Thinking of old age…

[LunaTheCat]

I am late 50’s. Come from immigrant family - all my family live at the other side world! Married but no children. Only sibling died I know having children doesn’t mean a cushioned old age but I am starting to worry about what happens as I age… who will provide companionship and care for me? I have lovely lovely friends and am a surrogate auntie to several beautiful children and young people. Does anybody else worry ? Is there anything anybody does?

No I don't worry. I do save money, try to keep healthy, and try not to imagine worst case scenarios. None of us know what's ahead.

I know I will be reliant on the state to provide it. I do worry about being sick and dying alone. I have only one sick, elderly parent left in this country who is unlikely to be alive for many more years.

I’ve started going to the gym three times a week and signed up with a personal trainer so that I can hopefully stay strong & fit as long as possible.

Also focusing on maintaining friendships and my social life and as a pp said, saving money.

While I think it's sensible to make what provision you can - wills, POA, advance directive, taking care of yourself physically and mentally - I do think it's possible to worry too much and as you say, leap to worse case scenarios.

Yes. Also to spoil the life you’ve got by worrying too much about the life you’ll have in the future. There has to be a balance.

This is a huge worry of mine and I am only 36! My plan is to move to a retirement village pretty early (maybe by 60). I have been checking out what they offer, and I do think you can overcome the issues of not having children by living in such an environment. It is expensive though!

Also, I think building a strong community of friends is important.

There are some good books and resources available on this too. Try looking up 'Aging without children' and 'Solo aging'.

Not something we worry about. Take each day as it comes. The legal stuff is done and both of us have done the ‘in the event I die before you’, here’s a list of passwords/accounts/important stuff safely stashed away.
If we’ve only learned one things as we have gone through life it’s that they only person you can rely on is yourself. So that is what we will do until we drop dead. Adapt the house and habits as we get older.
My only real worry is what will happen to my cats if we both go before them. As in I hope someone finds them before it’s too late for them. Everything we have goes to who has the cats if they outlive us or to the cinnamon trust if they don’t.

Take each day as it comes is what I do. The legal stuff is done. Financial stuff fairly straightforward. Don’t dwell on the later years.

I'm hoping there's a commune for old ladies providing companionship, health and welfare professionals and a housekeeper/ gardener .

But yes in reality it is something I worry about . All my friends have families and I don't .

@hattie43 I think that's essentially a retirement village? I am scared too as I have no family. However maybe have a look online at retirement villages as it might help put your mind at rest a little.

I am in a retirement village with a good support program, so I'm not worried x as long as I have the money to stay here, which does worry me.

I do think about it from time to time, but don't actually worry - I'm 64 and don't see the point in wasting what should be a good time of early retirement by worrying about something in the future. My DF only died this year so I guess I have a few years up my sleeve before I consider myself "old".

Retirement villages where I live are only for people who can afford to buy, so that's not an option for me. I rent, so that could be an issue.

Like @Alphabet1spaghetti2 I'm more worried about my cat.

Other than my husband I have one relative who is 96. I am 67 and my only worry about ageing is that I continue to age. If I had family I would not want them to have to take care of me as I age. I do have close friends but must admit to being a bit of a loner - perhaps because I am an only one?

@Catsmere I would be really interested in hearing more about your retirement village experience if you would be happy to share? I think I would like to live in one myself when I am older, as I am an only child and am likely to have no family in old age.

What kind of support services are offered? And does it have different levels of care? So for example, if you needed more care, would staff identify that for you and help you access it?

Thank you.

@FiveShelties I am in a similar position to you, although I am only in my late 30s. You mention having close friends - would you mind sharing how you made these friendships please? I am really worried for my future and facing loneliness. I do have some friends (including some much older friends actually) but nobody who I am really close to, especially of my own age or younger. I am worried I have left it all too late, as I read a lot about it being hard to make friends as an adult.

Thank you, and wishing you lots of happy and healthy years ahead.

@Strawberriesandpears happy to share, there's just the caveat that I'm in Australia and have no idea how much of this would be applicable in Britain.

I'm in a rental village, which obviously caters for people who can't afford to buy (buying seems like madness to me, you buy the unit and still pay rent for the land in that type of village). The rent here includes one cooked meal a day and the water bills. There's no gas laid on so the only utilities you pay for are electricity, phone if you have a landline, and internet. Pets up to 10kg are allowed (I have two cats).

The company running this village has a community support section but tbh I don't know exactly what help they give apart from pep talks, lol. I haven't used their services as I found a personal care services company online and use the local rehabilitation services recommended by Mum's doctor. I think they're more about helping people find support services than actually providing them.

There aren't staff to identify extra needs in the villages - only the manager, cook and maintenance crew. The villages are pushed as "independent living" so it's not really in their remit to have that sort of closer attention. At the moment they can't even get a Sunday cook in my village, so the poor weekday bloke has to do all the Friday and weekend meals on Friday and get them into the fridge for people to collect! (Reason they can't find a cook is probably because they pay on the aged care award, which is a lower pay rate for cooks. 🙄)

Strawberriesandpears. I met my closest friends through work and a class gym. I moved from a bigger city to a smaller rural town and have made absolutely lovely friends who share same outlook life.
I also try to have friends from several generations… my oldest is in her 80’s and the youngest is 10.
As a younger person (20s and early 30’s) I was hugely lonely … to the extent I would often cry myself to sleep. I grew more confident in my mid 30’s… having treatment for my lifelong severe depression helped… citalopram I love you!

@Strawberriesandpears I think I have close friends because we emigrated! We came to NZ and did not know anyone, other than my husband has some family who are around 4 hours drive away.

Not knowing anyone made us go to all sorts of events just to meet people. We chatted to anyone and everyone, accepted every invitation and invited people around for drinks, meals etc. I would never ever have done this in the UK as it would have been too far outside my comfort zone. We have met some really great people and have good friends here now. We are lucky because we have friends who are neighbours, friends from three different social groups which means there are aways new people to meet.

I would see it has been tough, as I am not a natural host - very good at pouring wine but not a brilliant cook! The thought of not knowing anyone forced me into being proactive about meeting people and I have developed the skill of not taking myself too seriously.

I wish you all the very best for the future, and hope you meet some lovely people 💐

I worry about being an older person and being alone. I'm fine now but I do worry about what would happen to me if i get ill as there is no one to help. I hope that this is something the government will have to address in the future. Those of us who don't have families will need to get some support from somewhere.

https://www.awwoc.org/

https://www.awwoc.org/myths

@Catsmere Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think the kind of retirement village I am looking at here in the UK does have 'steps' of care, as well as an independent living section.

I hope you and your mum enjoy many more good years living there (and that the cook issue gets sorted soon!).

@LunaTheCat and @FiveShelties Thank you for sharing you experiences of making friends. I wish you both all the very best.

@Tracy1994 Thank you too. There are a lot of resources out there on this subject, but as you say, at the moment, practical solutions seem limited.

I wonder in the future though if this issue will not just be entirely limited to those without children. The cost of living is rising, young people are struggling to get on the property ladder and who knows what the next 40 - 50 years might bring. A lot of younger people may be too busy with work / have to move long distances to secure better opportunities, so the time they have available to support their parents may be limited.

I do wonder if those of us who do not have children and can afford care in retirement villages might actually end up in a better position. They do seem to offer plenty of the support that children may (meal preparation, help with household tasks, medicine taken care of, transport to appointments etc). However they are very expensive and I appreciate that not everyone will be able to afford them (not sure I can - but am saving hard!).

I work in probate which brought it all into sharp relief at first so I've been thinking about it quite a lot.

First we did our wills (so can stop worrying about that). We also decided not to move. We've lived here for over 20 years and we're the "newbies" 😂 We also live within a very short walk of all amenities including doctors and dentist.

Our long-standing neighbours are genuinely dear friends and I know they would keep an eye. Next door is a paramedic which is handy! And I'm sure our "starving" cats would let them know! At some point we'll get a keysafe and give the number to those who need it. We can also get a stairlift if it comes to it.

We're also very fortunate to have two lovely local nieces who we could call on in an emergency.

And I would be happy to pay for help in future.

I just turned 60 and am still happily working full time which I swear keeps me young.

OP you do right to build your network. I feel a lot better knowing I'm not actually "alone" an that I've done some preparation.

@CharlotteStreetW1 Thank you for sharing your thoughts - really helpful. Living in a supportive community seems to make a big difference.

I am currently so worried about my future. I am only 36, but unlikely to have children and am an only child (as is my partner, so no nieces or nephews).

Financially, I am fortunate enough to be doing very well, so paying for help should be no problem. But I still worry a lot. I really need to work on building a 'community'.

May I ask, through your work, do you see a lot of people who had good connections with their neighbours and friends?

Thank you again.

May I ask, through your work, do you see a lot of people who had good connections with their neighbours and friends?

I'd never thought about it before but yes, I do actually. In fact the problematic cases always involve family. Friends and neighbours are far more caring even when there's nothing in it for them.

There's a lady a few doors down whose husband died (I used to work with him). I know I'm not the only neighbour who calls in for a chat and she has our number if she needs anything (she's only asked once).

As for "networking", we are involved with various community organisations (carnival committee and helping with various local events etc). It's a lot of fun and we've made more connections through that.

I know that one of us will end up alone eventually but hopefully we've done enough "groundwork".

Don't be frightened. You're thinking about it now which is good as it means you have plenty of time to build a network 🙂

@CharlotteStreetW1 Thank you for sharing this. It's all quite reassuring. 😊 I'm glad to hear you have found some enjoyable ways to build a community around you.

I do need to try and relax about it a little. I think I have spent too much time on Google reading about 'aging alone' and it has made me really scared. And being an only child doesn't help either, as there is no other family. I think when the times comes, I would like to live in a retirement village. That would provide me with all of the practical help that a family might have provided, I think. But questions remain, like who could I trust with my PoA etc.