then got married and found out I couldn’t. Have gone through many different stages of grief and acceptance and now feel like I am ok with where I am - we are not going to pursue other avenues.

the problem I have seems to be twofold:

1. society is really geared up for people in their 40s with children.
2. i feel like my life is a bit purposeless and I struggle to feel good about myself around friends etc who have children.

I have a full life and am overall happy. But I don’t really know how to set up my scaffolding without the milestones of having children - starting school, birthdays, grandchildren etc. the next big event on the horizon for me is retirement which is still many years away. I know I need to create my own milestones and try to change my mindset, but it is hard. I have just joined the childless collective as I heard it is a good place to figure some of this stuff out.

for people who have been where I am how did you reshape how you look at your life and fill it with meaning?

i have a good job and enough money to do whatever I want - but i also have caring responsibilities for elderly family members so i dont want to eg travel more or move abroad and experience the world. I am also mid-40s and dont want to run around doing lots of activities - i need my downtime as much as the next person.

would be great to hear from people that have also got to this cross roads and taken steps to improve how they are feeling and also know that just because you are child free it doesn’t mean you want to upend your entire life to create meaning - thank you in advance

PS - just re-read and it seems full of things I don’t want - but please do give me all your stories as perhaps I need to feel inspired!

Not sure how much this will help, because I came at it from a very different angle - I never wanted or expected to have children, so I never had any of those milestones on my radar.

Rather than finding alternative milestones, how would you feel about giving up on the idea of milestones entirely? I have plans - short term, long term, things I want to do - but no 'milestones' or targets as such, and many of the things on my want-to-do list don't need to be done in any specific order.

What do you see as 'meaning' in life? Personal career progression? Improving the lives of people you know? Helping strangers in need? Benefiting the planet as a whole? Leaving some sort of specific legacy after your death (an invention, a charity you've founded, a remarkable hoise you've designed and built, art....)? Something else?

Do you actually need an overriding meaning/purpose? Or could you just amble through life with a general intent to leave the world no worse than you found it, and maybe a little better in a few small ways?

There's no right or wrong answer to these, but if you can work out what your personal answers are it might help point you in a direction, or narrow down what you're looking for.

I agree with PP, as I am happily childfree, so never planned life around other people's (ie children's) milestones.

But, OP, your life hasn't changed. Presumably you have a career, home, friends, partner(?). Those things are absolutely the same as always.

I agree that there isn't necessarily a "meaning" to life - yes, you could pass on your genes, but so what? That doesn't make anyone special. Unless we're Shakespeare, Mozart or Einstein, most of us will be forgotten very soon, and not necessarily have any lasting impact. But that's OK.....we're here for a few years, we get on with our lives, and that's it. Just concentrate on being happy - enjoy hobbies, nature, friends, crafts, culture..... anything that makes you feel contented, including your downtime.

I promise you, your friends with kids will be very envious of your lovely life.

I went through the same as you OP and DH and I both had elderly parent caring responsibilities too including my mum who had dementia. It was difficult as we didn’t have the freedom that childfree life might otherwise offer. We tried to make the most of our own personal milestones, such as wedding anniversary, birthdays etc.

I’m mid 60s now, none of our parents are still with us, I was able to retire at age 58 on a voluntary early exit package and life is really good. We travel a lot. Even if you feel retirement is many years away you could start planning for early retirement now, if you think you would like that. It’s the best thing I ever did. I wish you all the best.

I am in a similar position. I always thought I'd get a job, buy a house, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. I bought a house and got married but my job and motherhood have both evaded me due to disability. All I have when the sadness creeps in is the mantra 'my husband is enough'. He has to be. I am lucky, I have a man who loves me and takes care of me and has accepted (a lot more easily than me) that he won't ever be a parent. I had purpose before I had to let my job go. It's going to take time to find a new one but I'll get there and so will you.

OP, i’m similar to you in that I’d assumed we’d have kids and then we couldn’t. I suppose the difference is that I was always more on the fence than DH. So when we got the news we both accepted it without the ‘grief’ stage lasting too long. My two pennorth is that you get different milestones. Paying off the mortgage, for example. ‘Big’ birthdays. Nice bucket list things like travel, or attending events without thinking, or cars, or whatever floats your boat.

i’d also gently disagree that society is set up for people in their 40s with kids. That’s not been my experience but that might be because at least half our friends don’t have children either, so we tend to do things that don’t involve them.

i get meaning from my garden. Because i’ve had the time and the funds, (I know I’m lucky on both fronts!) i’ve created a garden from scratch. It’s my happy place. I can spend pretty much all weekend pottering around doing ‘stuff’, thinking about plans for further bits, reading, and all without smalls shouting muuuum, or having to stop this to take someone to a club etc etc. DH has his own equally absorbing hobby. We can get up of a morning, see the good weather, and pile the dog into the car and go to the beach or go walking. We moved to a bit of the country we’d never have moved to if we’d had kids. Life is good.

Thanks everyone.

I think I need to make more of an effort to meet people who don’t have children - have joined a local book club which might be a start.

I have thought a lot about the milestones point and thank you so much to the posters who noted that my own milestones - birthdays anniversaries etc - can be proper milestones still. As I got older I have tended to let these slide. I spoke to my husband we have agreed to start “celebrating” our lives more - so planning events and focusing more on properly investing in the things we do. I actually went to a birthday party last week where it was one amazing event after another and I really admired how the birthday lady just unashamedly went “yes celebrate with me!”.

I’m very much childfree by choice. I always knew I didn’t want to be a parent and I have absolutely no regrets about my decision and if I had my time again I would make the same choice.

While I sympathise with those who wanted children but couldn’t have them, I fundamentally disagree with the idea that a life without children lacks meaning or purpose. Or, for that matter structure around other people’s milestones.

The purpose of life is to enjoy the time we have & make the most of the journey. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal so we have to make the most of it.

We all need to earn a living, of course, but what’s the point of being relatively young & having plenty of money If you don’t take the opportunities that offers? You mention caring responsibilities, but is there really no way you can create time for yourself around those? Could spending some money help with that?

The best thing I can suggest is to figure out what it is that you do want to do, then go and do it. Good luck.