Do you think it's easier to find the right man for you if you are CF?

[Daleksatemyshed]

I've read a lot of threads on the relationships board where a couple get on fine until they have their first DC and then they find he's not the man they thought he was, they thought he'd give up the all day hobbies to be with the DC, he'd understand that he come second at least during the baby years and some major cracks happen in the relationship when they find out they were wrong. My DP and I have been together for 30+ years and we have a good life together but just as I wouldn't have been a good DM he would have been a fairly second rate Dad, we're not family orientated people and we are good for each other but would have been really bad partners for lots of other people.
So do you think being CF makes you less demanding than people who want a family?

@GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin I think a lot of men do want DC but some don't seem to wake up to that fact until they're older which makes them a problem for the CF woman. I've known some serious party boys who hit 35 - 40 and suddenly went all sparkly eyed at the idea of being a Dad- trouble is with their history no sensible woman would take them seriously and they all seem to want a son.
On the other hand a lot of men really don't want DC much, if at all, but are willing to go there because they think that's what all women want. Telling which is which is the hard bit

I always felt it would be very hard to find a long term relationship because I didn't want kids, and I assumed that most men would want them. In fact I married someone when I was 30 and said I didn't want to have children, and was relieved he said that was fine. Turns out he was abusive, that's another story, but after a few years together he said he wanted to have kids and I told him that he knew I didn't want them, he said 'I thought you'd change your mind, lots of women say they don't want kids, then have them!' Fortunately we are no longer together and I am now with a similarly-minded partner!

@CrunchyCarrot you were wise not to back down, think how much harder it would have been to leave. It's the classic line " I thought you'd change your mind", it's so insulting.

Children rocked our relationship to the core. It's a bit like living in the jungle for a year. You start riping bits out of each other. You find out all the unsavoury personality traits about the other, things you wished you never knew. You say things in anger and sleep deprivation that you can never unsay. It is a true test for many relationships. Now, we are still together and sometimes I'm amazed. In a way we are less tender with each other, but we are probably more committed than ever. It could easily have ended in divorce. On the upside, we are more honest and more open eyed about each other and with ourselves. Tough therapy if you will 😆

@BlooDeBloop thank you for your honesty, on other boards it seems to be the done thing to say how being a parent is always the best thing ever.

For some people it may be genuinely the case. I have my doubts though 😁😆. Children change the whole balance of a relationship. Before, it's just two of you, looking out for yourself and the other, pleasing yourselves really. Kids demand time, attention, emotional energy. It can't be any other way. For us having two kids was better than one as it broke the mum-baby binary where dad gets (feels) excluded. Now I guess the kids are older and they feel more like a joint project. I can see when empty nest happens things will change once again and we'll probably miss the chaos 😄

In the series Atypical the writers were very astute to capture so well the early years where mum is everything and dad is on the periphery and has a wobble. Things change when the kids become teens and then the dad is the one they turn too. Mum is taken aback and has to redefine her role. I see this a lot in real life.

Is parenting the best thing ever? Probably the most important thing in most parents' lives. I guess having children is life defining. But there are other ways to define your life 🤷‍♂️

@BlooDeBloop I think you've described it very fairly. I'm glad it all worked out OK for you

I'd like to say firstly I've never felt any great desire to define my life!

My previous relationship he was extremely anti having children, DH I think just hadn't given it a lot of thought and when I raised it was more than happy to not have any although he concedes he might have gone along with having them had he got together with someone that felt very strongly the other way. However he is very happy that it's gone the way it has and his himself enthusiastically CF now.

When you’re CF you’re only delaying rather than front-loading the stress. People without children have 2 intense periods of friendship loss/change with friends that have children - once when their friends have kids, then (presuming the friendship survives) another when the grandparents arrive. I have a number of childfree acquaintances who have needed to find new friends in their 40s-70s because their existing ones are busy giving childcare or going on lovely trips and suddenly they have nothing in common any more.

*When the grandchildren arrive lol

@Wenfy I can't speak for everyone but my close friends are all CF and I have a lovely best-friend DH so I'm not delaying any loss.

There are actually studies that show more men want children (and more of them too) than women.

Makes sense. As a lot of women say 'I'd have a child if I got to be a dad.'

This is classic investment theory. A woman has to invest more of her health, risk of death in childbirth, resources etc in raising a child whereas a man can sow his seed widely with little cost. However, as others note, quality offspring come from good bi parental care. So a dad gets a long term success boost if he invests too.

I have many childless friends (poets, writers, artists seem to have less desire to procreate 😆). I never ask about their family set up but they often volunteer information (we couldn't/didn't). They seem more anxious to express why than I am curious to know. But that's just me. I imagine being CF in Italy would be a NIGHTMARE 😁😆

Delaying what stress? My stresses have nothing to do with friends, or anybody's children or lack of them.

Tbh it just sounds like another Cautionary Tale directed at the child free.
Some people seem very invested that we should somehow come a cropper.

Not sure what you mean - what stress are we delaying rather than front-loading? Are you suggesting it’s better to have kids so you don’t lose your mum friends?

I lost many of mine. It’s fine - I found new (CF) ones. It wasn’t nice but it wasn’t “stress”.

It does, rather. Look out, you'll lose all your friends if you don't have children! 🙄