If you couldn’t have biological children

[KimberleyClark]

But chose not to explore other avenues such as adoption, surrogacy or donor gametes, does that mean you are childfree by choice? This is my situation. I think of myself as childfree by choice these days. What do other childless/childfree posters think?

To me childfree by choice means no children, however you acquire them (acquire's probably the wrong word here, but I couldn't think of another one. Achieve? obtain?)

If I don't want children I don't want children. For me that would include stepchildren as well.

I think there cannot be one rule or one definition here - it’s too personal and individual, it’s not set in stone.

If you think of yourself as childfree by choice then that’s up to you! I am in a similar situation and I don’t think of myself that way, and that’s fine - you’re not a threat to me or vice versa. Personally what I would have an issue with is anyone insisting there is one definitive rule that fits us all. I have seen people post things on other threads saying ‘but why are you telling us not to mention adoption, surely if you want kids you would explore every option’ (when of course the issue is those fuckwits mentioning adoption as if we’ve never heard of it and are just waiting for them to helpfully suggest it or bark questions about it) and I suppose those people would say I’m in my situation by choice but it’s not that simple. Choice is a spectrum. It’s not one simple thing - you have a choice or you don’t, you try every option or you’re voluntarily childless. It’s just not that simple.

My body cannot make children. I didn’t choose that. I wish I had children. I do not, therefore, consider that I have the same identity as someone who just doesn’t want them.

The fertility clinic said donor eggs were our only option. We can’t afford that, and don’t want to. I have huge ideological issues with surrogacy. And as for adoption, a) there are reasons why we would be refused and b) I’m an expert in trauma and understand what’s involved in adoption and I do not think we are up to the job. I am not interested in debating this with any posters who can’t resist chipping in about it.

I didn’t plan or want a life without children. If someone wants to tell me I’ve chosen it anyway because I’m not exploring every avenue however unsuitable, well, I’ll have to disagree. But it’s fine if you find it helpful to identify with that label.

I am childfree by choice, I could have biological children, step children, surrogate children, foster or adopt children but I choose not to. Your situation is different than mine but you’re still childfree I think because while you can’t have biological children, it sounds like you could have IVF/surrogate children, you could try adoption it you’re choosing not to. However if you felt more comfortable saying childless I would argue with you. It’s whatever you feel most comfortable with and whatever you feel describes your situation best that matters.

I suppose the answer hinges on whether you see the absence of biological children in your life as something missing. I don't mean whether you might have wanted biological children for a time (say) 20 years ago, but if you could magically now be in state where you had had them, would you choose this?

I personally don't think it necessarily means you're CF by choice, because part of that choice was taken away from you biologically. If someone then decides they would have made that choice anyway, then they would probably identify as CF by choice. But ultimately I don't think it matters - it's just a label.

And already people are implying these are easy choices.

OP, I’m bowing out of this thread now as I can tell it’s going to aggravate me. All the best to you.

If you've tried to have biological children naturally (i.e. without fertility treatment) but were unable to then no, you are not childfree by choice.

Op I think it’s much more nuanced than that. We are childfree because of me biologically speaking. Could we have done ivf or other medical interventions such as surrogacy - no, my mental health wouldn’t have survived it, and we didn’t have the finances. Dh isn’t an advocate of surrogacy. Step children aren’t ‘available?’. Adoption wouldn’t have been an avenue open to us due to previous mental health. Fostering wasn’t an option either for a lot of reasons we wouldn’t have been accepted back then.

Sometimes other options just aren’t available even if you wanted to try them. So I think it’s probably best to just leave it as childfree…. And not add on ‘by choice’. Choice is sometimes taken out of the equation by health, finances, rules and legislation.

If you'd have had them if you could do so naturally, ot having them is not child free by choice imo.

I didn’t say they were easy choices. The OP said they were choices she had decided not to explore and I said as she had chosen not to explore those options then if she felt more comfortable calling herself childfree rather than childless then I would respect that choice and class her as childfree despite her circumstances being different than mine. None of them are easy choices and I completely understand why op has chosen not to explore them and I don’t like having those words put in my mouth when I said nothing of the sort.

IMO, if you have tried to have children naturally and you are unable to (for whatever reason) and have decided not to explore other options, then you are not childfree by choice as such, but due to unforseen circumstances.

I’m curious as to what having or not having had fertility treatment has to do with it. I have had IVF as it happens!

I think use whatever you feel like, but I personally prefer just childfree- we are all living childfree lives and have to deal with the ups/ downs/ positives/ uncertainties etc. I feel having the ‘by choice’ or ‘not by choice’ suffixes possibly divides us- and as a lot of us feel isolated/ don’t have friends who relate to us etc already I don’t know if it’s helpful to further label us into two camps.
with regards to ivf/ surrogacy/ adoption - I worry that it is perceived that you haven’t tried hard enough to have a child if you choose not to go down these routes. Of course the error is in the people who make those judgements- they often have no idea what it’s like to not have the child you desperately want.

I think PP just meant that, in her opinion, if you tried and couldn't, it wasn't really a choice. I imagine having had fertility treatment that didn't work means it was even less of a choice. Sorry, I don't meant to be insensitive, and I understand you've now come round to identifying as CF by choice, and I'm pleased for you

Edit - not sure 'pleased' is the right word - I'm glad you're happy how things worked out, is what I mean

I would not say you are child free by choice, you haven’t chosen not to have children.