For mumsnetters who are childfree due to infertility, is this part of the journey to being childfree

[Opalfleur2026]

Dh and I married at 22. We have always been open to the idea of babies so much so that even at university when we were using condoms, DH promised me that if I did get pregnant (we met in final year and it was my first sexual relationship), we would marry and keep the baby. We married at 22 anyway, partially because we wanted to but also because we are an international couple and it was easier for us to stay in the same country. As soon as we married we used the withdrawal method and we said that if we had the baby we would definitely keep the baby and be happy. Dh is atheist BTW and we are definitely pro choice so it doesn't have to do with religion (though we are both from traditional religious backgrounds and I currently belong to a liberal denomination).

We used withdrawal method from 2015 (I was 22) to August 2023. Rhythm method from Feb to August 2023 (no condoms). Officially TTC from August 2023 to now. Nothing. Went to nhs to investigate fertility, not much found from the tests.. We discuss this and we agreed that we would go through one round of ivf maximum if needed .

I have done some research and apparently many couples need multiple cycles to get pregnant. But I am not willing to put myself through that, I think for me I just want to say I tried and move on if I can't.. in a sense I am mentally preparing myself for a future without children; previously I was obsessed wirh moving onto a bigger flat now I am far less bothered as our tiny 2 bed is optimal for us and taking on that kind of extra debt in London is life changing.

What do you all think, esp those of you who have been through ivf.

We went through several cycles of IVF without success. It’s expensive, invasive and gruelling and tbh I think opting out of it is a valid option. It’s highly likely you’ll need more than one cycle. If you were really keen I’d say go for it but with an absolute cut off point. But it doesn”t sound like you are.

I would pursue more tests to be honest before going for IVF. There may be all sorts of underlying factors..smoking, weight, bloods both male and female
But IVF at your age has a much higher chance of success than for older women. But it's more invasive than pursuing further tests for Both of you.

Three kids by IVF, bothcycles a success!

"Not much" could cover a whole area of concern. They obviously found something...address that something . IVF isn't the first line of action.

I feel you are preparing yourself mentally for failure perhaps protecting yourself, but it's very likely you will be parents. I suppose that was the way I approached it. One way or another this will happen was my mantra

IVF was perhaps too much of a knee jerk reaction in my case, there were other ways. But IVF did work for me first time (blocked tubes)

in a sense I am mentally preparing myself for a future without children; previously I was obsessed wirh moving onto a bigger flat now I am far less bothered as our tiny 2 bed is optimal for us and taking on that kind of extra debt in London is life changing

From my reading- and I could very well be wrong- it seems almost as though you have already moved passed wanting kids to anticipating a childfree life, and seeing it as a positive direction for you.

So many of us assume we want children and act on that assumption. Maybe it's worth considering; do you actually? In two-three years, would you rather be heading to a park on a Saturday morning with toddlers in tow, or getting yourself some croissants to eat in peace alone with the paper?

Neither is "better" but if one obviously pulls you in a way the other doesn't, it may be clarifying.

I feel somehow if I am trying because I don't want to regret it and ivf is a way to get a sense of closure. Sounds awful when it's such a major decision I know.

I was once told on here i probably do want children, no one who has this much unprotected sex purposefully doesn't not want children.

It isn't on a whim, it's many years of doing it..

I would say that if you’ve been having unprotected sex for the best part of a decade and not conceived, there is definitely an issue of some sort. Further investigations may or may not identify it, just as IVF may or may not work. The question is whether or not you want to embark on a long and stressful journey which may not get you where you want to be in the end

You might have been told that on here, but you know your heart, not us anonymous strangers on the internet. I don't think you can only look at your external behaviours to prove to yourself one way or another what you want.

IVF is an incredibly invasive process. It comes with its own health risks- both short term and long term. It's a big ask even for someone desperate for a baby.

If you are really on the fence, maybe consider egg freezing? Not perfect or fool proof, but an option to try and maximise time while you truly consider what future is the right fit for you.

You don't of course HAVE to stay in London if finances tight for having kids, space etc. Having kids starts creating multiple alternate futures, as you have no idea once they arrive how life will be, or what they you will require

I think part of the incredible tension of infertility and all those years you live worrying about it, fighting it, is that inevitability you develop a sort of tunnel vision focused on a positive pregnancy test, "baby" result. Not to start with but it grinds you down.

You said something wisely that at the beginning of your life together you were so open to possibilities but I wonder whether you are feeling a kind of anger now that your generosity of spirit has been rewarded so inadequately , and responding by reasserting "control" by researching and deciding "no".

The hardest thing about IVF is that every baby involves enormous amounts of decisions and very little freespiritness. It saps you. You can feel like an imposter parent

But that is not to say I would far far far rather better in the situation I am now with three amazing children grown up than to have not had that experience

Withdrawal for 8 years. Ttc for 15 months.

A lot of people say withdrawal works though there is a 20% failure rate plus coupled with the ttc.

I don't want to sound negative but one round will have a low chance of succeeding. Then you may have viable embryos you want to use (far less invasive doing that than going through egg harvesting again). So be open to seeing how you feel afterwards... depending on finances etc.

Don't undergo ivf just to feel you did it. I really don't think that's a good idea.

Sorry, I should add that if you're sure you want a child then you should absolutely go for it, but maybe have further checks first.

How old are you now?

I had ivf at 27 due to blocked tubes. Had dc at 28. Worked first time and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought. Waited a few years due to studying/ life and went back to clinic to have a range of tests and my egg reserve was much lower than my age. Dh and I decided not to jinx our luck and didn't do ivf again. Been nearly 15 years, not used any contraception and never been pregnant. Am happy with our decision not to have further treatment.

I think IVF is more likely to work if you have a mechanical problem like blocked tubes as opposed to more subtle problems with egg, sperm or endometrial quality. That’s what it was originally developed for.

They did a pelvic scan and it is all normal.

I had to have a dye test to establish blocked tubes. I'm not sure whether this is still done.

I was33 and 35 when I had my successful IVF cycles

OP, have they checked your DH? There are lots of infertility issues for men too, from sperm (count, mobility, etc) to other anatomical problems like varicocele.
You are young and 15 months of ttc isn't too much time: I would persevere with trying to know the cause.
Good luck 🍀🍀🍀

I had my first cycle of IVF at 23. After 6 cycles I finally gave birth at 28. After many hours spent on fertility forums, speaking to a broad section of women I knew that it often takes multiple cycles to get a positive result, in fact my consultant said first cycles are to see how the body reacts to treatment so the next one is easier to conduct. I personally would have kept having treatment until my legs fell off.

I think if you're happy to just have one attempt then go for it but prepared that it will most probably fail and don't assume it will give you 'closure'.

His sperm is good.

OP - I’m slightly older than you but in a similar situation. I think it is difficult to decide on ivf/ how many rounds when you don’t know what the cause of your fertility issue is - for my NHS trust they only do the basic tests and they are really only testing to see if you meet the criteria for IVF (and your one free round). I have asked multiple times if I can have endometriosis and blocked tubes investigated - they won’t do it and won’t accept privately funded investigations either (not that I can afford). It’s therefore difficult to make a decision on IVF because I don’t actually know the reason why we aren’t getting pregnant, therefore it’s difficult to know how successful IVF might be and whether I want to put myself through it for low odds.

i think right now you need to decide if you want a baby at all - how would you feel if you got pregnant naturally? If you do want a baby then are you willing to undergo one round of IVF based on the info you have on your health and the process?. If you go for one round and it’s unsuccessful you can then decide what to do with any frozen embryos or how many other full cycles you want to do based on the info you gained from round 1. For my NHS trust the funding covers a full round of IVF and then transfer of all embryos until either pregnancy or no embryos left- so it is worth clarifying what your funding covers if you are eligible for funding.

My ICB covers 3 cycles and 6 embryo transfers. I would be happy if I got pregnant naturally but I also see the merits of not having a baby (and it being nature's way of telling me I cant). Given how messed up the world is, perhaps it's for the best.

When world war 2 happened, the infertile women probably didn't feel so unlucky.

That’s good - it sounds like you have some options to consider. I think a lot of clinics have counselling services attached to treatment so it might be useful for you to discuss with them your thoughts and the difficulty you are having in deciding. They maybe be able to offer some other perspectives and questions to ask yourself. Maybe if you can’t decide at the moment it might be worth telling the clinic that you wish to pause for the time being if you can without being taken off the list and having to be re-referred?

edited as I replied before you edited your post- I think only you can decide on whether you want to undergo treatment or not - it’s a really hard decision to make and you will be grieving the loss of not being able to conceive naturally. Fertility treatment is not something you anticipate having to do when you decide to start a family.
Personally, I think your comment re: state of the world and infertile women in WW2 is more about the decision to have children at all rather than undertake fertility treatment - if you were to conceive naturally then the world would be in the same shitty state as it now. You need to decide if you want to bring a child into it regardless of how it is conceived. I also think the WW2 comment is unhelpful - those women may have been grieving the loss of family members and friends, and also the families they never got to have due to many different reasons including reproductive health (and the lack of treatments/ diagnosis available then) - it’s impossible to know how they felt.