Childfree due to infertility- upset :(

[Mimosa834]

Just wanting a place to talk. I had an appointment with a colorectal surgeon today for some issues I’ve been having (turns out to be benign but I need surgery at some point)

I had a referral letter from my GP which had my medical history but for some reason they didn’t have it. The consultant asked questions about my gynae/fertility history which is quite long and complicated, operations, ectopic pregnancy ivf miscarriage etc. Asked if I had children. Then asked if I’d ever delivered a baby. 5 years ago I was induced at 16 weeks - speaking to him about all this plus being so nervous the floodgates burst open and I couldn’t stop crying, properly ugly crying. I am so embarrassed that I couldn’t hold it together.

Generally speaking I’m at peace with being childless and love the freedom I have, I count so many little moments of joy everyday that wouldn’t be possible with a child. It’s just those rare triggers that bring back the past and it shocks me how emotional I get. I’ve had a lot of counselling to work through it all. I don’t really talk about this stuff irl and I hope it’s okay to share here. Is anyone else CNBC who can relate? I just want to not be triggered by this stuff.

You’re still allowed to feel grief about the parts of yourself you have lost along the way, OP.

Grief for parts of our lives can hit us in unexpected grief bombs. I always feel a bit frustrated and upset when I need to give my medical history again and again when a doctor or nurse could simply read some notes.

it’s ok to be ok or vice Versa.
I understand you want to not be triggered, but I can understand that recounting everything that you thought you’d put behind you also brings all that to the forefront. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not being “ok” all the time.

Thanks for replying. I’m definitely being hard on myself for getting so upset.
A grief bomb is exactly what it is- never heard that expression before. That really helps.
Sorry you’ve had similar experiences with medical history. It shouldn’t happen and could be easily avoided.
Feel mentally exhausted - I’m going to run myself a bath 🛀

Exactly. I think some self care is in order today, and tomorrow is a new day.

Honestly, don’t be hard on yourself about emotional reactions. It’s understandable when you need to dredge some thoughts and feelings back up.

Thank you so much for being kind. It makes a real difference to feel seen.

I'm childfree by choice, so I don't have any experience of anything you've been through, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for everything you have been through. My best friend is childfree not by choice and she always says there are some things that will happen or be said that will just drive her to tears. People think it'll be the things like a friend announcing their pregnancy or similar but she says those are the expected things really so she can cope with them but it's the unexpected things that hurt her. She deals with it by writing it down in a notebook and then she glues a piece of paper along the top of the page, the same size as the page and writes and the goof things that have happened to her recently and all the things she has achieved or enjoyed etc as a way to write over the hurt. I don't know if that would be something that would help you but I hope you can find something that does.

Sending love @Mimosa834 x

This is actually really helpful! Thank you for sharing, as I find it hard to find joy some days.

@Fringeornofringe I love this, I’m going to try it. Thank you for sharing. You sound like a lovely friend.

@JorisBonson thank you x

Sending best wishes, Mimosa.

@StuffLoriThangs @Mimosa834 I'm glad it might be something that can help you both.

OP you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm not in your child free situation (have one child) but can relate to being triggered in a medical appointment when asked questions about fertility history, birth etc. Thankfully my child is well but the birth was traumatic and although I can usually talk about it in a detached way now, it's when I get caught off guard by a seemingly innocuous question that I'm not expecting. Don't know if that makes sense. At first I tried to minimise what I went through in my mind but now I try to be more accepting of it being something bad that did happen. Sometimes easier said than done.