For those childless not by choice, why did you want children?

[KimberleyClark]

I’m 63 now and with hindsight my reasons, aside from wanting to be a mum, were

Felt like the natural next step - I’d married, we had a home together.

All my friends and relatives were having children and I felt left out/left behind and it was so painful never having any pregnancy news to share.

I was more than ready for some time out of the workplace and a lifestyle change.

When it became clear that our path to parenthood was not going to be straightforward, obviously I wanted it more, that’s human nature.

When ttc I had a very rose tinted view of motherhood and family life. Back then in the 90s the downsides were not much talked about, the internet was in its infancy so there were no anonymous fora to talk about it. I can now see that while motherhood can be wonderful in many ways it can also be heartbreaking. I know people whose children have serious mental health issues, struggling with addictions or just not very nice people who treat their parents awfully.

I’m more relieved than anything that I never had children now!

Because it was expected, by society, family and what my husband wanted.
What I wanted didn’t really factor into it. It wasn’t until we knew that it wasn’t going to happen that I was able to feel a sense of relief.
My ‘sadness’ at the situation wasn’t for the lack of children, it was because I felt like I had yet again failed at something that was expected of me and sadness that my husband didn’t get the children he so wanted
and I put him through that pain.

I am alone now through bereavement. It’s odd, people once more think it’s sad that I have no family. There was a time when others just accepted that it wasn’t just me and my husband.
Yet I’m actually relieved that it is just me now.

I think it’s a combination of things: it’s expected, you can feel you failed if you haven’t due to others and the way they approach you, wanting to see my husband as a father etc

For me, I didn’t have the best childhood. I really wanted to be a mum to have the opportunity to do things differently. Can’t say that’s the best reason but it’s was just one of the drivers for me

I am sorry to hear about your bereavement @Alphabet1spaghetti2

That's an interesting perspective about feeling relived about being alone. I worry so much about being in this position in the future, but maybe I will feel differently if / when the time comes. I don't have brothers or sisters either, so no nieces or nephews, but I do have a couple of close friends and I hope to keep making more friends. I guess I also worry about judgement from others for having no family - being seen as a 'sad case' that sort of thing. It's a lot to face up to.

To answer the original post too, I wanted children so I wouldn't be alone in later life. So that I wouldn't be lonely, and to have someone who cared about me. All of these are very selfish reasons, I know.

I have always loved being with and interacting with children and was baby obsessed from being a toddler. I like just being with little ones, responding to them in the moment and co- creating silly games and activities together.

Life circumstances prevented me from having my own children. I'm 60 now. When I was in my 40's I decided that I just had to get out there and enjoy loving and relating to the children that came my way as I wasn't going to have my own.

So I have honorary nephews and grandchildren whom I love to absolute bits. I just enjoy being with them, their outlook on life and their desire to learn about the world. They make me laugh and smile lots. I obviously don't enjoy it when they have spats and fights with a sibling or a meltdown because they aren't allowed on the iPad but they enrich my life so much! I hope I support their parents ( I think I do) in helping with child care and giving them respite but I am also grateful to my friends in being willing to open up their families and share their children with me!

I think you can look at a lot of crap situations and think, "I'm glad that's not me" but we all see it through the view that suits our individual narrative.

The person who's got awful children, maybe criminal, abusive behaviour, it's very easy to look at and say "I'm so glad I don't have that" but it's not really the children. It's "I'm glad I'm don't feel a tie or an obligation to an awful person". It's not the norm though, most people are happy to have a nice family, because their family is, well, nice.

Likewise on the stately homes threads, there are people with horrendous parents. It could lead someone who is orphaned to say "I'm so glad I don't have that" but again, most people's parents aren't like that, and it's not the fact these people are parents that are the thing of note, it's that they are horrible people. Most people are glad they have parents, because their parents aren't horrible.

It's definitely a society norm to have kids although I think that view is starting to shift, probably not in my generation, but maybe the next. Finances didn't really come into play 50yrs ago like they do now, so a lot of people can't afford 2-3 kids. There are good and bad points to it, for sure.

My life would be different without kids. Would it be better? Depends on what you judge as better? Could I have traveled even more than I have? Yes. Would I have met the friends I have through being parents together? No. Would we have chosen this house if we didn't have children? No. Am I happier since I had them? Yes.

I mean, it's all subjective person by person.

I think many do it put of fear they'll regret not doing it. I think if age wasn't an issue for females there would be less children

Yes I think that’s a good point. Women naturally come to a “it’s now or never” point and men don’t. Though whether it is medically advisable for older men to father children is another question.

@Strawberriesandpears i think the relief comes from the fact I don’t have to look after/care/work around/factor in anyone else’s needs/wants/time into my day. Non of that impacts what I want to do next. Sounds a wee bit selfish I know. But I’ve spent 50+ years looking after or having to work around other family members. And now I’m free. Although I admittedly have zero idea of who or what I am or want to be.
I honestly don’t think I would have the capacity right now to be looking after adult children’s emotional needs of losing their dad. I barely have the capacity to be ‘ok’ in the face of society and pretend like I’m coping ok - although friends say I’m doing ‘amazing’.
so selfishly, I’m glad that ‘nature’ intervened and I didn’t have children.

Growing up, all I ever wanted was to be a mum - I wanted to be just like my mum. However, I was told at age 19 that I would not be able to have children. It was devastating news but nothing I could do about it.

So sorry that must have been so hard.

Aww thank you, @KimberleyClark. It was really difficult to process this news at the time, however, I realised as I got older that I was thankful that they had actually told me at that time. I had accepted this as the years went on, so I knew there was no chance of me being a mum. I hope this makes sense - I feel like I am waffling on!

I understand what you mean. Being told at that age was devastating but on the other hand you were spared years of ever dwindling hope. My very best wishes to you.

You are exactly right @KimberleyClark. I was then able to accept this news and just carry on with my life. It must be horrific for a woman who desperately wants to be a mum and tries for years, to then be told 'you can't be a mum'! I just can't imagine how they cope with this. Take care. ❤️

Similarly to @Alphabet1spaghetti2 I grew up in a community where girls left school at 16, either worked in a shop or did secretarial college then into an office job, then married and had babies.
I rebelled by daring to stay on to 6th form and then uni. As soon as I graduated, I married a nice (turned out to not be that nice!), 10 years older man from the church who my parents had pushed me onto. I assumed babies would happen and didn't really think much more beyond that. I worked full-time, building my career over a few years, no baby appeared. I then had a miscarriage and afterwards was given medical advice to not try for a baby. Cue husband exiting very rapidly to find a breeding mare.
So I don't know if I ever actively wanted a baby back then. I've always worked with children. Friends are starting to get grandchildren. I'm granny age to the kids who live by us so I've adopted them. I wish I'd had a baby but then I'd have had the issue of genetic problems and if I'd passed them on. It takes up A Lot Of Brain Space. I'm glad I didn't put that on some unsuspecting offspring, but at the same time I feel a huge loss and gap in my life that wasn't there 20 years ago.

Apologies, that turned into an essay!

All through my teens and twenties I never imagined I wouldn't have kids, i never said 'if' I always said 'when'. Kids were just expected, my whole life was I want to get married and have kids, now it feels like i've stalled cos I'm married but kids aren't going to happen. I know I shouldn't but I can't help blaming my parents. If they had had me tested at 16 when my dad was tested I would have had a chance to put something in place or plan for this but now it's too late. I feel like i've already failed at life and I'm only 38. My husband is amazing and always said he is OK with not having kids.