Question for those childless through fertility issues

[KimberleyClark]

Do you think there is generally more sympathy for those who’ve been through infertility but eventually had a baby, as opposed to those who never did? It does feel like that to me sometimes. Interested to hear other perspectives.

Hmm, maybe slightly less judgment, not still plenty of "have you considered adopting?" as though you can pop to Tesco and pick up a baby / toddler / teenager off the shelf.

We chose not to do IVF or other fertility treatments which gets lots of raised eyebrows.

Our chances were below 10% and the final decision was mine as my fertility was not the issue yet it was me who would have to go through all the intrusive medical stuff. We also couldn't decide how best to proceed with donor sperm which would have made it a lot easier and less expensive, so didn't want to try that either.

People are just wankers whatever your life choices or medical situation!

Childless through infertility here. Donor egg IVF was our only option - not sure we would have gone for that even if we could have afforded it, which we couldn’t.

I don’t really know as I can’t compare. But I am so sick of people suggesting adoption as if I wouldn’t be aware of it, or outright asking if we would / why we wouldn’t / generally being intrusive.

I think there is more sympathy when people do eventually get the baby.

I don’t think people who’ve not experienced infertility can ever understand what it’s like.

I agree with you. The problem is, they often think they do understand.

I found that people didn’t understand at all even those who had previously been through infertility - looking at you MIL (who had been through infertility) who told me I should just ‘be happy’ about it all, whilst in our third year of trying and failed fertility treatments…

transpired I had stage 4 Endo, adenomyosis, pcos - what a joke

so sorry for you - it’s a very hard road to follow, especially at this time of year I found, big love and solidarity xxxx

Yes. It felt very mi h like I was being told I hadn’t tried hard enough and given up at the first hurdle. Iyswim.

I don’t know if I’d call it more sympathy or empathy but I think once you’re in the “mum club” you get looked upon more favourably and are more welcomed than those outside it.

I think a lot of people (and probably especially parents) don’t know what to say to people who remain childless, so they give the whole thing a wide berth.

I think that's right. Perhaps because sometimes people don't realise you've struggled with infertility (not that it should matter) and so all the usual stereotypical comments about not having kids seem fair game.

I agree with PP that the "why don't you just adopt?" line is infuriating.

I think people who've had infertility and finally have had a baby tend to be more open about how many steps it took to get there.
For me, it was years of treatment. I do see people judge me a little for trying more treatment after I had my child, as in "god isn't it obvious you are infertile and you're bloody lucky to have had one"
I wouldn't recommend anyone who has been through infertility with or without final success to place any value on the opinions of people who haven't been through it. The amount of insensitive comments I've gotten over the years... well you guys know!

Totally agree - they really do think they understand and I really don’t think they ever can.

The downside to the availability of IVF and other forms of fertility treatment etc is that people who haven't been though it seem to imagine it as a sort of miracle cure that works for everyone. They hear of so many peoples IVF babies that they forget it doesn't go that way for everyone.

So them when you are one of the ones it doesn't work for you can get the "you haven't tried hard enough" reaction. When I gave up IVF after multiple rounds, partly for financial and partly for emotional reasons I got told that "if I wanted a baby enough I would keep trying" and I've had multiple people tell me I haven't tried hard enough. There does seem to be a general judgement that I just didn't want a baby enough to make one happen

After 9 years of infertility and 4 miscarriages, several fertility treatments I fell pregnant naturally with my little miracle who was born in April 23 two weeks before I turned 40. Having been at that point 15 years with my husband I heard so many comments asking when were we having babies and then after being open about our fertility issues why we weren't adopting etc I was pro adoption unfortunately my husband who has an older son was not so I had accepted that I was not going to be a mum but I had had a good go at being at stepmum. What I'm trying to say is that I agree with you all, people should keep their opinions to themselves also now that I had a baby people are pressuring me with the 'hurry up if you want a second' like if all the sudden I could get pregnant again (who knows) and also I don't want to, I'm happy and also petrified of another pregnancy (it was a time full of anxiety because of previous issues), another C-section or even worse 2 babies under 2!

I was out for a quiet drink with my partner and one couple stopped as they were leaving and asked what we were doing at Christmas followed by a question about kids followed by but would we have wanted to have kids. It was relentless. I had had some very upsetting news that day that my ovarian reserve was pretty much non existent so I needed a drink. Wish I’d stayed in. We are actually going to my partners parents. Next time I might just say we are going away to a remote place so we don’t have to encounter annoying people like them. Either that or tell them none of their business!

it is a very lonely place to be. I wish there were meet ups or somewhere for people struggling with it esp at this time of year, to get together.

I'm pretty new to this game, having only recently found out about the infertility, but I think people just don't know what to say and don't get it. When there's eventually a child people can identify with the position in life, whereas I don't think people can otherwise.

Yes I agree. If you say “we tried IVF but it didn’t work” there’s this assumption that you must have given up quite quickly. And it’s even worse when people say “oh my cousin/sister had IVF and got pregnant on her 7th attempt”!

Thank you all for your comments.

I completely understand- not having children when everyone around you does is super isolating and it’s so hard when only other people with fertility issues understand and those people are quite hard to find. Bonding with people that are trying to conceive at the same time as you has an expiry when they eventually get pregnant and you don’t, and suddenly they have new friends from mum groups etc that they have more in common with. The worst part is feeling left behind and being the odd one out with lots of people that don’t get it and say insensitive things, and don’t have the time or headspace with their new families to even try.

I am also new to this, battling to get my first fertility clinic appointment with NHS but having been told by a Bupa clinic that I have advanced endo with adhesions and cysts. Not really sure what the future holds as I’ve left it quite late anyway but really struggling to find anyone that understands, this thread and your post has helped a little to know there are others out there. Agree there should be a club, for all the hundreds of mum groups there are even one non mum group would be great!

I’m one of the people who was ultimately successful - and yes I do think that there was more acceptance that any of it had ever been hard for me once I’d actually had a baby. It was just unacknowledged/ unspoken/ just assumed it would work out ‘when I least expected it’ or whatever before. Or ‘oh well they’re not all they’re cracked up to be’ from people who had had multiple children. However, in my case I don’t think I spoke much about how I was struggling and I think I didn’t really acknowledge how hard I was finding it even to myself.

What has been quite hard has been the people asking if I’m having another one. When I point out that I was 40 by the time I had the first/ only and that it took years plus treatment I get told ‘oh but once you’ve had a baby you’re more fertile’ or ‘can’t you just go to Turkey or somewhere and get IVF’ was one memorable suggestion. I find it really painful honestly, but I do know how incredibly lucky we’ve been.

Theres a ‘women without children’ meet-up near me - I haven’t been yet for various reasons but just wanted to say it’s worth a look on Meetup.com for things like this.

Christ - I’m so sorry to anyone who bas ever been told “you didn’t try hard enough”. Deciding NOT to keep trying (particularly after loss/IVF not working) is such a hard choice - and a brave one.

I think generally there is a lack of knowledge and understanding of infertility and treatments unless you’ve been through it. There are so many reasons why a couple might be infertile and why certain treatments might not work for them, let alone the financial costs, mental health impacts and physical side effects of it all.

It does feel like if you choose to not have treatment for whatever reason that people think you didn’t want a baby that much as you haven’t tried hard enough, they don’t know the heartache that you’ve been through or at what cost further trying would be (and also low success rates for some). At the end of the day- if you had unsuccessful treatment, weren’t eligible for treatment or chose not to pursue treatment you’re in the same childless boat and been through considerable pain.

People can be very insensitive and thoughtless and when this is mixed with an entitlement to express opinions/ ask intrusive questions it only results in hurt for the childless person they are probing (unless the childless person is happy to share- but that should be when they feel like it not asked on the spot questions by (sometimes) strangers in the pub!).

I don't think it's a case of more sympathy, I think it's just that once you have a baby it feels OK for people to talk about how shit it must have all been for you. When you're in the midst of it, people don't always really know what to say, so often will stay quiet.