I didn't want kids throughout my 20s, then hit 30 and wasn't sure. I really struggled to know what I wanted. Parenthood looked exhausting but - 'oh the love though!' made me feel I was missing out, and I felt out of place, not in the mum club.
DH & I left it to nature to decide, 2 years of nature saying No, we went through investigations. I had a brief moment of being obsessed with ovulation and pregnancy 'signs' and felt caught up in it all: still not really knowing if it's what I wanted.
Turned out the (very) few sperm DH had were lazy and not good at swimming straight, and my ovaries and tubes were not in great shape.
IVF was offered very enthusiastically but I couldn't face the multitude of appointments, the injections, the invasiveness of it all, the takeover of my life.
Plus, perhaps selfishly, I work hard to be healthy, active, strong - I knew IVF and then a potential pregnancy might cause physical changes I wouldn't like.
I also love my sleep. My quiet, tidy home. My spontaneity. My disposable income. My ability to completely and freely switch off and suit myself.
This world is a tough one - it seems like a fight if your child is born healthy & neotypical, let alone is neurodiverse or disabled.
So - I had lots of logical reasons as to why I said no to IVF and I'm happily childfree now in my 40s - my life is full and fun, I'm very lucky and I wouldn't change my decision; I often feel relieved DH & I are such an infertile pair.
Now and then, I wonder 'what if'. Usually at Christmas.
But I think we all do, don't we, from both sides of that sliding door?
I feel for the women that truly yearned to be mothers but couldn't be. I think that's why I say I'm childfree not childless; to say I'm childless would mean falsely lending from the true grief those women feel.
I'm grateful I, at least, was unsure enough for my infertility to be almost a relief because at least the decision was made for me, after years of indecision.
But I hope those women can see that life is rewarding, fulfilling and full of meaning without being a mother - to reclaim your own life as enough in itself is liberating.