What questions to ask yourself?

[Faraway1]

I'm currently child free by choice and in a relationship of 9 years with a partner who's made it very clear from the beginning he didn't want kids. I've never longed for kids or felt maternal but I've always been good with them and do like them. I am now approaching 33 and it feels like every single person I know has recently had a baby or is announcing their pregnancy. I can't figure out if I'm just feeling societal pressure and also lonely from being in a different life stage to friends, or sad that I'm missing out. What questions did you ask yourself to become comfortable with your decision? On one hand, I worry that I am choosing to be child free for my partner and may regret it but on the other I worry I just feel I may be missing out due to all of my friends having kids. I wouldn't want to have a baby for the wrong reasons but also don't want to regret not having that experience if it's what I want deep down .

How do you picture your life in 10 years time OP? What comes to mind when you think of a child free future?

I think that if you've been with your partner since you were 24, that's very young to know you don't want children.

I think when going through life, both average days and special days, check in with yourself ‘would the existence of a child make this [activity/situation/day] better?’.

I dithered about this for years and it took up a lot of my energy. My DH didn't really want DC so it was difficult, if I was having a more broody phase.

I got to 40 and thought that's enough of dithering. It's up to you in the end but it might not be easy as there's no halfway house.

Sorry, I can’t really help as I’ve known since I was a child I don’t want children and never wondered what if or had to ask myself any questions but from an outsiders perspective I would think one thing you need to consider is what if you were pregnant right now. So you miss your next period. You take a test and you’re accidentally pregnant. How would you feel? What would you?

I think you have to be still with yourself and shut out all the noise including what your partner wants.

Really think about it, reflect and meditate on it. Give yourself time to listen to what you really want. You're fine at your age to leave and find someone else if that's what you want.

I agree with this as well. Forget what your partner wants and concentrate on you. Never, ever have a child or an abortion you don’t want just because your partner wants it, and that extends to not having a child at all because it’s what your partner wants. At any time your partner could change their mind or leave you etc.

You have to consider the things you really don’t want to eg you and your partner turn 48 and he decides actually he wants kids and leaves you to have them, of course you’ll be sad to lose the relationship but ignoring that, when you get over that would you be glad or sad that you didn’t have children? If you had an accidental pregnancy and wanted to keep the baby and your partner left you would you be glad you’d kept the baby and lost your partner or not? If your partner said to you tomorrow he changed his mind and wants children how would you feel?

The thing is you can’t ever know, you have to have, or not have children based on what you think, so that must be so difficult but please put yourself first in your considerations.

I think part of it is that I came from a single parent household and although had as good an upbringing as I could have, and love my mother so so much, I just am absolutely against that for my own child. So being with my partner who doesn't want to be a father made it easy as in we are obviously not having kids. Coupled with a really traumatic incident as a teen related to a family father figure and it's just made me reluctant to believe there is anyone out there I'd ever want to have a child with, if that makes sense (sorry for the drip feed here). So I think part of me wants kids but really don't believe I could find someone who would be the father I wanted. It's such a complex issue isn't it.

Thanks for this. These are really good questions as I think I'd feel resentment for him changing his mind when I gave up my chance to have kids, and also know that if I fell pregnant that I'd end things before I had an abortion so maybe that is the answer I need

I think it’s something you need to keep thinking about then as you don’t seem sure you’re childfree.

In an ideal world no woman would have a child she didn’t want, go without children she did want, or have an abortion she didn’t want, just for her partner. And if someone is going to do one of those things they need to think about all the scenarios that could arise from that. So I’m really not trying to upset you but it isn’t unheard of for a man to not want children and reach 45+ and leave his wife to have them with someone else, it’s also not unheard of for a man to promise the world of his female partner has an abortion and then leaves her after she has and it’s not u heard of for men to be desperate for a child/another child, a woman has that child and the man is useless or leaves her. So you really need to discover what YOU want and try and make it happen. I know it’s easier said than done but I really hope you can make the right decision for you and you’re either happily childfree or a happy mother.

I think that if you've been with your partner since you were 24, that's very young to know you don't want children.

It's not for everyone. I knew since ever I do not want children.

I do however agree with everyone on not doing things because your partner wants/doesn't want them. It's up to you 100%, what you want. If you want kids, have them though it might have tp be with someone else. If you don't, don't.

We actually just discussed this with DH. We agreed that as everyone around us generally has kids we do sometimes feel like we might be missing out especially when we meet the ones with lovely, happy kids. People did finally stop saying we should have some as well. We did feel under pressure sometimes a bit to fit in. But that's not a good reason to have kids.

It is hard to distinguish between "I want a child" and "i should have a child" sometimes so I get what you are asking. For us the thoughts of children were general the latter. So a no.

At the end of the day, we are happy with our choice. We are free to move countries (as we did and are planning move again), don't have to worry about schools etc, can move anywhere. Can go on holidays last minute etc. Freedom is most important for us. We don't even have pets anymore because of the constraints.

You just have to find what you want for you, not what everyone around wants for you.

I agree with the idea of imagining all the possible futures and seeing which outcomes you would want and prefer. I am you further down the line. I'm 45, was with my partner from the age of 25, and we divorced last year. When we were together being child free was a choice and one that seemed to reflect both our preferences (as in, it wasn't that he insisted he would never have kids but together our life just didn't seem right for them and it never happened). Post divorce I can see that I put the relationship above my own preferences and with a different partner I would have made different choices. I have made my peace with it, kind of, and I try to appreciate the advantages of child free living. But if I could live my life with the benefit of hindsight I would have done what posters here are encouraging you to do - really figure out who I was and what I wanted independently of that relationship. In my 30s I felt so settled in that marriage, we had been together a long time and I couldn't imagine separating. Now that I've had to deal with that in my mid40s, I wish it had happened sooner and when I still had the option of having a family with someone else. Not that your choices will be the same as mine but it's an outcome to be aware of.

My POV is that you have to actively want to have children, as PP says think the rest of your life will on balance be enhanced by having them.

The on balance thing is important, there is a lot of work and sacrifice to be done as part of child rearing on the input side and a lot of risk on how they will turn out, after all your investment.

FWIW, I never actively wanted children, unlike my DSis. I naturally gravitated towards friends who also didn't plan on having children. Those who did naturally dropped out of our orbit at least for a while when everything needed to be child centred.

Met DH2B in my early thirties, much older, already had kids. Asked him how he felt about it, he said he didn't actively want more but would love any that I wanted to have.

That was enough to settle me knowing I didn't want them. I don't know how I would have felt about him if he didn't want more DC.

The question to ask your self is whether you have FOMO or an active desire for children, however they turn out. All the best

Try to picture how your daily life would change if you had a child and consider whether that change would be for the better. If you are doing X thing at any given moment, think about whether you'd still be able to do it with a baby/toddler/child in tow.

Think about how you would cope if your child had a disability or serious chronic illness.

Imagine if your next period was a week late and you had to take a test, what does your gut tell you that you would want the test to show? Would you be desperately hoping for a negative or would part of you be hoping to see two lines and have the decision taken out of your hands?

I always thought I probably wanted kids. Though in my early 20s I wanted to be more career focused. Then I realised I just pictured my life with at least one. For example I imagined eventually doing day trips with the kids, teaching then stiff, reading stories etc. Though no one would have said I'm maternal, I think I'm a fairly good mum and I'm really happy with my kids and that I chose this path.

If I wasn't sure I think I'd do this. Close your eyes and imagine you enter a world where you have a kid. Visualise it, what do you do, how is it.

Secondly imagine the same without a kid. Really take time like a meditation.

Which one gives you more sense of purpose... ie do you feel more fulfilled with a child in your life, or without a child (but more time for something else)?

Will the child be glad to have been brought into the world? Is there a more ethical way of meeting my needs/desires? (Eg. adopting, fostering, choosing to rescue animals instead?)

I've never felt broody once in my entire life.
Even the day before my first child was born I wondered if I would love it (he was born next day and I doted on him)... Not everyone who has a kid has that broody wants babies thing.

I have two children who I love and I'm a dedicated engaged mum, doing a good job.

The reason I had kids was because I could picture myself older having older kids, teaching them all about life and the world... and later adult children visiting me... It was never babies I wanted, it was a long-term family I could picture.

The whole experience has been really interesting and my kids have a brilliant sense of humour which was one of my main parenting goals, and they are kind decent people, also a goal.

The older they get the more I enjoy spending time with them, but I really devoted myself to them from day one to get the bond and the connection and give them the values you need to have that... It's a long game.

Wow, none of the other comments even consider the feelings of the child. 😬 That's surprising to me on a childfree thread! I expect that of breeders... 😅

I think it's ok to stay on the fence too.
If you never get off the fence and remain child free that is also a decision.

I think either path can be fulfilling or fraught with pitfalls, cos that's life... ultimately with kids or without, make the best of what you've got and you won't regret much.

We are childfree (well some of us are) but we aren’t psychic. How could we possibly know the feelings of the ops potential child!

I think this would be good for the op to consider. To me having an adult family would be awful, having a baby actually sounds much better than adult children to me! So if she can imagine having a grown up family and feels like you, or doesn’t, that’s a large chunk of her life considered. I think it would help her come to a decision alongside the other things suggested here because I often see people talk about babies but not adult children. Definitely consider every stage op.

Hey OP, i’m basically the same age and similarly all my uni mates are having kids (funnily its all my male friends, my female friends are not!) but i’m happily childfree. You might want to check out the Fencesitter subreddit on Reddit which is a supportive place for folk who are uncertain, they recommend a book called ‘The Baby Decision’ which is mainly aimed at couples but may help you as it sets out some exercises like this.

any uncertainties i had were quite swiftly dealt with by a positive test last year, so the question of “how do you think you’d feel seeing a positive pregnancy test” is a good one! Obviously it’s not at all ideal when it happens but as someone who was 95% sure i didnt want kids it gave me that extra 5% i needed. DH has now had a vasectomy.

i would also think about what you want to do over the next 20 years or so, and can you imagine a child growing with you as you do them? So if you dream to do anything particular - a holiday, to learn something new, to progress in your career to a particular point. Would a child be easy to fit into those dreams, and seem like they enhance your life overall? What if you were on your own?

you mention your partner who seems very firm in his decision. If he was more ambivalent - a fencesitter, say - how would you feel?

Some people find it silly to suggest a pet - they are of course not comparable to a child but you do have to care for them and consider their needs. Having a cat who is pretty low effort was plenty for me to realise anything more intensive needs wise would make me feel resentful.

There are no easy paths but I hope you find this helpful 😊

Thanks these responses have been really helpful and I have been thinking a lot the past few weeks. I think I've been leaning more towards it actually being the societal pressure to have kids that's making me doubt things as I do quite like my life the way it is. I have a job that is probably not the best for having kids as in expected to be free 24/7 for X periods of the year and it would be a really struggle to get school holidays off so that's definitely something to consider.

The point about adult children is interesting as I think that's actually more of a driving point for me of why I'd want to have kids. But I do love having freedom and independence. We have a dog already but I know that's just not the same thing at all as I can go away with friends etc and not have to worry but I couldn't do that with a baby... Lots to think about!

One above asks how a child in your situation would feel being brought into the world.

Also how are we to know what a kid we don't have would think of a situation that can change? Our lives or not static - I worked overtime regularly before having kids - I completely changed my working hours. Also a lot of that I think is in how you treat them. And people who want kids usually intend to treat them well.

Of course some people would say there situation isn't suitable for kids (and they can't or won't change it) - that in of itself is evidence they considered the child.