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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Other people’s expectations

6 replies

UnableToShare · 02/02/2025 14:11

I am in my 30s, married to a good man, a stable job and a lovely home. I am so fortunate and happy with the life we have. We have been together a very long time. We have no children. In 2022 I came off birth control I’d been on since my teens and realised it had been disguising pcos symptoms. My period didn’t come back for almost a year. It’s been a struggle to accept that I have fertility issues and learning what PCOS means for my long term health. I was never 100% sure if I wanted children, but to be faced with the uncertainty of being able to if I do want to has been difficult.

In the last few years we have both got new jobs, been promoted within
those, moved house and booked wonderful holidays. But what I’m really struggling with is every time I say I have good news or am obviously about to share something, my friends, family and in-laws all jump in first assuming I’m pregnant. Recently my sister made this assumption and began to well up with tears in her eyes - before I quickly set her straight and told her the (seemingly) trivial news in comparison. As we’ve been together for a long time there’s been years of assumptions, which I used to laugh off - but now it feels different. I don’t want to make it awkward asking them to stop assuming it as to be honest I don’t want to disclose I’m having fertility issues. I have lost count of how many times it has been assumed I’m pregnant now. It’s really getting me down, as now I am faced with I never being able to share this news they’re all so clearly expecting. It also makes whatever I want to share feel tarnished - like as whatever I have shared isn’t what they were expecting to hear, it’s disappointing to them.
Has anyone else been through this and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 02/02/2025 14:38

Stop saying you have good news, and putting “that” expectation in their minds. Just say you’ve got a promotion or you’re going on holiday instead.

UnableToShare · 02/02/2025 15:47

I have stopped saying that - but it also doesn’t happen just that way. It happens even if I look pleased about something! Recently I was out with friends for coffee & one of my friends went to the loo. When she came back I was in the middle of telling the others about a holiday I’d booked and am excited for it. She could see I was speaking and the others were smiling/happy looking for me. She literally walked over and asked, “what did I miss - are you pregnant?” & looked really excited. Don’t say get new friends. I also don’t really want to have to watch what I say all the time, but I’m definitely doing it already. Do I have to spend the next decade of my life avoiding saying I’ve got good news because that is grim

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 02/02/2025 16:10

Have you told family and close friends that you might struggle to conceive and therefore you don't want to discuss it but if anything changes you'll let them know first?

musixa · 02/02/2025 16:18

I agree with the advice to be specific about the news you're sharing, but if your friends and family are (seemingly) constantly anticipating this news, there isn't a lot you can do other than be honest with them about your fertility issues (which you've said you don't want to do) or say something more general about children definitely not being on the cards at present, and leave them to interpret it as they wish.

Daleksatemyshed · 02/02/2025 17:51

So many people don't have DC until their 30s that they now think you're going to change your mind and have a baby. Quite honestly, it would be better to tell them you're not planning on having a family and put and end to it, if you say you have fertility problems they'll think you're being brave and still make assumptions about IVF

fitzwilliamdarcy · 04/02/2025 13:45

If they’re absolutely determined to interpret everything this way then telling them about your fertility issues won’t help. Mine had been told I had a hysterectomy and they’d still get excited and forget and ask if I was pregnant. It’s because that’s all they and their friends were doing so there wasn’t mental room in any of their heads for any other option.

I’m afraid I did end up gravitating towards new friends (not because of this, though having your close friends repeatedly forget about your infertility doesn’t feel great).

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