Help! Peri meno broodiness

[Brollyparton]

I’m single, no kids, 48 years old. I never wanted children. However, past couple of years I can’t stop thinking about this and wondering if I made a huge mistake. Been reading threads about very late pregnancies and wondering if it’s not too late. Is this just hormonal madness? Will it pass?

Anyone been here who can advise?Obviously the insomnia doesn’t help matters!

It's really very late. You'll get a load of 'oh i conceived first time aged 53 and had triplets naturally' type responses but you would realistically need IVF and donor eggs averagely. Do you actually think you want children or is it more having the possibility taken away do you think? It's a bummer having a biological clock, sorry OP

I think the way to think about it is…

might have been nice but I’ll never know and instead will focus on the positives and adventures that await me

why?
almost certainly wouldn’t happen anyway
and really wouldn’t be in the best interests of a child to have a single mother, let’s say aged 50, who will be 60 and child only in year 5!

Worst case scenario and it doesn’t “pass” (although I’m sure it will), it is so unlikely to actually happen and would be very selfish for any child

Thanks both for replying. I finally fell back to sleep after posting.

@Whatatodo79 at first I thought it was just the ‘door closing’ and needing to accept a new stage of life thing. But it’s been a couple of years now and it’s getting worse rather than better. It’s really getting me down (or maybe I’m down and so I latch on to this as a negative in my life)

@Decaffirst yes, this - I hope it’s just the perimenopause hormones making me broody and regretful. I don’t know how common it is at this age. I read on here about how a lot of women who don’t have kids never, ever regret it. I’d have expected that to be me until all this rumination started.

Have you looked into adoption? There are lots of kids out there who need a loving home. I'm 43 and since 38 was looking into fertility clinics but last year i relaxed and decided it would be too difficult to do on my own and i would go part time and down the adoption route if I still wanted a child at 50

You’re too late and probably just thinking what might have been. Adoption places wouldn’t consider you either.

Do you have any nephews or nieces?

OP, you know yourself that this is a combination of hormones and emotions - and neither of these are good reasons to make a life-changing decision!
In the cold light of day, you know you've made the right choice. I promise you, by the time you get to your early 50s, you'll just be filled with relief. That will only increase as you watch your friends continue to fuss and stress over their teen/young adult children.
You made the right decision for you - have confidence in it.

It's too late, my love. I feel for you - broodiness is an utter bastard and perimenopause is no fun either. It's probably your hormones having one final scream at you. It will pass

And honestly, I think it's very normal to feel ambivalent about parenthood. I went through insanely broody periods myself through my 30s. They came and went. I'm 45 now and in peri and apart from the odd wistful moment, Im so glad that I stayed childfree

Now 58 never had kids and didn’t want them. Went through a little wobble in late 40s but it was more about the “what might have been” and got over it relatively quickly. I focussed on all the things I was able to do which friends with Kids couldn’t ( and were jealous of ! ) and also pleased to have missed the angst they as parents experienced which I didn’t have to go through. Which school / what age to get them a phone / boyfriends , awful teenage behaviour / lack of respect / university bills etc. I have one friend at 57 and her DH is 59 and they have a 17 y DC. They are really struggling and have admitted in hindsight they should have had DC when they were younger and definitely not have left it until 40 / 42 respectively. DC has ASD, reasonably high functioning but will not be flying the nest in the near future/ medium term.

Not unreasonable to have these thoughts but they will pass and at your age a) highly unlikely even with intervention b) unfair to the DC c) higher risk of health issues / complications for you and the DC. D) Your energy levels naturally declining / health issues more likely to arise for you e) Being single will put a huge financial load on you as well as the physical and mental load and I’m sure you have also read the many MN posts about how hard it can be as a single parent - how would you cope if the DC had significant health needs and what mental strain would that cause as an older parent worrying about their future when you aren’t in the picture. Focus on the positives from your life and the things you will be able to do going forward. It will pass

Imagine what the next 5 years would be like if you suddenly were pregnant. The sleep deprivation alone might kill you (never mind all the nutrients strppped from your body and toxins deposited back in by the parasitic process of pregnancy). Then it's school and all the bullshit that brings. 1% of pregnancies over 45 are Downs and god knows what the rates are for total chromosomal abnormalities. Then calm tf down.

Thanks all. Yes, I know it's too late. I do hope it will pass soon though. It's just a horrible feeling and I can't stop the regretful thoughts once they start up at night – bloody hormones as some have said. I thought HRT might have helped but although it took the edge off the depressive mood swings it hasn't helped with this particular ruminating.

The positives are that I do have lovely nieces and nephews, have great relationships with them and see them often. I really don't take this for granted and feel very lucky.

I don't think adoption is right for me although I've considered it. I've worked with children for 20 years (various roles – youth work, SEN teacher). I used to enjoy this but recently feel that I've put all my energy into other people's children rather than my own and feel regretful about that too. Maybe a mid life career change might help too.

@Cynic17 Thanks - you've hit something there. I used to have such confidence that I'd made the right choice for myself. Just don't know where that feeling went and need to get it back.

@Fragmentedbrain Thank you too as 'calm tf down' puts it nice and succinctly and made me laugh!

If anyone has any good book recommendations on the topic I'd be keen to hear them.

I get like this occasionally with peri but I know I'd be a terrible parent, I can barely look after myself.

Read the thread about the guy who isn't inviting his own granny to his wedding. That's potentially your ultimate thanks for child rearing.