"But you'd be a great mum!"

[Kullis]

You know those horrific news stories of a woman taking her own life along with her child/children?

That would be me.

I get the title comment ALL the time from other women (and men) - yes I love kids, I'm great with them, when I can hand them back and go back to my clean, tidy, quiet home where I'm guaranteed an 8 hour uninterrupted sleep.

Hats off to parents. The stress and sleep deprivation would literally kill me.

No, I would not be a great mum. I'd end up as a Metro headline.

Thanks no thanks.

I think a lot of women are caught off guard by the discrepancy between the image society teaches them about motherhood and the actual reality.

Very true. I do wonder how many mothers encourage other women to have children as a way of affirming their life choices too.

Birth rate in this country is at an all time low, although I suspect that might partly be due to economy atm.

I'm not convinced that many women who do really want children won't have them due to affordability, from what I've seen, if they want a baby, they'll be dead set on that, no matter the circumstances. Hormonal drive overriding practicalities?

I would defend anybody's right male, female or anything else not to have children, but do they always talk about sleep ? I find it completely baffling.

I always thought I would be a great mum, and planned to have DCs. Always the fun friend playing with friends' DCs, offering to read the bedtime stories, or to babysit.

Then I became a stepmum to an 18mth old. The step bit was difficult, as it often is, but that aside, I discovered that being (albeit jointly) 'in charge' of a small person for significant chunks of time, having to watch hours of Peppa Pig, clean up wee accidents, get up in the middle of the night for nightmares, have days out ruined by tantrums, constantly be on alert for danger, and sun cream application, and snacks that were acceptable yesterday being the work of the devil today, and so on...was not for me full time.

A few years before I would say my friends would have voted me most likely to have kids soon. I am now, 15 years on, the only one without any.

I love that you post this on MUMSNET 😂
Thanks so much for the blanket judgement!

I'm always bemused by that comment becuase even if it's true, does that mean I have to do it? I mean, according to every guidance counsellor/ test etc, I'd have made a great lawyer. But I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't like lawyers.

Just becuase I COULD do something, and do it well, doesn't mean I want to do it. Similarly, I am a pretty good cook, doesn't mean I want to be a chef.

I've heard people say this and I can only assume that they assume the reason someone doesn't want to be a mother is becuase they are worried they'd be a bad mother. I honestly think that's probably only a very small percentage of the women who choose not to be mothers.

In the Mumsnetters without children section.

I can afford a child. I just don't want one.

Agree with your original post @Kullis. Just because I can be nice to my friends children absolutely does not mean I'd be a good mother.

there's no blanket judgement here at all. What are you on about. Op is wondering whether some mothers might be wanting others to be mothers to justify/validate their own life choices. It's not a weird or strange thing to wonder.

I think there are many parents that have more children or too many children with too small age gaps than they can actually handle, leading to poor quality of living and poorer MH for all involved. If that number for you is 0 good on you for putting yourself and any potential children first.

in my teens and early 20s i'd always thought i would have children. for various reasons it didn't happen, and the decision not to actively pursue help to be a parent was a conscious choice. i'm a worrier by nature so i'd like to think i would have tried to be a great mum. whether i would have been, who knows?

the great mum comment varies on whether it irritates me or not. sometimes i think it's meant as a compliment and i've accepted it as such. i like children and i like spending time with my younger extended family and friends' kids. other times it pisses me off as it sounds a bit accusatory - as if i have fallen short somehow by not going through ivf or adoption.

I don't think the evidence bears this out, but v. difficult thing to study. The evidence is that there is an increasing amount of unintended childlessness. Jody Day is v. good on this. https://gateway-women.com/

Im not the mother type.
I understand some want children but i will never get why some have children when they are hitting their 50s.
I love my life with me and not having to care for others i come first.
I want to grab my passport at anytime and fuck off when i want.
Not deal with kids and school dramas etc.

I don't think it's that so much as women are socialised to agree with each other and find difference a bit threatening in friendships, and when one woman has kids and another doesn't, a big gap can open up in the way they're each experiencing life. That can feel uncomfortable- ie that we're not on the same page any more- leading to an instinct in the mum to urge the non- mum to join her in the club. That's my take on it anyway

I always thought, "how the fuck do you know?" when people came out with that.

Luckily, after I turned 40, there are fewer comments on my life choices in general.

Especially not in this section of the forum.

It was such a relief when I hit 45 and people stopped asked me why I only had one kid. It's a bit wearing to try and find the right words to explain giving birth nearly killed the pair of us ONCE let alone risking it a second time, when actually you just want to tell the nosey fuckers to get fucked.

I agree with the poster up thread who said motherhood is a massive shock.

The other lie we're fed is that they grow up and parenting is over, errrr nope, I've found it harder as there's sod all you can do when they're making daft choices. The worry never stops.

Motherhood has been the most fantastic and hardest thing I've ever done in equal measures. More people should admit just how hard it is.

I agree OP, it's a daft thing to say to people.

I used to get this a lot as I taught children (abroad).

I’d be like, yeah you think that because you can’t see the mental health issues I’m masking from you and the fact that when I am not at work, my lifestyle is as beige and boring as possible because I cannot tolerate another person making another sound.

What kid would deserve to grow up like that?

But then I’ve seen enough “why did you decide to have kids?” threads on here to know that many people put 3 seconds of thought into the decision, so I guess I probably do seem weird to many.

I think the self awareness and empathy needed to decide "I'm not going to have children because they don't deserve such a difficult life" is partly what makes some of us seem like we would be good mothers. Parents don't think about these things because it's more about their desire to be parents than their baby's desire to be born, and then they are taken aback when their baby, child or adult child suffers.

Many people refuse to acknowledge their own failings, then at best they pass on all their issues to their kids. At worst they are neglectful and/or abusive.

the comments about when was i going to 'finally' have a baby stopped a couple of years ago. they've been replaced with comments about how i won't have anyone to look after me when i'm old. i eventually ran out of patience with a former friend when she kept on about this. pointed out that i've worked as a carer and there are a sizeable number of elderly people in care homes who get no visitors at all. we know they have family, but you never see them. she didn't have much to say after that.

You really don't need to be offended by my thread, posted in the childfree section.

Yes exactly - I'm self aware enough to know I am much happier being childfree.

Millions of women love being a parent. They find their kids wonderful and the hard work worth it. Because for them, it genuinely is!

But that doesn't mean I would. I would hate it.

It's the 'come on, be part of the club, you will like it really, you just don't know that yet' that I dislike.

No! I don't like your club!

I'm kind, caring, fun - friend's kids gravitate towards me and I enjoy babysitting but I'd be a resentful, dead-inside psychotic bucket case of a mother.

There are hundreds of posts on AIBU from adults going no contact with parents and replies from posters saying 'your mum/dad was awful, they shouldn't have had kids' and yet those of us saying no thanks to having our own are told 'but you'd be GREAT, you don't know what love you're missing!'

My answer to this- I’d be great at many, many things I don’t have the time or motivation for.