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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

Do you think it's easier to find the right man for you if you are CF?

42 replies

Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2023 19:45

I've read a lot of threads on the relationships board where a couple get on fine until they have their first DC and then they find he's not the man they thought he was, they thought he'd give up the all day hobbies to be with the DC, he'd understand that he come second at least during the baby years and some major cracks happen in the relationship when they find out they were wrong. My DP and I have been together for 30+ years and we have a good life together but just as I wouldn't have been a good DM he would have been a fairly second rate Dad, we're not family orientated people and we are good for each other but would have been really bad partners for lots of other people.
So do you think being CF makes you less demanding than people who want a family?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/08/2023 20:00

Well, I suppose that depends on what you mean by 'less demanding.' I'd say it's perfectly possible to be CF and still be demanding in a relationship, but could you clarify?

I can't help thinking that for a lot of women the point of being married isn't the man but the children and they don't actually give any thought to 'will this man make a good father in all the ways I need him to be and is he in it for the long haul?' altho TBH I don't think most couples are prepared for the landmine under their lives that is parenthood.

I did read ages ago what I've always thought is a perceptive comment about marriage, especially as regards men. Women change when they marry, especially when they become mothers. Men carry on as they were before, the only difference is, they're now married.

LoobyDop · 01/08/2023 20:01

No, I think wanting a child makes you more likely to accept a lot of unacceptable shit. Five minutes on the rest of MN would tell you that.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/08/2023 20:06

Problem with the relationship board is that by definition these are relationships that for some reason or another aren't working. No-one posts on there to say their DH happily does their share of everything without complaining and always has, plus he has one night out a month at the pub max and even then only drinks shandy.

musixa · 01/08/2023 20:09

Of the three men I've had long-enough-term relationships with to discuss it (including my husband) none wanted children - I don't know whether that's just because we had to have had a degree of similar outlook to get to the long-term stage.

I have seen it theorised on here that having children is far more often initiated by women and many (not all) men would be perfectly happy without, if it were left to them.

It's also pretty much accepted that having a new baby puts a strain on a relationship, however strong - sleepless nights, change in lifestyle, dent in finances etc.

So my unscientific conclusion would be that it doesn't make it any harder to find a partner; and it takes away one source of strain that might break a relationship down the line.

ChaToilLeam · 01/08/2023 20:12

I’ve had a more than a few relationships not progress because I’ve always been quite clear about not wanting children. So I don’t think it makes it easier in that respect.

But raising children can be really, really testing - and we don’t have that additional pressure in our lives.

TrundleWheel76 · 01/08/2023 20:15

I was determined not to date a man with children. The only thing I could imagine that would be worse (for me) than being a mother was to be a stepmother!

I decided that if that meant staying single then fine. Luckily for me I met my lovely OH. 🙂

Original poster
Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2023 20:16

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain happy to clarify- we both work, look after the house, do all the adult things necessary but we don't make the demands on each other that seem to come with parenthood. We both come and go as we please. I'll go out to a hobby, come home to an empty house and it's not a problem, I know he'll come home later and he doesn't need to check in with me unless he wants to. We both do things for each other but it's because we want to, not because the need for childcare demands it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2023 20:18

Also I absolutely agree that some women pick a man for the sort of DF they think he will be which is understandable but weird too, I think very few men pick a women just because they think she'll be a good DM!

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/08/2023 20:23

Ah right. Yes, I see what you mean about the degree of flexibility and freedom because you don't have to wrangle childcare and all the complications that come with it.

I don't know, TBH. It's such an individual relationship thing. Someone else in your place might be fed up of the amount of time their DP spends out of the house on a hobby and want more of their time. What I guess you can say is that there isn't the additional stress imposed by what expectations there are about parenthood and parenting and the couple can work out their lifestyle without that.

Original poster
Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2023 20:43

@TrundleWheel76 fully with you there- if you don't want your own DC why would you want to be responsible for someone elses? Some people do seem to think they're doing you a favour by letting you be involved with their DC. I have several friends with DC who I buy fabulous birthday/Christmas presents for, I'm happy that their DC are happy, but please don't think it means I'll be babysitting

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fitzwilliamdarcy · 01/08/2023 20:47

I have a fair number of friends who remain with men they think are useless because - to put it bluntly - they need their sperm.

I think not removing reproduction from the equation may put women in something like men’s position - they can wait longer for a really good one to show up.

But honestly I don’t know, as I’ve been single for two decades and happily so.

Original poster
Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2023 20:57

@fitzwilliamdarcy if you are happy single then that's great, no one should feel less than because they're not part of a couple, I think anyone in a relationship sacrifices a little bit of themselves to accommodate their DP. It would be interesting to see how relationships would change if parenthood was taken out of them, it makes me sad to see good women take on shoddy men just so that they can get pregnant.

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BadNomad · 01/08/2023 21:02

I also think the right man is only the right man right now. It's impossible to fully predict how the relationship will fair after a major life change. Children are a major life change. As is chronic illness and disability. It all changes the dynamic of the relationship. If your needs change, that "right man" might not be able to meet those anymore and things will start to fall apart.

But, yeah, a lot of women are so driven by their need to have children that they are wilfully blind to how incompatible they and their partner will be as parents, how misogynistic their partner really is, and how the relationship won't just magically be ok without any effort from both.

Crocksnsocks · 01/08/2023 21:05

When I opened the thread, I thought you meant Cheeky Fucker 😆

Original poster
Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2023 21:12

Well I might be one of those as well @Crocksnsocks but I try not to be😂

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 01/08/2023 21:40

Like @musixa I've had three long term relationships, none had children, none wanted them. I've never dated a man who was driven to have a family but maybe I was justing meeting the wrong (right) sort of men.

Catsmere · 02/08/2023 01:51

God no, I never met a man I'd have wanted in my life.

CelineEdgar · 02/08/2023 01:59

No. Seeing my husband during the hard baby years has made me have so much appreciation and love for him.

During a rare bad argument he came to me and said 'Celine, we have a kid now'.

It was his way of saying 'we are to stay together because we're a family so we can't be arguing like this, and our child is more important than our petty argument'.

He did the nights, the nappy changes, the endless rocking. He runs his own business so spends hours with our son every day. He does some mornings with him so I get a sleep in.

Mind you, he would absolutely never in this life would agree to a second 🤣 I'm one and done too so it works for us.

MomentOnTheLips · 02/08/2023 02:01

I saw this thread in the active list and thought the CF stood for 'cheeky fucker' at first. 😂

Fofftwenty21 · 02/08/2023 09:31

@BadNomad yes I agree. I am CF but have a disability so my husband has to step up in several areas when I'm unable to which would have traditionally been seen as society as my job as a woman

He is great at doing all this but as @Daleksatemyshed I can see how he would struggle to be a father as if he doesn't sleep well for one night he is completely useless 🤣 In the same way that I like to have freedom to do my own things and need a lot of time to myself which would be difficult with kids.

@CelineEdgar thats interesting because as our relationship has progressed we naturally don't argue about silly things anymore because our communication is better and us being together ane both being happy is more important.

I do feel because we don't have kids together we have chosen each other only because of ourselves and won't ever have that thing of worrying if we are only still together for the children.

KimberleyClark · 02/08/2023 09:44

There is a rather outdated saying that children are the glue which keeps a couple together. That can be good or bad. Bit miserable feeling you can’t leave a relationship because of the kids, and many couples manage to happily stay together for decades without children.

JorisBonson · 02/08/2023 09:59

I've also ended relationships due to pressure from the other side. I was married previously and strangely I can't remember ever having the conversation! Maybe blocked that one out 🤣 (I was very young tho).

DH also chose at an early age not to have children, so I'm very glad I found him. He's actually the closest I've ever come to having a wobble because he would actually be a fantastic father, but that lasted about an hour and I was drunk 😄

Fofftwenty21 · 02/08/2023 10:43

@JorisBonson haha 😄

lemonchiffonpie · 04/08/2023 02:19

The men who I have met who have been interested in me have all come with children, which rather defeats the purpose of being CF. They were also, universally, incapable of caring for their children on even the most basic level which left it all to me, and was extremely expensive as well as exhausting.

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 05/08/2023 16:58

I think a number of women do settle because they want children, particularly if they feel their biological clock is running out of time. A friend of mine almost certainly did this, she told me that she'd met a guy who ticked all the boxes and she decided that this was as good as it got, time was running out so she married him. Fair enough I suppose but is "We get on OK and this relationship gives me the lifestyle I wanted" enough of a basis for a life together and enough to get you through the hard bits of life?

Childfree people don't have the bombshell under their relationship that having a child seems to detonate. But I think meeting someone in the first place is harder, much as I know women who've struggled to meet a man who wants to commit to having children, childfree women struggle to meet men who commit to not having them. Seems a lot of men want to keep their options open Hmm