Are you CF / CL and divorced?

[CleanShirt]

I've posted under various usernames about my unexpected divorce. I am CFBC and 40 this year.

I've just had a mortgage approval on a flat and will be living alone for the first time in my adult life (currently at a friends while "our" house sells). I've always been in house shares, lived with friends / a few boyfriends and of course STBXH.

While I've been seeking out any source of support and knowledge I can find about divorcing and living alone, I find a lot of the advice is geared towards women with children. This is almost making me feel even more alone as I have literally nobody and no distractions (except my lovely cat).

If you don't have children and went through divorce, how did you deal with being so alone? I have wonderful friends but they all have busy lives and my family are 300 miles away - a lot of realisations are dawning on me right now!

Divorced for years, have always been utterly content in my own company, so living alone post-divorce wasn't an issue. Things came up and I muddled through one way or another (and this was pre-internet, so nowhere like MN to turn for advice AND DM decided to upsticks to Australia soon after ex and I split so no help there).

Have a look on here for threads about single people - there are lots of positive posts.

Me, but I don't know how much help I'll be because I love being alone. The first night I had my bed to myself, I was giddy.

If you don't want to live alone have you thought about a lodger or house share? Or is your new place a one bed?

I am finding as I get older, it takes much more concious effort to maintain friendships. You drop the ball and before you know it, you haven't spoken to someone in six months. My main group try to do a payday dinner once a month - could you suggest something like that?

Oh and also - more cats! I have four so there's always one up for a cuddle.

@LordSnot it's a one bed and - despite being frightened of living alone for the first time - I absolutely do not want to share my space! It's a real juxtaposition 😂

Another cat is definitely on the cards - stbx took his girl cat with him and my boy cat has been ever so sad since (plus not enjoying his temporary home).

I've never been comfortable with my own company for as long as I can remember, I know it's a learning curve.

I think it depends a lot on how far down the process you are. I'd been living in the marital home for two years (excluding his brief forays back when it wasn't working out with OW and his spasms of 'let's make it work' 🙄) so I'd had time to adjust to living alone. If you're still a bit raw then this is a good time to work out who you are and what you want from your life - another relationship? FWB? what sort of social circle you want and what nourishes you?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain It's been like the speed of light. Left a few days into Jan and had divorce application mid Feb. Had draft contracts through last week so house sale is also going really fast (I couldn't afford to buy him out or do the mortgage on my own, plus being in "our" house was quite triggering).

Right now I don't care if I never see another man again! I will be south London's leader of the 4B movement 😂

I was in the house on my own from early Jan until 3 weeks ago and did get into somewhat of a routine. In my new place I'll be closer to friends and slightly less isolated.

Figuring out who I am and what I want is quite baffling right now.

I'd guess that right now you're still quivering gently from the after effects of the storm, then 😉Maybe just don't have any deep thoughts right now, just get settled in your new home and your new area.

You're probably right... my brain has been 6 steps ahead of everything lately!

I'm single by choice, CFBC and live with my cat (it's his flat really). I love it. I read, watch films, play the piano, zone out to music. I do everything on my own schedule, go to bed when I want, don't have to change the sheets very often, don't have to watch stuff I'm not interested in on the TV, don't have to consult anybody if I want to change the decor, no one to please but my cat, don't need to be 'on' so can properly relax... so many plus points.

I remember when I broke up with my first serious bf and was living alone for the first time. I was really scared, so I get it. But as time passes you'll grow to love it I'm sure. In the beginning you can distract yourself with making the place look lovely, putting your stamp on it and making it feel like home. Will you have some outside space? Throw yourself into gardening/DIY.

I'm going to book a singles holiday! Eek!

Wow op good for you.

You will be a new women in 12 months.

Can you maybe try a few new hobbies?

Going the pub alone for a book was a topic on here not long ago. I do it now and again because I don't mind sitting in my own as I'm usually too engrossed in my book.

I do a lot of walking on my own with my dogs and an audio book. I really enjoy a walk and a listen to a book dogs or not.

Can you be arsed going the gym? To classes maybe?

I would start painting or something creative. Probably do a cookery course or two.

But basically you can do whatever you want you can be totally selfish for yourself.

What do you want to do? A holiday though, that sounds amazing. You might decide to travel a bit who knows. I feel really excited for you op.

Are you confident sorting out all the practical stuff like best deals for internet etc, single person council tax etc etc.

Thank you so much!

I actually had a look at some meetup groups in the area I'm moving to and have joined a couple that look good. I'm also going to join a choir, something I've always wanted to do but stbx would slag me for it.

Can't actually do any of this stuff til my move date is sorted but it feels good to focus on the positives (although the rollercoaster is real).

Yes, I was always the one who sorted bills, internet etc so very used to it. One thing I will need to find though is a good handyman.