I never wanted children but lately I have really internalised other people's comments about being old and alone

[vegangirl1980]

I knew at an early age I never wanted children. I dealt with so many health problems growing up, many of which are genetic that I just knew I never wanted to pass those things onto potential children. I've had a difficult life and dealt with a lot of bullying and abuse in friendships and relationships to the point where I now find it really difficult to trust anyone. It's sad really because at heart and before all of this happened, I was a very extroverted person who loved being around people. I'm also disabled due to an accident that occurred when I was just 19 years old

Anyway to cut a long story short, I keep hearing snide comments from people that I'm going to "die alone" and because I am so alone right now, I feel like this is something that isn't going to change. It's something that I think about constantly and that is taking over my life all the time.
My only family is a sister who I don't have a close relationship with and who wouldn't do anything to help me in a crisis.

Does anyone have any tips or guidance as to how I could put all of this into perspective because i feel like it's taking over my life

I don't have children and am also pretty alone. I have worked with elderly people and seen repeatedly their adult children leave them to live and die alone. It is absolutely no guarantee.

Given the word situation, particularly climate change, I am so grateful not to have brought any children into the world.

My future is looking pretty bleak right now, but children would not have been the answer to that for me.

I think it would be worse to be disappointed by your children not taking care of you once/if you're in need later in life instead of never having children. Imagine having all these sacrifices to your body, brain, finances, all in vain!

I hope for friendly care robots once I am in need. Surely we can work on that by investing in artificial intelligence and robots heavily. Anything better than a grumpy young person, related or not 😀

Honestly, it's much better to prepare for an old age alone than expect that you won't be because you have children. It's the people with children who are the most disappointed at the end because, if they've parented right, those children will be off living their own lives.

Plan ahead so when the time comes get yourself into a nice residential facility where you can socialise and enjoy your later years. Much better than sitting at home hoping your children will visit once in a blue moon.

Loneliness is endemic in older age groups regardless of wider family availability, small comfort but you won’t be the only one as you age. People who think having children 100% guards against this are delusional tbh, leave them to it, they’ll find out soon enough.

practicalities that help include involving yourself in formal community activities and creating a space for yourself in local networks. Churches tend to be a good starting point. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t subscribe to structured religion as long as you’re not actively going out of your way to push back against their core ethos. Depending where you live it’s worth checking out local shop window adverts etc. I find these things tend not to be online, at least by me. You do have to push yourself to do things that just sound ‘ok’ rather than waiting for something that really pushes your buttons though.

It sounds like 2 things - you are feeling lonely now and then also dying alone.

There are loads of things that can help with feeling lonely and there's a good thread somewhere on the board about building your tribe, creating a community outside of your family. Take a look and see if anything appeals to you - volunteering, meetup.com etc

You mention having a difficult life and how this has impacted you if you've haven't already Id recommend some counselling to help you look at this.

Re dying alone we all die alone to some extent but as @FufferPish says we will have lovely robots by then! 😀

None of us know what is going to happen in the future. It is scary, I worry about being old and alone as well. I hope there will be enough of us in 20+ years time that we can find solutions together. There are some really interesting and inspiring communities starting up of older people- kind of “independent and private but together” models that I hope will become more widespread in future.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I keep hearing snide comments from people that I'm going to "die alone" and because I am so alone right now, I feel like this is something that isn't going to change. It's something that I think about constantly and that is taking over my life all the time

Well, first action you can take is either to tell them to keep their opinions about your life to themselves if they can't be positive and kind, and the second is find yourself nicer and more supportive friends/colleagues. For whatever reason they want to to feel bad that you haven't made the choices you have, and they know what your weak spot is so they go for it (see comment about finding nicer people to have around you). For some reason parents (I'll bet they're parents, aren't they?) love this particular brand of nastiness - I put it down to jealousy and bitterness myself 😄

As to what happens when you die - it's the future, none of us have any idea what is going to happen to us, where we'll be and who'll be with us. YOu don't say how old you are but if you're in your 20s or 30s or even 40s the care of old people might well have radically changed by the time you're there - you might find a like minded community to live with, you might have a strong supportive community to help you when you need it.

Some good advice upthread about dealing with the loneliness now.

Hi Op, my view is that just because you have children, doesn’t mean you won’t die alone or be alone a lot of the time in later life. I say this because I live a few hours away from my mum, as I moved away from home for better job prospects, and now have my own family. It’s going to be unrealistic for me to move closer to my mum as she gets older. I would also not want to put that pressure on my own children.

I’d say try and make as many good friends as possible and enjoy life:)

Even if you have children, which I do, you can't rely on them as you get older. They have their own (busy) lives and your loneliness is not their responsibility. I'm already at that stage of my life with fewer friends but live each day as it happens and don't look further into the future.

The people who tell you 'you'll die alone' are definitely not your friends! They may well do so themselves.

I have children but tbh I prefer the idea of dying alone, knowing they are off living their lives and enjoying themselves. If they felt obliged to spend time looking after me I would really grieve I think.

The thought of having children so they can perhaps spend months watching you suffer and fade away is ghastly to me. I’d far rather die alone!

Firstly, absolutely everyone "dies alone" - thank goodness! Secondly, having children is no guarantee that they will be around/available when we're old. Thirdly, the beauty of being childfree is that we can choose the friends we want in our life, rather than just being stuck with relatives.
There have been numerous threads on this recently, so do have a read - and you'll be fine.

It really would not be wise to make a major life decision based on what might happen on the last day of your life. And everybody dies alone. You might or might not have people at your bedside, but they won't be volunteering to come with you.

Op I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a partner, but am an only child, so if anything happened to him I would be alone.

I think the best thing to do is to try to build as much financial security as possible (so that you can buy in help or live in a retirement community with support) and also think about where you might find connections with good, kind people who would hopefully provide company and bit of support in your older years (as well as now). I recently started the following thread and got lots of helpful replies. Some may not be suitable depending on the nature of your disability, but I hope there are some ideas that might work for you:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4868060-where-to-find-a-strong-sense-of-community-and-make-a-difference

I have no doubt that many parents will receive help, care and support from their children in their older years, but I am equally sure that some won't! You may well end up in a better position than those in the latter group if you start working on connections now.

I hope this helps. Sending you my best wishes and a virtual hug!

Thanks everyone for your kind answers. It has somehow made me feel less alone. I think at times my mind tends to just catastrophise things. I think I also need to put things into perspective and realise that old age isn't promised to any of us and all we can do is plan ahead. I sadly lost a partner and a best friend when they were only in their early 30's.
I also forgot to mention my age, I'm 42

'Dying alone' is customarily presented as a horror, and we are so used to this that we don't really question it. But I think there are far worse things than dying alone. If you happen to die suddenly, you won't even be aware of it. If you have a long period on your deathbed - personally I would welcome the opportunity to reflect quietly on my life, without having to put a brave face on or conceal pain in front of relatives.

There’s a thread in AIBU right now about someone never seeing their adult grandchildren even though they live 5 minutes away, so having children is no guarantee of anything.

My mother chose to emigrate to Australia in her 50s, so the chances of any of us being there when she died were pretty remote. As it was none of us were because she died in her sleep in the middle of the night. Nor were we there when my father died because a) we were children and b) he was having surgery to try and save his life.

NO-ONE knows what the circumstances of their death are going to be. Parents, non-parents, nobody. What they are trying to do is frighten you, OP. Don't let them.

This is a good point. There is lots of anecdotal evidence suggesting people ‘wait’ for loved ones to leave their bedside to actually die. I think a lot of death bed visits are for the benefit of those left behind more than the person dying, because of societal expectations.

I think people are taking “dying alone” too literally. I don’t think it’s the final five minutes OP is concerned about, it’s the final five years (or however long) of getting old and declining alone.

Given the choice between sacrificing my current happiness and well-being as a single and childfree woman and taking the risk that I might be alone when I’m older, I’d take the risk any day.

I must admit, it does worry me to think I may be alone one day. I think what would help is if I could hear from childfree older people and how their lives have played out.

Well only the OP knows what she really means, but I'll reiterate. It's the future, we have no idea what's going to happen. Now OP knows she does have this fear, she can decide to take whatever steps she feels she needs to to deal with it.

There's truly no guarantees in life.

I've seen countless posts from care workers and discussions from care workers about this kind of topic. One spoke of an elderly woman whose room at the care home was surrounded by pictures of her adult children and her grandchildren. She never received any visits whatsoever. I remember thinking how awful that was-of course, her adult children could live abroad or far away, but still, it felt awful.

However, the message was consistent. Having children wasn't a guarantee that in your later years, you'd have company. In fact, I've heard some say that some of the most popular residents at care homes were the child-free because they'd taken the time to build up their community and haven't relied on familial bonds to obligate someone to be there.

Honestly, OP, people who make those kinds of snide remarks and I've had them too, aren't worth keeping in your life. I, too, like @MrsDanversGlidesAgain think they're just jealous and bitter and are lashing out at you.

Some people will try and use the fear of dying alone or being old and alone to try and ply you into making the same choice they made or to feel better about their own choices. They, themselves, may be waist-deep in shit but thinking, "Oh, but at least when I'm old I'm guaranteed care-givers in my then adult children!" 🙄

If I were a parent, I wouldn't want my adult children taking care of me or feeling obligated to be burdened with me. I'd like a visit now and then, but if I'd done my job right, they're living their best lives somewhere else.

I watched DM sacrifice years to be the carer for a GM who emotionally blackmailed DM by tearfully begging 'not to be put into a home.' 23 hours a day and no break. Even if I HAD children I wouldn't dump that on them.

@CleverLilViper I liked your comment regarding some of the most popular care home residents being those without children. I wonder what sort of things they did to build up their community. That's something I would love to work on myself. Not just for my own benefit (hopefully) in my later years, but to try and give something back to the world too.