How to get her to leave me alone ?

[Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo]

Me and two other women were once close work friends.

For reasons that I have never properly understood, friend A (who is super successful professionally and personally, much more than me) became quite competitive with me not long after we met. I was still single and she was married with kids. This took the form of snarky comments about when I was going to get engaged, selfish childless women etc. She also became very competitive and sharp-elbowy at work. I ended up leaving that workplace after getting married myself, due to infertility, depression and having to do IVF (4 cycles, didn't work).

My friendship with Friend B was always much more genuine and heartfelt. We have all stayed in touch over the years and occasionally meet up for dinner. We sometimes cross paths professionally but this is rare.

I went through a really difficult time about 10 years ago, both Friend A and B knew about it broadly, though I confided more in friend B. I know Friend A talked about it/me to mutual former work friends (because one of them told me).

Friend B then got married and pregnant at quite a late age. Despite knowing what I had been through with infertility, and knowing that I don't really feel fully comfortable with friend A, friend B announced her pregnancy as a "surprise" when we met up for dinner together. I somehow got through the evening - genuinely happy for friend B if a bit dismayed that she didn't think to tell me first, but the worst was feeling like my pain must have been obvious to friend A (well, both of them to be honest) and she kind of fed off it. Horrible.

I have not seen either of them since, but friend A has tried to arrange for us all to meet up several times. I have always had some excuse or another not to go, but the suggestions keep coming and she doesn't seem to get the message. I don't understand why friend A wants to see me, unless she wants to orchestrate some sort of theatre of pain, in which I pretend I'm totally fine and happy at being left childless while Friend B 'got the baby' at the last minute and all the talk is inevitably about kids. I'm not fine about it, at all, even though I am happy for Friend B. I wish them both the best but I also do not want to meet up together, ever again. I'd be fine to see friend B by herself but she's too busy thesedays, which is fair enough.

How can I get friend A to leave me alone, without being open about my feelings which could be taken as petty and vindictive (maybe I am, so what) but not make it awkward if we cross paths? I'm not sure why this bothers me so much as we're talking a couple of messages a year, but every time it unbalances me and I spend a long time thinking about it all. Tired of it now. I can't just ignore as she chases me up. I can't pretend to have left the country. What else can I do ?

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts much appreciated.

Quite honesty I wouldn't worry about being petty Op- they both know you wanted a DC but weren't able to have one- so why are they both being so thoughtless? Friend B may be a nicer person but dumping her pregnancy on you with no warning wasn't very nice, was it? I'm child free by choice so those sort of comments are like water off a duck's back to me but for you they are really hurtful. Stop worrying about their feelings, they're not worried about hurt yours.

I’m sorry. You’ve been through a really tough time.

I think you can ignore - even if she chases up. Why not? Does she live near, would you ever see or run into her? Just don’t reply! And if she does chase through someone else or you do see her - ‘Oh sorry. I must have missed those messages. I’m pretty busy to be honest, not really got time to catch up…’

Thank you @Daleksatemyshed You're right it wasn't nice of friend B. I've gaslit myself about that a bit as she was one of my very favourite people. It's not so much that I'm worrying about hurting their feelings, it's more that I don't want them (particularly friend A) to know how bad I feel because I think friend A gets off on it. And if I don't go, then it's like proof that it causes me pain. But if I do, then I have to pretend it doesn't - when obviously it does. Catch 22.

Hi @NeckolasCage thank you. It has been shite. Ignoring may just be the only way. I have declined the most recent invite so will try radio silence with any more that come.. I'd like a tidy resolution but there probably isn't one.

I am so sorry you've been through such a tough time. They have both been very insensitive but friend A has been so awful to you that I would never want to see her again. As friend B is so busy then I wouldn't see either of them. I certainly wouldn't trust friend B not to tell the other woman everything you tell her.

I think ignoring the messages is the only way to go. How dare that woman treat you so badly. Ignoring her means she is getting off lightly but it also means you are not feeding the beast.

I'm not sure what B did wrong. She announced her pregnancy while you were all at dinner together. That's fairly normal. She probably didn't anticipate that you would be hurt and upset or that you have a long-standing issue with A.

Thanks @healthybychristmas that's made me feel a lot better about my reaction..

@pictoosh I'm not saying friend B did anything objectively wrong. It's entirely normal behaviour, though she did know I have a long standing issue with A, and that I've had a really tough time not getting pregnant. Fair enough she may not have anticipated the effect on me - why should she really. But I wouldn't dream of announcing, for example, my engagement without warning if I knew my friend was getting over a shitty divorce. It's not wrong as such, it's just thoughtless.

It sounds like you've been carrying a heavy emotional load, and it's understandable that you’re feeling hurt and uncomfortable in these situations. It’s okay to have these feelings, especially given the struggles you've faced.
People don’t always realize the impact of their words or actions, and unfortunately, some can be thoughtless, focusing only on their lives without considering how it may affect others. Friend A’s behavior sounds particularly hurtful, especially if it feels like she’s been insensitive or dismissive of your experiences.
You might find some peace by creating distance from Friend A. You don't owe her a detailed explanation—simply prioritizing your well-being is reason enough. If her messages bother you, you could consider not responding or politely stating that you’re busy, without needing to give more.
Building new friendships with people who understand and support your situation may also bring a positive change. Therapy can be a helpful space to process these feelings and find new ways to manage these friendships in a way that protects your peace. You deserve to be around people who genuinely respect and understand your journey.
Wishing you all the best on your path forward.

But life continues and other people have peaks and troughs just as I do.
I wouldn't think to downplay my engagement because my friend was going through a divorce.

I should also say that you have no obligation to keep seeing A or build on the friendship. It sounds as though she is fairly shitty to you. I'm sorry things have been so hard.

Thank you @Gummybear23 what a lovely post.

OP - I think you need to stop calling Friend A a friend - she doesn’t sound like one. Friend B on the other hand does sound like a good friend - yep she was insensitive and thoughtless with her announcement but I don’t think she did it to hurt you (and I know how triggering pregnancy announcements can be being infertile myself). I think you should try to continue the friendship with Friend B (if you feel able to with her becoming a mum).

perhaps the pregnancy will give an opportunity for the friendship circle to fizzle out - if you say you’re busy/ ignore messages and friend b is busy with her pregnancy/ baby then a meet up isn’t on the cards really and won’t be for a while. Then you can message friend b separately and meet up with her alone?

I really do wish you well OP - fertility issues are really hard especially when those around you are having kids. If you haven’t already it might be worth having a think about how involved you want to be with your friends pregnancy and where you might put some boundaries to protect your own well-being. 💐

If you know that a close friend has struggled with a ivf failure and infertility, it’s much kinder to consider giving that news in private, not announcing it in public. I’m in the same boat as OP and you can be happy for friends whilst it also reminding you of your loss, and personally I’d rather process that not in front of people over dinner.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this OP, I’m also childless after failed ivf and miscarriages and I can really relate to how you’re feeling here.

’Friend’ A is no friend, cut her off and have no qualms you’re in the right, her behaviour and cruel comments are unacceptable and you’d have been within your rights to stop seeing her a long time ago.

Friend B I think has been insensitive and could’ve definitely told you about her pregnancy in a better way. I think it’s very hard for people to consider how the news of a friends pregnancy hits you when you’re in this situation.

From personal experience it’s not that you can’t feel happy for them, because it’s what you wanted, but it obviously brings back all of the loss and hurt you’ve experienced through infertility, I’ve been there, it’s a really complicated place to be.

I hope you’re doing ok, and I hope maybe in the future you can just cut out A from your life, nobody needs that kind of person around them.

Just disappear quietly, OP. Friend A is not a friend, she's an acquaintance at best. Friend B announced her pregnancy because she was excited and happy. Do you really think she should dim her candle to make yours shine brighter? I don't think you do, you were just not prepared. A little thoughtless of her, yes, but why would you expect her to think of you first at that moment? You asked too much of her there. You sound really sad and upset but it doesn't appear that it was her intention. Friend A on the other hand, sounds like no loss.

Thank you @TheBluntTurtle it's true, and I can see A isn't a friend - the worst of her comments were in the first few years we knew each other so not since I haven't had kids - but still not acceptable and I can't shake the feeling she enjoys me hurting. The sad thing is B doesn't seem to want to see my on my own - I have suggested but plans don't get made. She may feel awkward about it and I understand that.

And thank you @Changingplace your understanding is palpable and made me teary - in a good way. A very complicated place indeed, I think I'm through the worst of the intense grief so isn't not like a hot knife in my heart anymore, it's more like a wave - which can be small or huge. It sounds like you are doing OK (I hope you are) and I'm always very glad to hear that from anyone who has been through this.

Hi @CocoapuffPuff I understand where you are coming from and of course I wouldn't expect B's first thought to be "Wow, I'm pregnant... but how shall I break the news to Hatandcoat ?" What stung was she waited until that evening and she was already well more than 3 months along. So plenty of time for it to occur to her that she could just message me and let me process it in private. So the more I think about it, the more I feel keeping distance from both of them is better. I would disappear quietly if A would just leave me be.

This has obviously taken a massive toll on you, and I'd agree that A seems to enjoy your discomfort. That's a reflection on her, not you, but you're totally within your rights to refuse to allow her to continue. You sound very broken spirited, and it may well be time to fade these friendships out.
It's not up to Friend A to " let you go". You hold the power. Mute her messages. Don't read them. Grey rock. Block, if you have to.
Or draw up your boundary and send her one last message. Friend A, I won't be communicating with you again, our relationship is no longer enjoyable for me and I'm severing all ties. Please don't contact me again. Your Ex Friend

Clear. Plus you'll drive her crazy. Sadly I think you have to leave Friend B behind too.

Thanks @CocoapuffPuff that is good advice.

I do think friend B was simply a little thoughtless to not consider how her happy news would be received by the OP, but I do think it’s not inconceivable that she could have had a little more self awareness.

Many of my friends have had similar situations and have gone out of their way to give me a little space to process their news, I think it’s probably the difference between a true close friend and the friend in this situation who is an old colleague and in reality more of an acquaintance.

Hmmm Friend B not wanting to meet up without Person A (I’m not calling them Friend as she hasn’t been kind to you at all!) does make it tricky. I guess that’s because they still work together and see each other there?

i think with Friend B you can either be upfront and tell her you no longer wish to meet with person a but you value her as a friend and want to keep her as a friend. The risk there is that Friend B may feel as though you’ve put her in the middle.

or you don’t raise it directly but still try to continue the friendship with friend b independently, but accept this might not work out. Could you invite her to yours for dinner/ lunch/ coffee (just thinking it’s harder for someone to ignore a direct invite like that and she’s can’t invite person a to your home)? You never know - you going non contact with Person A might change the dynamics between Person A and Friend B - some groups/ people need a person to put down/ scapegoat/ bully etc which you might have been for Person A - she won’t change her behaviour her focus will just switch to someone else.

or you could just cut ties with both - but you might regret not trying with friend b first.

things like this in friendship groups are really hard - I was the one who a couple of girls in my school friendship group liked to put down/ exclude as adults - I never found out why. I left that group - I’m still in touch with one friend from the group who I consider a good friend. When you add infertility into the mix in these situations it’s even more complicated!

I don’t see either of these people as friends A sounds like a proper mare and B sounds like an acquaintance. Proper friends are people that are ‘in the boat with you’. You speak all the time, have coffee and such. If you were real friends there would be no announcement it’s just part of life. The trying, the test, the result. It’s all just calls and pop ins. Once you recognise this it will be easier to let yourself go from the obligation of these women, move on and just be with proper friends that act with humanity toward you. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through though.

also it seems to me likely that B would tell A