Always second fiddle

[Sorrynotsore]

Bit of a dramatic title but I wonder if anyone else feels like this.. (sorry it's long)

I have a sister and 2 nieces who I adore and see regularly. She's just separated from her husband. He was awful and at times abusive (emotionally and financially).

He's been a nightmare and very demanding through out their marriage. I've regularly felt my parents prioritise her, the kids and him. Even now they are separated I still feel he's calling the shots and she's trying so hard to make things ok for the kids she is kinda letting him.

What's caused me to post is I've supported her through the 2 years of separation and we are very close. But she and my mum want him to come to my parents for Christmas lunch as he'd be alone at Christmas. (fam out of the country) It will also mean they aren't splitting the day with the kids going to him for a bit of it. So I get it I do.

But I'm just having a bit of a what about me moment. And this really is the first time. Like why am I always last to be considered? So yeah it's easier for her and the kids and him. But what about the fact that if I go to my parents I have to have my Christmas with my sister's abusive husband. Or miss out on lunch with my family. My grandparent it old and I always worry it will be his last Christmas. I'm not sure how my parents overlook her husbands behaviour so easily either.

It's about this specific Christmas issue. But it's also about all the millions of concessions and compromises they make for the sibling with children. That juat are never considered for me. Does anyone else feel like this?

I don't have an amazing relationship with my parents and we are very different. I have anxiety and definitely felt very inconsidered growing up. So I'm definitely bringing all this to the table too.

I just feel like a bit of a breaking point in how much I give and never get back and I do feel my child free status comes into it.

Wow, I agree that your parents/sister are making a poor decision to include her abusive ex at Christmas. He’s going to be alone because he abused your sister, why on the earth would they feel sorry for him?!

I think your situation is based more on “who needs the most support” rather than your childfree status, tbh. We have the opposite in our family, DH’s childfree sister ( and her dogs) is prioritized over the grandchildren, because his parents feel that she needs more support. DH, who’s happily married with kids, doesn’t, so he gets ignored.

Would you feel comfortable sharing your reservations about including the abusive ex with your parents?

Thanks @Noideawhatisgoingon - it took me a long time and my parents' separation and me being jilted all in the three months just before Christmas one year to make me decide to get stubborn. Everyone else in the family made Christmas arrangements and none of them included me.

So I stopped expecting to be included, or for other people to make my fun & plans for me, and I promised myself I would never be out of control of my Christmas time again. That was 30 years ago, and it's worked out just fine! I mostly leave the country ...

My situation is similar, but my sis is still with my unpleasant, domineering BIL and her DC are uni age. I have accepted always coming last and not really enjoying family get togethers. At least in your case they have separated so in a few years you hopefully won't have to deal with him. How did it go?

I can empathise OP. I’m the only sibling without kids (DH too). We’re never thought of first by either sets of parents for plans/ events. We’ve never been invited for Xmas at in-laws as their house is full with his siblings and their kids. We were only invited to my parents this year as my sister wasn’t going with her family. It makes us feel second best and unwanted - we spent Christmas alone together instead. A big family scrapbook was also made by my siblings for my parents anniversary- my life was barely included nor were any photos of my DH or our wedding - yet there were lots of the grandchildren and siblings partners. It’s rubbish. I can understand that grandparents want to spend time with and support their adult children with kids and their GC, but I think they should at least prioritise childfree adult children sometimes too, and show them the same amount of love and interest and consider their needs.

Just got back from a family afternoon and need to offload.
Newish baby and parents there -the mum is lovely but is absolutely the golden child. MarrIed, has a one-year old, just been promoted etc.
Nobody spoke to me for the first hour despite knowing that I’ve had a recent cancer scare and my job is currently really challenging. Gran of the baby (my cousin) didn’t speak to me at all - I swear she didn’t take her eyes off the child. Even held its hand in the high chair when they were both eating. Really felt for the sisters of the golden child - it was like they weren’t in the room either. All everyone did was watch the child all afternoon, babbling to them, calling their name, clapping hands, etc - I felt completely overstimulated so goodness knows how the child will calm down.
Just feel exhausted, and sympathetic for the other two girls. And invisible.
I’m childless by circumstance and most of the time I’m ok, I’ve accepted that, but my family are absolute pros at making me feel that I’ve failed as a woman because I didn’t manage to have kids.

@Ladybirder and @PauliesWalnuts, your stories make me so sad and angry for you. It must be so hurtful.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow thank you for your message :) it does hurt. I think what I’m starting to learn from other childfree folks messages on here is that I need to make more childfree connections with folk that understand and prioritise qualities other than ability/ want to have children.

@PauliesWalnuts - that sounds like a rough family get together. Hope you feel a bit better this morning and have something nice planned for the day. Child rearing aside (and no offence to your family) , but isn’t it just plain rude to not speak to a family member or friend at an event and not take an interest in them? it would be hurtful for this to repeatedly happen for anyone.

It’s really difficult @Ladybirder as it’s not my nuclear family who died when I was in my early twenties, but more extended family who I see frequently. So I get the fact that they are all excited about a new baby, but yesterday was just awful. Nobody even wished me HNY or asked if I’d had a nice Christmas.

My partner of three years has noticed that two older family members (including the matriarch) have a habit of lovebombing me when we’re alone together, resulting in me mistakenly thinking that I’m probably more important to them than I actually am. At my recent big birthday he was really surprised that I’d asked him to buy me a birthday cake as they never had got me one (but rope me into making them for others as I’m the best cook). He also pointed out that it was my birthday for approximately five mins, before chat turned to the baby’s arrival and a family wedding a year later - meanwhile I’m cooking and washing up at my own birthday lunch.

I think it’s time for me to take a step back from family life a bit. It will be difficult as they are the only family I have, but necessary. When I look back at things like my own achievements, my family just don’t acknowledge them. I think due to the lack of other family (nuclear in my case) I’ve mentally made them more import in my life than I am in theirs, and I need to reset the balance a bit. The arrival of a new family member has made it really obvious that if you aren’t a mother you are a lesser being in my family, and it’s pretty toxic.

Awww @PauliesWalnuts . Im sorry- that sounds really hard. As you see them frequently it’s strange for them to treat you this way- it shouldn’t matter how closely related you are for them to care and show an interest if you are an active part of their lives. It sounds like you are a kind and caring person - I’m sorry this isn’t reciprocated. It’s poor form on their behalf not yours.
Taking a step back and time to reset sounds like a good idea. And if you do step back it doesn’t need to stay that way forever - relationships change over time so you could see what they are like after the novelty of the grandchild has worn off a bit (even though I respect that this is a wider issue which grandchild arrival has highlighted).

@PauliesWalnuts your partner is a keeper and your family are rubbish.