'well if we're not having children...'

[Updogdowndog]

I've been with my DH coming up 15 years we're now early-mid 40s. I've always been up front about not wanting kids, as my parents basically didn't seem to like each other much but stayed together for the kids. It was quite a toxic upbringing and both my elder brothers have also remained CF. I basically don't want to feel responsible for another human's mental and physical wellbeing, but am happy to lookout for friend's and family's kids if they feel I can help. OH has always said he thought having kids was something he would do, not out of any burning desire to have children, but the final decision rests with me as he doesn't want to be SAHP. I've said if he really wants a family he just needs to tell me as it won't happen with me and I'd respectfully split with him as, to me, it's a dealbreaker in a relationship. I wouldn't expect him to give up the opportunity to have children to stay with me.

My issue is since I hit 40, he's still prefacing conversations about the future with 'well if I'm not having children I'll do xyz....' I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but I tell him in my early 40s my chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to term, even if I wanted to (which I don't) are low and he'll follow up by saying 'I know women who have'. Has anyone experienced similar, or is this just a natural part of accepting you've made a different life choice to your parents?

Is he actually doing (or making concrete plans to do) X, Y and Z, or is he still seeing those things as a back up plan?

If it's the latter I think you need to stop the 'it's unlikely at my age' and be a lot firmer about having decided it's not definitely happening.

He's still hoping you might change your mind about it. Time for a very frank talk so he is in no doubt.
I hope you have watertight contraception that he can't accidentally mess up.

He hasn't given up hope you'll change your mind so you'll have to be a bit more direct Op. I'd ask him why he hasn't started on his alternate plans yet since having children's off the table.

Sounds like he has that door open and hoping that you would change your mind. As you are sure you don’t want children you should be saying it to him very clearly that is a definite no. And then he needs to make the decision of staying or leaving. And if he stays he needs to then close that door.

She has already told him that if he really wants kids he needs to tell her and she will split with him so he can find another relationship. Isn’t that direct enough? I think the problem is with him being in denial, not the OP not being direct enough.

How do the sentences end, though? I’m pretty sure that when I was undecided I was often running two projected timelines in my head eg ‘If I have a child, I will go down to 0.8, but if I don’t we should move to NY for a year’.

He might be thinking "If I don't have children I will do x...." I think OP is hearing it as "if WE don't have children"

He has more options than OP. Assuming he is a nice man and not an idiot who wants a 21 year old, he could split in 12 months time, then find a 34 year old and have children with her within, say, 4 years' time. Not undue haste.

He could decide he wants OP more than children and do the other fun stuff, with her.

Neither of those things require him to make a choice tomorrow. The conversation OP should have with him is "If you're thinking of leaving, don't leave it too late, as I don't want to be stuck with you feeling resentful. And by the way, just to check, you do know I'm definitely not having kids?? When you say if I have children, are you aware you're talking about splitting up?".

Or don't- sit tight and see if inertia, or a choice he makes himself, keeps him with you.

I think like many people hitting that point of no return in terms of fertility, he’s doing the ‘what ifs’. Many women come on here at about 40 thinking this is my last chance, should I/shouldn’t I. He’s doing the same. You just make it clear you have no intention of trying and he must accept that once and for all.

I do take the mini pill as it helps with my periods, but we very rarely have sex as he's had some ED issues throughout our relationship. The lack of sex isn't an issue for me and if we did break up I wouldn't be looking for a sexual relationship with someone else.

He's never really been much of a forward planner (again not compatible with having children imo). We've got as far as agreeing that we want to sell our business next year and do something else, but he's recently been taking about us moving to America as he feels the standard of living would be better than in England. I should add neither of us have ever been there or know anyone who lives over there, so this feels like more of something that would be a long term (years) plan. I have some idea what I want to do, but it would require either moving to a house with more land (which he's always wanted to do) or studying for a qualification which won't necessarily be recognised for jobs if we move to a different country.

Now I've written this down, it does sound like he may be having a bit of a midlife crisis!