Feminism

[LuLu345678]

Hi MNs
I’m 31, single and no kids. I’m considering whether having kids or even getting married is for me. I’m finding it all quite torturous tbh!
One of the biggest worries I have about having children is the imbalance of workload between men and women. All the couples around me who have kids (3 friends and many colleagues) seem to have a very similar set up. Mum works 4 days a week, dad works full time. Mum does everything in relation to the child and the home and is understandably run ragged as a consequence. This does not seem like a fair set up and I just don’t think I could live with that kind of resentment that is surely inevitable?
Do more equal partners exist? I think in my heart I would like a child but I am so terrified of ending up like the women I know. It’s a head and heart situation.
I really want to make some sort of decision around it as it’s torturous constantly thinking about it, and I don’t feel it’s fair for me to seriously try and date someone if I am on the fence about such a big topic. I would feel I could be wasting someone’s time.
I saw a fb ad for a book called ‘how to not hate your husband when you have kids’, well why is there not a book instead about men stepping up and really considering if they want to be fathers, rather than just having kids.
I keep seeing the stat on social media that single child free women are the happiest people, followed by married men…
From what I see around me it does seem that men get more from these set ups than women. The expectations seem higher of women and we never want to be single as we get pitied!
I like my lifestyle and independence at the moment, but I ham starting to hear the biological clock ticking.
I hate how this is such a harder, more complex and more risky decision for women.
Any advice/insight would be amazing please 🙏

If you're not dating then torturing yourself about a hypothetical marriage and child(ren) isn't a great use of your time. Maybe you might find the perfect equal partner...and then one of you gets sick or disabled or dies. What then?

Bottom line - do you absolutely want to have a child, no matter what? If so then research your options. If there is any uncertainty in your mind then wait. You have time.

I'm 40 and made a conscious decision that children weren't for me. Luckily, I found a husband who feels the same. We have discussed it hypothetically (how awful it would be) and both think it would break us up. Might sound cynical but there we go. For us, our lives and our futures are better without children.

1. Do not have children unless you are sure that you want them, including being sure that you are willing to raise a disabled child and being sure that you are willing to be a single parent. If you have kids that you regret, the kids get hurt. If you don't have kids, only you get hurt.
2. Do not have children with a man you are not married to. You almost certainly will be the primary childcarer and your earnings and pension will suffer. If your marriage breaks down, you will have a claim against your husband's pension and the value of the marital home, and this will compensate you for the work you did raising children and the earnings and pension you lost doing so.
3. Do not move into a house that a man owns without marrying him or at least being named on the mortgage and deeds as a co-owner. Do not accept a division of finances that has him paying the mortgage whilst you pay bills. Cohabiting women have been utterly shafted by men ending the relationship and she has no claim against the house despite paying the utilities for years or even decades, and she has the legal status of a lodger so isn't even entitled to a month's notice to quit.
4. Do not move into rented accommodation with a man without being named on the tenancy agreement. If you don't do this, you have the status of a lodger.

Thank you for your responses.
I am actually quite financially savvy and own my own home in London. Most men I go on date with don’t own their property and have lower paying jobs. This is another factor as I wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I am responsible for house, children and the breadwinner. A man has contribute something. I understand if they suddenly became ill or disabled that would be different but otherwise I don’t want a sperm doner that I have to mother. But it’s proving hard to find a match.

I'm 34 and I generally witness the same as you. I know one couple where the woman has put her foot down and essentially made the father pull his weight, but I think it's taking a toll on her and on the relationship. I don't necessarily think you 'can't' date. I think a lot of people (especially men) just assume they'll grow up, get married and have kids, but that seems to be changing a bit. I'm on the fence, leaning towards being childfree. I met DH at 27 and have always been open about not really wanting children. We talk about it a lot and are working through the decision together. I think that's the key, you need to be open as otherwise you potentially are wasting everyone's time. DH is great and is in a job that is traditionally female (caring profession), but even then I do most of the wife work and carry the mental load reminding him of appointments etc, so I suspect if we had kids I'd take on the vast majority of the work.

ETA - reading your post again it sounds like you feel you do want children tbh, so maybe you're in a totally different position to me.

I haven’t read how not to hate your husband when you have kids I will give it a go . I would say there is a book that is for men This is how your marriage ends by Matt fray.

Putting my hard hat on here . I have also read feminism against progress by Mary Harrington and The case against the sexual revolution Louise Perry. Both discussed the current pitfalls you describe in your op within a current patriarchal society.

Fair play Eva Rodsky addresses how maybe fair is the goal not equal and could scare the pants of any potential new fella but would certainly form a good screening mechanism.

inevitability there will always be risks but that squared against the potential joy of having a child.

For me it comes down to how much you actually want children. I don't have kids and am very happy with my situation but if I had wanted them and was in a financial position to do it I wouldn't have let the (admittedly very real) social and biological inequalities stop me. It's very important to have them with someone who is a mature grown up and supportive however, not a manchild. Someone who would still be a committed parent and act decently even if you separated. There are such men - I know some!

Have a dc on your own then you have one dc not 2!

I think it’s about your choice of partner. These days there’s no reason for men not to take shared parental leave and become integral to child raising from very early on. This is crucial, otherwise all the baby groups and nursery and the GP and eventually school have your name as the contact, not his.

Some men end up ‘giving in’ to the idea of having a child and that’s not enough. Both partners must want the child and be committed to the work it entails.

i see a lot of unequal child rearing but increasingly I see a lot more equality. There is hope.

I earn most of the money in my relationship and DH does most of the domestic stuff. Works well for us.

Choose your life partner very carefully.
Not all men are crap.
In my experience most are happy to leave their wives to it.

I'm a feminist too. When I was younger one of my mottos was "It starts when you sink into his arms but it ends with your arms in his sink".

So I wasn't looking for marriage (if it didn't happen that was fine) but i did want a man who would see us equals. I wasn't marrying anyone who wouldn't. And I found him. We shared the load. I became the higher earner, he became a SAHD. He was so proud of me. He wanted me to be the most I could be.

Set your standards high. There are men out there who won't constrict you.

Don't choose some knuckle dragger for a partner and have very firm boundaries. Watch out for sexist attitudes. Move in together and see if he treats you with consideration and respect. Observe his behaviour, not what he says.