Guilt about my parents

[ManchesterBea]

Hello,

I wonder if anyone can help, I'm approaching my mid 40s, and I'm happy childfree by choice, I've experienced a few pangs over the last few months, but mainly about a road less often travelled, and feeling like I've somehow fallen off the normal track. But nothing that makes me actually want children!

One thing I am really struggling with this massive amount of guilt that I've not been able to give my parents grandchildren, even though they have never even mentioned it. I just feel like I'm denying them that experience, and I'm somehow undermining the fact that they had children, and I just haven't done that. It's almost like I feel selfish, but also like a complete waste of space.

It's really strange, and I'm sure it's not rational, does anyone experience this?

TL; DR? You can’t live your life according to what someone else regards as normal

100% this. There will always be people telling you that whatever you're doing or being, you're either doing/being it wrong or you shouldn't (note that word should, these people use it a LOT) be doing/being it anyway.

Please yourself. At least the most important person in your life will be happy.

I had quite a deep conversation about this with my own parents recently. We are all very close and loving, and I had a very happy and supportive childhood. There’s no doubt they would have been great grandparents.

Neither I nor DBro have children, and are now in our fifties. Parents are very happy that we both have very happy, fulfilled lives and are able to enjoy the life they gave us. They had us because they wanted us, and have wanted us to have the best lives we could have, because we never asked to be born. They are very relieved that neither of us are having to help children find a way to live well and happily in the world we live in now, recognising how much more difficult it is for young people to find their place in the world than when we were children, and to negotiate modern living, with the pressures on mental health, housing, climate change etc etc.

I think if you want to try to feel better about it, try to reframe in the way you’ve been very well advised here, but also consider actually talking to them. You might be very surprised and relieved.

I really just wanted to come back on here, and thank you all so much again.

Sometimes it definitely does feel like a problem shared as a problem, halved, and speaking to everybody about their own real life Experience of being childfree has been remarkable for my headset.

I will be speaking to my parents, but I also feel so much happier in myself.

I just wanted to say thank you so very much. X

Wow TygerPassant you have just articulated my family's position and attitudes completely, which is something I've long struggled to do. Both my parents and, even more so, my ILs, are all about conforming as an achievement and do not recognise my academic, career and other achievements at all - they are just more evidence of me being "different" or, more likely in their eyes "obstinate". Huge yes to the aspirations of bingo and weightwatchers! All of this is fine if it is what an individual wants to do with their life but it's never been my aspiration.

My mum has come to terms with me being childfree and is ok with it now. Dad makes comments from time to time. The ILs will never get over it though and recently have been bringing it up more than ever (I'm 46 - very little point in trying to persuade me now!). They are NC with DH's brother and family and I guess their coping mechanism is to push the blame towards the obvious target and harp on about how it's all my fault that I didn't give them grandchildren, leaving them alone without a relationship with the ones they do have.

@TygerPassant I too can relate to your post. I'm also from a catholic family and my mothers ambition for us girls were to marry an office worker and for the boys to be office workers. Office workers were as aspirational as she got.

My younger siblings mostly followed that path and all had kids. They were the ones she was proud of, even those my younger sisters never really worked for a living. My brother got the requisite office job and has duly reproduced.

My other sister and I went the wrong way according to her. We both did well at school and went to university and are now a doctor and a lawyer. But she never got over the fact that neither of us had children and so we were failures to her. Even in her last days she would describe or introduce the younger ones according to how many children they had and say how proud she was of them. My sister and I were ignored or dismissed. She once introduced me as this is dali. She doesn't like children.

I felt a lot of guilt towards my in-laws when we were going through infertility. DH sister had eating disorder as a teenager that has sadly taken her fertility so DH felt a lot of pressure for them to be grandparents from us which as discussed here is irrational. I know it was mostly in my head as they never said as much but you could sense it as the years went on. My MIL is one of 4 but only one of her siblings has grandchildren so there’s hardly any in the wider family and those ones are significantly older now. We were very fortunate to finally have children after nearly ten years trying in the end but that feeling of guilt was so real. Never felt it towards my own parents as my DB had one before us.

I felt guilty towards my ILs because DH is adopted and she never had any other children (no, women who adopt, contrary to popular belief,don’t always go on to get pregnant). Must have been a bit of a double whammy for her though she personally never made me feel guilty.

My own mother was never that interested in grandchildren and certainly didn’t make me feel guilty about it. She did eventually become a grandmother via my brother but she was in her mid 80s by then and already suffering from dementia so couldn’t really make the most of it. When my nephew was born an old family friend gave her a card on which she’d written “welcome to the best club in the world”. Which felt like a bit of a gut punch tbh. She did know about my situation.

Just thought I’d add another voice to this choir!

39, no kids. Have a career in a charity, home, rescue dog, am a qualified scuba diver, I’m well educated etc .. generally I’m contributing to the world in a positive way.

But, no kids. My dad is fine with that, which I’m fine with even though he’s great with kids and that makes me sad. Mum, isn’t so fine and that absolutely is driving a wedge in our relationship. So inevitability I feel deep guilt etc etc….

It’s generally rubbish….. is it a good enough reason to ‘pop one out’, fertility allowing….. probably not!

I feel some guilt as well, irrational as that is.

I sometimes feel like this too, but then my mother occasionally throws in a comment about how she doesn't really like babies and my Dad clearly isn't keen on the noise that children make! He'll often comment when he's been around my DH's nephews about how noisy they were.

So, although I shouldn't feel guilty, I do often wonder whether they're missing out, especially as I'm an only child myself, so they won't have an opportunity to grandparent.

It's interesting reading you refer to your concerns about being childfree being due to "falling off the normal track" - this is exactly how I feel too!

Nothing that makes me regret my decision though.