No emergency contact. Symbolic of a bigger issue. Anyone else?

[CollapsedTent]

I was having a fine single life and everything was great. Happy busy and loved being single and doing what I wanted. Out of the blue, both my parents died one needed extensive care which I did, moving to live in to do it. Had one sibling but relationship completely broke down following the deaths (started being verbally abusive to me & following death I was too sensitive to take it) and I think is irrecoverable.

I did have a busy social life but with more friends -light rather than friends -deeep if YKWIM. Most of that has disappeared as I was caring and I now see them as people who never really cared anyway.

Now I find myself from feeling like I had everything to feeling like I have nothing almost over night. I feel completely alone and that no one cares about me or loves me. It's true btw.

It came to ahead recently as I took a short trip and realised no one would care if I died overseas or if the plane crashed and I had no one to put as an emergency contact.

I know I'm not alone in this and I remember being told by a dr that in their experience some people with children won't put them as emergency contacts because they don't trust them.

Maybe this post is more about loss and loneliness than an emergency contact number. It made me feel so terrible and lost. I feel worse because I know even if I went on a campaign to make friends it would take about 1 - 2 years to develop friendships and I can't face feeling like this for so long. I'd just rather stop now.

I was a person who was very loved and able to give love back. Now I am an unloved person. I guess if I met you or anyone in real ife and told them this they would immediately think there must be something very wrong with me to end up approaching middle age with no one at all.

TLDR: I feel very depressed as I used to be happy & had everything I wanted but since my parents died I have no one to love or to love me, no friends and a symbol of this is I have no emergency contact. Any advice?

Just sending you a great big hug 🫂

I definitely know what it’s like to feel alone in this life, as am no contact with both parents. Things are ok now though.

How old are you? Would you consider dating? Even more platonically? Do you have hobbies and interests you could spend more time on?

I also think you getting some kind of therapy to go through everything and try to release some of the trauma of caring for and losing your parents. You do sound very sad and those emotions need to flow. Maybe once you can do that, things will feel better.

Do you have any pets? And if not, would you consider getting on? I know personally it can bring so much comfort, and especially with dogs, it’s a great way to meet people.

And lastly, are there any friends you can reconcile with? Knowing that, everyone has their own stuff, their own story, and sometimes distance isn’t about you? Or old friends you can reconnect with, just though social networks or whatever?

Sending you love and peace x

@pistachio83 thank you

I'm not interested in dating at all I feel generally partners are more trouble than they are worth for lots of reasons. I was very happy being single before. even if I changed my mind now my self confidence and self esteem are totally shot. this has all really taken it out of me.

I don't have pets and I have thought about it but my life is in such flux right now I don't think the tie of a pet is right. It maybe long term that is the answer I know that it is a common solution for the lonely so it could be where I end up

I am so very sad but sad doesnt really capture the sense of lowness about me my life and my future. Its all very strange because I should be the same person with the same opportunites and life I had before all of this but everything is totally different. I am not the same.

I feel like an orange that was wonderful and ripe and peaked at perfection and now has had all the juice squeezed out of it, with just a mouldy husk left that no one is interested in. Fit for the bin of life.

I think you need to have some counselling, is that an option?

I am sorry you are feeling so low. I'm not quite in the same situation, but I do also have very little family and I know what a vulnerable feeling that is.

That last paragraph you wrote about feeling like an orange was very sad, but also very creative. It kind of drew me to you, as it's the kind of thing I would think or say too! I think you could find people you connect with. There's a spark within you, I think, even though it might be hard to find at the moment. How would you feel about life if you had a couple of close friends to whom you were important and they were important to you? I know you say you can't face putting yourself out there for the next year or two, but realistically it isn't that long, and if it got you feeling more positive and you were able to enjoy life again, it would be worth it?

Please don't give up. The world needs creative and interesting people like yourself!

I struggled to find someone to put down as an emergency contact when I started a new job recently.

I'm feeling pretty unloved on my birthday, too.

Have you considered that you might be experiencing depression? The existential lowness you're feeling seems to me to go deeper than sadness related to the circumstances you find yourself in.

You're grieving the loss of your whole family - your parents have died and your sister is estranged - as well as the loss of your social network, and all of this is compounded by the abuse your sister heaped on you.

I'd try to see a doctor if I were you.

Happy birthday, EBearhug if it's today.

Hesitate to barge in here as I do have children, but please see a doctor. You have suffered huge loss and you are likely depressed. Meds or counselling may help you.

@EBearhug bear hug to you.

I am depressed @Lentilweaver @mathanxiety and I wouldn't argue about that but its not surprising. Its not unaccounted for clinical depression. It is deep fathomless sadness with a very specific cause - death. There is no point in me seeing a doctor because I don't want to swap grief for another problem - antidrepssant addiction and side effects. I did see a doctor after the first death anyway and I went through all this then.

Antidepressants wont solve my problem any more than getting drunk would. It will be a temporary artificial mood fix that does not deal with the problem. The problem is my loved ones are dead, my sibling estranged, my "friends" disappeared and I have nothing left. No amount of pills will fix that.

I know grief is something most people experience but most people will have someone - another parent, a partner or a husband, children, step children, best friends - someone who cares about them and can be there emergency contact. I am without anyone suddenly it feels like but I suppose it isn't really.

@Strawberriesandpears that was a lovely thing to say about me being creative. means a lot. it was a bit of kindness in dark world.

Of course you have a specific, valid cause. I wonder if some specialist help might aid in giving you more energy to get out there again and make new friends. I am not minimising the problem. It must be hard.

Totally understand not wanting to go on antidepressants, I am the same. I don’t think the NHS have much else to offer with waiting lists as they are.

Are you open to alternative therapies? Seeing a healer would be a good.

I recommend micro dosing psilocybin, that certainly can help you you make lasting changes and is not addictive. There’s plenty of research into it now and it’s fairly mainstream now.

@pistachio83 - have you done micro dosing psilocybin? I have read a lot about this, recently it seems to be a big 'thing' and people have been writing about it alot and think it sounds very interesting but I've never taken any kind of drugs at all and the fear of a bad trip terrifies me.

If you have and you don't mind telling me about it, please could you PM with where you did it and any general feed back about the place, how it was supervised and if you would go there again or would choose somewhere else.

what do you mean by a healer exactly? not sure what this means - a spiritual thing?

I really feel for you.

How old are you now? Do you work?

I wonder whether you would be interested in taking a course, one where everyone has to talk as part of the course? I did a creative writing course and that led to friendships and camaraderie. I think you'd have to be careful which course you chose as some just involve working on your own. What about a foreign language?

There are some holidays where it's the norm to go on your own - is there anything you're passionate about? You have had to care for others for so long that it might be hard to think about what you would actually like to do. When you were in your teens, what did you want to do? What kind of job did you have in your twenties?

@CollapsedTentI have yes and I probably know 10+ others who have. The doses are so small that it would be extremely unlikely. Obviously you just start really small. I just did it at home every other day for a couple of months. I have done it several times in my life and combined with therapy. So I generally take before a session and it creates more plasticity in the brain so new neural pathways can be formed, so getting yourself out of negative thought patterns or destructive behaviours.

I think maybe the other thing you have read about is ayahuasca which is a macro trip. I never fancied anything like that, I did stuff when I was younger but don’t fancy it. I like being in control too much. These are supervised by a shaman though, and I think they can definitely really help people. Know plenty of friends who’ve had good experiences.

i don’t know how to PM on this?

A healer would be an energy worker, someone who practicing reiki and/or channels energy. We can have blockages and your body holds trauma physically. Usually combined with some talking therapy, even tarot. There’s a book called ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ which is worth reading.

I think some people are chosen to have lovely lives and some people have been chosen to have crappy lives. I know which category I fall into. I don't think there's anything you can do about it, just accept that 'someone' wants you to 'suffer'. I put 'someone' in quote marks as I'm not religous but whoever or whatever it is that decides how people's lives should go.

I feel for you OP - I've had a sort of grief when my father moved 400 miles away. It was a huge gap/loss. I actually think it's okay to lean into the grief, let yourself feel it, feel it's edges, but at the point it becomes distressing for you then that's probably the time to do something. What sort of advice would your parents give you, what would they have wanted for you?

I do think you know that you can't not make friends forever, but can understand not wanting to right now, having experienced loss. Finding something creative sounds a good shout. The other thing to mention on friends and connection is that it's very good/important in terms of staving off depression and staying mentally well. There was a podcast about cognitive decline I listened to recently that linked it partly to being lonely and not having connectivity. Was certainly food for thought for myself. Best wishes.

I’m in a fairly similar position. Thought I was happy in my child free relationship where I had a lot of professional and creative freedom and travelled lots. Realised when my Mum died this relationship job and life is not for me and that I wish I had kids, was closer to friends and had a better paid job. I ditched the partner and I’m moving cities, training to start a new much more challenging job and epically downsizing to afford it (think 3 bed, three storey house to 1 bed flat). I’m also travelling to Mongolia and freezing my eggs!

My point: things can feel fine, until they don’t. My life is an absolute mess and for the first time ever I’ve realised I am going to die (easy to say, hard to believe). It’s not going to be easy to fix. Trying something radically different, working out who I actually am, and talking to a good therapist has got me through a period where I was genuinely suicidal. I didn’t want antidepressants either and I’m glad I didn’t take them. Personally I wouldn’t mess with psychedelics in your current state. I’ve taken a lot of hallucinogens in the past and they’re the last thing I need ought now! Mental clarity is hugely important.

if there’s any similarity between our situations, I’d say don’t accept anyone else’s dreams - work out a path for yourself and throw yourself at it. It is not too late to make good friends. Lots of people’s lives are turned upside down by divorce or death at this age. Just move somewhere interesting (a suburb full of families is not the place for either of us!). Try to find a highly qualified therapist particularly one who can handle existential questions - this is not the time for CBT or someone who’s done a wellbeing / counselling course. I can dm you my therapist’s name if that helps.

Ps I noted another poster say some people are chosen to have crappy lives. I think that’s a way of coping with feeling like you have no control. I also think you can resist that if you want to. Feeling like a victim and powerless is just that - a state of mind that we can change. Many people with good lives work very hard to get the lives they want. I’ve decided that’s what I’m going to do and if I fail then at least I tried

You sound very sad OP. There is nothing wrong with you - you’ve been through so much and are suffering severe grief. It’s really hard to pick yourself up again and put yourself out there. But when you feel ready it would be good to make tiny steps towards making new connections. I also thought your orange analogy was really creative - you are good at articulating your feelings and I’m sure you would be good at listening to others.
i don’t know if they do them in your area but have you looked into group grief counselling sessions? My local uni facilitate some and I found them really helpful (after I got over the initial scariness of it). Even if you don’t speak it can help to listen to others and see that they might be in similar situation as you through no fault of their own aswell. I made some friends through mine who I meet for coffee with occasionally - friends light as you would put it! but it’s nice to have those connections and I do think if I was having a bad time I could talk to them and they would understand.

@ouch321 I don't think you are right about people being chosen to have lovely lives. I agree there is a degree of luck and there are extremes - being born a prince in the UK or being born into poverty in Africa - but for most people, we are born into solidly middle ground with some plus points and some bad points and life is very much what you make of it. Most people have some opportunities one way or the other.

Take me for example, I have had a lovely life up until all of this it was nearly perfect. I had no grief no troubles really at all. as @LaLaLeylandii says "things can feel fine, until they don’t." I don't think I've been destined to have a crappy life. Everything was fine and all that has changed is that people are dead. I do know that I have control over how crappy things are - I could for example go to the gym, put all my energy into looking as good as I can and being as fit as I can, I could get a dog to get me out of the house and meeting people, I could internet date, and so on. If I did all of that, my life would be better. The point for me is that I don't want to because it all feels pointless. That's just my feeling and my choices. I can't face any of it because I don't want a partner, I am not feeling friendly or like I have capacity to like people or even make a friend. What has changed is my feeling. I feel that my life is over and pointless now but that's just me. Many people in my position would feel differently - people who weren't close to their parents, people who have more in their life than I do - like children, husbands and so on, people who hated their parents.

What I want is that deep deep platonic love I felt as a child for their parent and to receive that parental love back. I could have had a small sticking plaster in the shape of sibling/sibling love but that has gone. So I am in such pain and so alone and will never love or be loved again. It hurts horrifically and makes life seem empty forever.

@Charmofgoldfinch I was desperate for group grief counselling and looked hard but there is nothing accessible to me in my area unfortunately. Maybe I should have another go. It was even more depressing being told no nothing here at every turn. It' s worse some how when you are so low, manage to buck yourself up enough to try to take action, call loads of people and just get knocked back repeatedly. It makes you feel useless, rejected and more crap on top of being bereaved.

You are right. I am sad. Deeply deeply sad to my core.