Group travel without triggers

[Yesnotagain]

So I have just got back from an active holiday with a small group of women. It’s a sport I like to do and my husband doesn’t. It involves spending all day, including all meals together so quite intensive. Great bunch of people, but …

I was the only one in the group without kids (childless after infertility). There was a LOT of talk about their kids/grandkids, showing photos etc. Think I must have suppressed the pain at the time, but now I’m home it has hit me like a bus. Crying in bed when I should be catching up on stuff..

I want to go on similar trips in the future but I really don’t want to come back emotionally exhausted and feeling fragile.

Which got me thinking :

If you could join a group holiday with other childless people / people who for whatever reason, like bereavement for example, don’t want to talk about their personal lives, would you want to?

The point being that you have a shared interest rather than just your childlessness in common, and there is an expectation that you don’t ask or get asked personal questions but can share what you want to.

why should people who are sad or grieving for whatever reason not have the chance to get away for a bit and have some fun, in a safe space. Without having to pretend or lie to protect themselves.

Don’t think there is anything out there so Im thinking of setting something up.

any thoughts ?

were these women friends? or was it an activity holiday that you signed up to independently and no one knew each other?

Sign me up. Childless not by choice over here and although I'm passed the stage of wailing into my pillow, I find having to endure endless photos of other peoples children and how 'adorable' they are to be taxing at best and triggering at its worst. I would hate to have to fake enthusiasm for this day in day out on a holiday where I couldn't escape.

@afteropening thanks for your view. I am not thinking of "setting up a holiday company". Please read posts before commenting. And yes I do need to do a lot of work on myself but I am realistic about the likely outcome : I may get better at this but I will never be completely OK. I don't think the choice has to be, or should be, stop doing the things I love or "suck it up". I think there is a way of making this experience better for people in the same boat.

@CrazylazyJane thanks - good to know I am not alone in wanting a break from this kind of thing. FWIW I thought I was over the crying-in-pillow phase too, and actually on the holiday itself I was genuinely interested in the kids talk and didn't feel bad - just had an unexpected implosion on return home. Which I'd rather avoid in the future if I can.

i read this, reasonably, to interpret it may be on the horizon

Im not thinking of running it as a business, at least to start with.

op - were these women friends or people you met for first time on the activity holiday?

@Afteropening fair enough.

These women were not friends. I joined a group of people all doing the same activity. Several others did the same i.e. travelled alone. Don't want to specify activity as potentially outing.

ok so they weren’t friends.

could you holiday with friends who know the situation and won’t focus on children talk?

@Afteropening No, because none of my friends do the activity I want to do. I do travel with friends sometimes, and with my husband often, but to get away for a break by myself, this activity is what I want to do. And I need to join a group to do it.

I do think group travel specifically for the childfree/less could be a goer if it does not already exist. My DH is 11 years my senior so there is a realistic probability I will be alone one day and if I’m still fit to travel this might appeal to me.

Hi @KimberleyClark thanks - I don't think it exists already, or at least not in the UK.

No I wouldn't join a group holiday for people who didn't want to talk about their personal lives. Even with a group activity in common, it sounds awfully difficult and miserable to not talk about any aspect of life other than that one activity. It's also not a natural way of conversing. I really enjoy getting to know other people so I would enjoy talking about mine and their lives.

I do understand the issues on your trip though OP, it must have been hurtful for you and I often find myself in the same position, being the only one without children and unable to join in that part of a conversation.

What I would join, is a group targeted at people who are childless, who can then discuss all aspects of life knowing they are in a similar situation regarding childlessness.

Actually I remember reading a thread on here, must have been several years ago now. A woman had organised a hiking group for childless women, and a woman who had children joined because she liked hiking. The organiser was asking if she was unreasonable to exclude this mother and it was widely agreed she should be excluded as it was unfair on the target member group and changed the dynamic. I could see myself joining a group like that. It's a safe space.

you’d have to be very careful with the wording to avoid accusations of discrimination! how would you market it? would it be specifically child free? or any personal questions?

I don't think this is realistic tbh, unless it's specifically a childfree holiday (which might mean not having the activity bit, as having both would be quite niche).

I don't think you can police what people talk about, and as people get to know eachother better then it's pretty inevitable that conversation will drift. To those who are widowed, talking about spouses may be painful. To those whist parents have died, sometime mentioning theirs may be painful. To someone who is unemployed or whose career is floundering, hearing of success with that may be upsetting. And talk of children upsetting to those childfree not by choice.

It's horrible, but there are topics of conversation that are like a stab in the heart of everyone, but it's not possible or fair to police that.

Hi @HoHoHoliday thank you - yes thinking about it again I agree with you. A "ban" on discussion of personal lives is OTT and not appealing. My aim would be to create the same kind of space as the hiking holiday you mention.

@Babyboomtastic yes, I see that. I have abandoned the 'no personal chat' idea - not realistic. But I still think that group travel for childfree people, focussed on specific activities, could be appealing. It would mean that people have two things in common - interest in the activity, and no kids. I have been to childless meet ups where that was the only thing in common, and it was frankly depressing. I wouldn't want to do that on holiday.

I get that. It might work for very mainstream hobbies - ie walking, cycling, skiing. The more niche the hobby, the less likely it is that there would be sufficient people in both groups who would be interested.

Even then, then be no guarantees. Some may be still embarking on fertility treatments/the adoption process etc.

In theory, sign me up. In reality, who’s to say we’d get on and want to do the same things?

An easy way to try this idea is to set a group up on meetup.com

I wouldn't be too specific with group description- just say its to cater for people without children who may have experienced infertility or pregnancy/baby loss so that they can enjoy group holidays without the typical child-chatter. Not a therapy group, just so people can have fun and make friends.

I think easier instead to perhaps join a younger group who are less likely to be so child focused?