Guilt about not giving husband kids

[springbreeze24]

I met my now husband nearly 20 years ago. He wanted kids and I was very much on the fence. I'd never thought about kids until I met him and I'll admit I did get extremely broody but all the negativity around parenting really put me off.

He comes from a traditional area and all his friends had young kids when we met but was very much the men working all hours and the women providing all the childcare. I found that idea of that kind of set up very off-putting, as it was like his life would carry on as normal and mine would change much more.

I was always quite upfront about not wanting kids but whenever I tried to voice my concerns, e.g., about finances / time / childcare, he was never able to have a serious conversation about it. It was like he liked the idea but confronting the reality was too much. He'd just say, 'oh, it'll be fine' or make some kind of joke. I remember feeling really bitter at the time as it was like he got a big pat on the back for wanting to be a dad but didn't seem to think he had do anything other than want kids and it would magically happen. Also assuming that I would just be able to continue working (with no thought to childcare) and life would just continue but we'd have a cute child to love.

We talked about it and he said he wasn't that fussed and would rather stay with me.

Now we are both in our late 40s and I feel so guilty. Partly because one of his close friends has just had his first baby and also all his friend's DC are now young adults and I can see how much their parents enjoy them. There's no way he wouldn't have enjoyed being a dad and I feel terrible that I deprived him of it. I wonder if I should have left and he would have met someone that shared his dreams, even though it would have been hard at the time.

I don't think I'm really looking for advice, just getting it off my chest

You say perhaps you should have left him, but if he'd really wanted kids surely he'd have left you? He had agency here to make his own decisions. It seems he wanted to be with you more than he wanted to have kids.

You don't know what his life would have been like with someone else, he could have had 6 children, 2 marriages and been miserable. He's with you, stop second guessing and enjoy what you have.

If he was desperate for children he would have left. You were perfectly clear throughout your relationship that you didn't want kids.

I do understand though. I'm in a similar position but 10 years behind you. I really hope my husband doesn't regret his decision to stay with me in the future.

I think your assessment of the situation was probably accurate. He'd have probably quite like kids, but hadn't considered the practicalities in any great depth and from what you've written, he wasn't desperate to be a father.

I've read enough threads here to know that men are often happy enough to have kids, but their lives, hobbies, career, and obviously health don't change nearly as much as it impacts the woman.

You gave him ample opportunity to discuss it seriously and he chose to make jokes instead. This to me, means he wasn't all that fussed either way.

No - I have kids and I love being a parent.

But noone is entitled to another person's reproductive capacity. Your guilt would only make sense if he had an entitlement to make you produce children for him.

You didn't stop him from having children, you just didn't make them for him using YOUR body (not to mention primarily raise them for him as I suspect you correctly anticipated).

Thanks guys. I know, he said himself if he had really wanted it he'd have pushed more (and I'd have run for the hills, lol).

I think I just like torturing myself about stuff! It's also not easy, I think, to be the one who made the decision if you know what I mean. I tried so hard because I was worried about dangling a carrot so to speak but I could have just said nothing and just never got around to trying, then it would have been anyone's decision.

There's another recent thread on here that made me think lots of men just see children in the abstract and feel no pressure to start ttc even when their partner is getting older, but still say they want a big family

As PP have said, you were clear and he made his choice. You didn't deprive him of anything.

If you'd had children you didn't want and he wasn't fussed about, that would have been terrible for the children and might well have broken your relationship.

He’s male he can have them now if he wants.

I was going to say the same thing! If he desperately wanted children he could easily still have them but he's not left you for a younger woman so it doesn't seem to be that important to him.

You didn't stop him from having children, you just didn't make them for him using YOUR body (not to mention primarily raise them for him as I suspect you correctly anticipated).

This is bang on. And as others have said, he can still have them if he’s that desperate to.

I mean this in a kind way, but trust me, you can’t possibly know if he would have enjoyed being a dad or not. Nobody knows that beforehand.

Don't feel guilty Op, if he'd really wanted DC he'd have left you, instead he wasn't that fussed and chose to stay with you. It's the cultural thing, he was expected to want to be a DF so he said he wanted them but when push came to shove he didn't want them enough to change anything.

Would he have felt remotely guilty if pregnancy or labour had killed you or ruined your health? If being a mother had been absolutely horrible (and I guess if he's from such a traditional area, you'd have done all the work) and wrecked your mental health?

As PP said, nobody is entitled to another person's reproductive capacity, most especially a woman's, which is a commitment orders or magnitude greater than a man's. You have nothing to feel guilty about.