It feels like everyone is having babies

[midnightmeows]

Everywhere I look, people I know are having their first, second or even third. On social media there's been 3 people I went to school with this week alone.

I don't have children due to life circumstances. But it feels like I'm fast becoming a minority. I don't even know if I actually want kids, but maybe I fear what my life will be like? I don't have loads of friends and my family are not too bothered about me - I think my parents will become even less so once my siblings have children and they have grandkids. I also worry that I may be viewed as an outsider by society. I know they are not reasons to have kids, but I think I have a fear of being left behind.

Has anyone else felt similar, or have any thoughts/advice?

Can I ask, are you in your 30s? That was peak everyone's-having-babies time for me. Now I'm in my fifties, I don't really notice it, it's just younger colleagues at work, not people I socialise with.

In terms of being an outsider - it happens, the conversations at work that I'm suddenly shut out of because they're all comparing their children - I do feel a little lift whenever I find another childfree person of around my age!

They do say more people are choosing not to have children - at the moment about 1/5 of women end their childbearing years with no children (though stats don't break down whether this is by choice or circumstance). So I think it is getting better for us, slowly.

How old are you? I was just thinking today how there seem to be far more child free celebrities than there used to be, but that's probably confirmation bias as I am more like to follow child free celebrities on social media etc.

In any case, it's really not a fringe lifestyle to not have kids, so you shouldn't feel left out. I doubt Alexa Chung, Lana del Rey, Michelle Keegan etc. wallow in self pity about their child free status, so 'channel' them, as the youngsters say.

*more likely

I'm in my early to mid 30s yes.

Your 30s is baby-central I’m afraid - I’m nearly out of it now but it was bloody relentless, especially in the first half. My parents also decided to cut me out of their will this decade as my siblings all did the only they care about and had kids.

So I’m not going to lie, I’ve been through what you describe.

But honestly, everyone I know who’s become a parent has said that it’s so relentlessly difficult that only really wanting it has made it bearable. And I reckon that’s spot on.

Try and surround yourself with likeminded folk and it’ll get easier, I promise.

Oh OP - I’m mid thirties and am in a similar situation, although I have been trying to conceive for a long time but it hasn’t happened for me. My DH and I are the only ones in either of our friends groups to not have kids, our siblings also have kids. I’m afraid we have experienced what you describe- our parents no longer see us as much/ at all due to not having kids, I’ve been cut out of my parents will because of not having kids too. we’ve lost contact with most of our friends as they simply don’t stay in touch once they have kids (we have really tried to stay in touch, been adaptable and welcomed their kids into our lives but it’s not helped). I don’t really have any advice other than you’re not alone in your experience and it is rubbish. and it is hard to make new friends in your thirties.

Try to make friends with those on different life trajectories even if online to start. There's lots of them out there.

Are there really two different people on this thread who’ve been cut out of their parents’ wills because they don’t have children?! What on earth…? Surely you were in their will in the first place because you’re THEIR child, not as the potential mother of their grandchildren? I can’t get my head around this at all, but am so sorry.

You need childfree friends. There are groups online to meet likeminded people - some are specifically for people without kids (I know an Edinburgh-based friend joined one on Facebook called No Kidding) others might be geared more towards shared interests and hobbies. I’d also suggest looking on Eventbrite and Instagram and searching keywords related to your local area or check the event listings of local pubs and cafes as meet-ups are sometimes held there.

You might have to head into your nearest town or city to find them if you live more rurally but I guarantee there are other women without kids (whether through choice or otherwise) who feel the same and would love more people in their life in a similar situation. Or, if you’re feeling brave and have the means, why not do something adventurous with life? I know it’s a bit of a childfree cliche and requires a level of privilege so please ignore me if this isn’t applicable to your circumstances but could you move somewhere you’ve always liked? Do some extended travel? Take up a new sport or hobby that takes you out of the house?

My parents inherited a lot of wealth and want the money to stay in the family, to ensure that the younger generations get all the necessary legs up. They were not prepared to give me money and have me spend it on myself rather than on my siblings' kids. They also had a habit of making lifetime gifts of big sums of money, but only to my siblings and only once they were parents.

I don't think this is really uncommon in wealthy families. There was a thread on MN not long ago about people not being in their parents' wills because they were childless, or wills being split unequally because they were childless. Many posters agreed with the principle, because of the perception that the kids need the money more.

I don't speak to my parents now (not because of this, though this was the final straw as I'm actually infertile, to boot, so it felt like a pretty cruel punishment).

@Livingonbananabread @fitzwilliamdarcy

My parents gifted my siblings a cash sum when they got married (as well as paid for the weddings) and another cash sum when they respectively had a baby. I would have thought that this is quite common. Funnily enough I don't begrudge them, as I am very happy with my life and I know how expensive kids can be!

I don't speak to my parents now (not because of this, though this was the final straw as I'm actually infertile, to boot, so it felt like a pretty cruel punishment).

Just read this @fitzwilliamdarcy that's appalling.

We haven't discussed wills yet in my family but I wouldn't be surprised if I am treated the same.

Wow. I come from a pretty privileged background, but am really shocked by that. My parents paid for my wedding, and both they and my in-laws contributed to our deposit on our first home, but my sister who’s not married got the same (and my parents agonised over whether they should be giving her more as my other sibling and I had also had help from in laws, though she now has a partner so it’s evening out!). We’re been incredibly lucky to have a lot of financial help, but none of it’s been tied to whether or not we had children.

Wow. The parents cutting you out of wills are callous in the extreme, it’s just cuntish behaviour. My parents had many faults even veering into the the abusive at times but one thing they’ve always instilled in me is to follow my own path. My mum is in full agreement with my childfree stance and has been since my teens, she often says it’s the right choice for me because she thinks I’d hate parenting! I’m always shocked by how much guilt, obligation and disapproval other people’s parents put on them. Maybe it is a wealthy/middle class thing, my parents are working class and poor AF

So sorry you're going through this OP. I'm 60 now and so the issue for me is more that a lot of my contemporaries are having grandchildren. Sometimes this can be a bit tough.

BUT in my forties I joined an organisation for women who are childless not by choice, and led a local group. The group is still going, albeit we're no longer affiliated to the national organisation, and it remains the most incredible source of friendship, support and solidarity for me. It provides a buffer against feelings of exclusion and is a safe place where we know the topic of children is not going to suddenly come up.

I really hope you can find something like this in your life OP.

I guess for some parents their love is conditional on their children living the life they approve of, no matter how cruel that is, and that can be for factors other than if they have kids or not too.

for me, it’s the rejection from them that hurts - that they are less interested in my life or don’t want to be a part of it because I don’t have kids. And that adds to the loneliness when you are in your thirties and your whole cohort of friends/ colleagues/ cousins/ siblings are all having kids and you don’t see or hear from them anymore either (which I know isn’t personal - they’ve had a huge, brilliant life change - but it doesn’t help).

i do agree that childfree/ childless folk need to keep putting themselves out there to make new friends and support systems- but it does feel a bit exhausting at times especially when you keep trying to make friends and it doesn’t work out - but there has been some lovely advice on other threads on this board!

My friend (childfree by choice) was disowned by her parents, they told her not to contact them again unless it was to introduce them to a grandchild.

She called me once when I was at work, crying because she saw her ‘mum’ in a shop and her mum ignored her so I was comforting her and said I’d go to hers after work to chat properly. When I got off the phone a colleague (childfree by choice) asked if my friend had been cut off by her mum, I explained what happened and she said the same thing happened to her. Her parents told her they ‘don’t need’ her and she wasn’t welcome in the family anymore.

I introduced the two so they could help each other and made sure to tell my parents how grateful I am that they have always been fine with my choice to be childfree. I have had some strangers/acquaintances/colleagues/‘friends’ be nasty to me about my choice but never my family and I know how lucky I am when I hear/read some childfree by choice/childfree by circumstance/childless peoples family experiences.

@Answerstoround3 There's a special place in hell reserved for people like that. They had no business ever being parents. Just dreadful.