Did anyone else choose to be childfree due to their childhood?

[moderndaywitch]

I have never been especially maternal, and I put this down to being the oldest in a family with four children.

I love my siblings, but from my perspective, my parents having so many children ruined my life. There was no money, time, quiet, space - it was just chaos. My parents were very irresponsible and lazy, which meant I was often the 'third parent' to the youngest siblings, getting them up for school, making their school lunches, washing their hair etc when I was still a child myself. I even had people tell me I would make a good mother one day when I was about 12.

Any attention my parents had, when they could be bothered, would be directed at the youngest as I was 'more grown up'.

I found my siblings, and all younger children, irritating. The crying, the tantrums, the demands.

I do sometimes see children out and about and think yes, they're cute when they are well behaves. I think it would be nice to have family days out at farms etc like you see on Instagram, but then I see parents struggling with a child having a tantrum and I think how hard that life must be.

I do wonder if I will regret having no family but I think my childhood has scarred me too much. I feel resentful that I don't have 'normal' experiences as now I will be living an 'abnormal' life in the eyes of society.

Yup. My mum was chronically ill so as the oldest sibling, I had to take over the housework/cooking when I was about 10, and help raise my younger brother. My dad was pretty absent as he was working all the time. I really didn’t have much of a childhood and was coming back home from uni on the weekends to cook/clean for my dad and brother. Used to caring for people at the expense of myself and having zero experience at dating/relationships because I was too busy being a housemaid, my first marriage unsurprisingly was to an emotionally abusive man who was chronically unemployed and who watched me work, go to graduate school, clean house, cook, etc. Needless to say, by the time I got divorced, started taking better care of myself, and ended up thankfully with a decent man, I had zero desire to have kids of my own. I also taught university which is a demanding job in a caring profession. I’d done enough caregiving for a lifetime. Now I am quasi retired, my lovely husband does the cooking and helps with the cleaning, and I have freedom. would not give it up for the world.

Similar. I helped look after my sister a bit for a couple of hours after school while both parents worked, but she was 8 or 9 then and required little parenting. I did however make dinner as I was first one in (from 13) and helped with housework. I also stayed up late with mum at her insistence as Dad worked away a lot and she wanted “adult” company ie proper conversation and watching tv together. Maybe growing up too quick did it.

However I’ve never been maternal and knew early on I’d rather be playing with Lego than dolls.

I have a very similar experience @moderndaywitch

I'm the oldest of 5. Neglectful, abusive parents did not make for a good upbringing. I'm autistic in a family of NT's so the chaos, noise etc was just an additional negative impact. I was often left to look after my siblings from a very young age and was barely equipped to look after myself let alone younger children.

It put me off ever having children of my own.

I don't view myself as abnormal for making the choice to be childfree and IDGAF about what others think of me for making that choice.

Yes, my childhood was a big part of deciding not to have children. Im the eldest of three, had a lot expected of me, did a lot of care taking and looking after others. My mother used my sister and I as mini therapists from about the age of 10, which was quite exciting and grown up at the time but was actually emotional abuse and messed us both up. My mother also said to me that if she had her time again she wouldn't have children. So I had absolutely no rose coloured specs about what was involved in parenting and family!

Yes, that part of my decision not to have children. I did not have a good relationship with my mother, who did not have a good relationship with her mother, who did not have a good relationship with her mother.

I decided that the chain stopped with me.

I would say it was a contributing factor as to why I didn't consider having them until it was too late. I was in my mid/late 30s before I worked out how to have healthy relationships, up until that time I chose epople who were emotionally overwhelming and I wouldn't consider bringing children in to that dynamic. Once I sorted this out and found the right guy I was too old. I'm ambivalent about this. Having spent most of my life not wanting children I relish the time, freedom, money, emotional stability, etc., that I'm enjoyng in my 50s, but I would also have had children young with a loving husband who made an excellent father. I do bame being slow to learn how to have healthy relationships on my early childhoo experiences.

Also, my whole family has grown up and we're all much more thoughtful and loving now!

Not me but my BFF. She's close to her family but openly admits that the way they were brought up is probably directly responsible for the anxiety etc that she suffers, and is the reason her and her siblings are all a little messed up. She felt strongly that a) she would be too anxious as a parent which would not be good for her or her children b) she didn't want to inflict the anxiety her family inflicted on her on a child.

She is a wonderful godmother however.

Possibly. I don't ever remember being young and carefree. I was a young carer. My mum was disabled and I have a younger brother with autism and LD. Most of my childhood (and adulthood) involved sorting him out because she couldn't and stressing about her. Having a child just seems like more of that.

I'd love to have children ìn some ways but not in others. I've always had a wish for this but it wouldn't be a good idea for me unfortunately because I was sexually, emotionally and sexually abused by one parent and it was allowed to happen and validated by the other, I have gone NC with them now even though they think they did well. 😵‍💫
I wouldn't be a good parent because I would project on to the child and spoil them rotten, I wouldn't be able to think clearly about decisions (I can't about my own life) and I wouldn't want my life to change as much as it would.
Luckily, I have beautiful children of friends in my own life, but it must be said that it isn't the same as having my own. I have a very big maternal instinct and want to sniff baby's heads all the time and cup their tiny, chubby hands.

Yes, but in my case I’ve come to realise it’s because I don’t want to know how easy it is to love your child and do your best for them.

My emotionally absent mother was a contributing factor, certainly. I wasn't surrounded by stellar examples of parenting - the warm, loving and close example I did have of parenting (an aunt and uncle) emigrated to Australia so I didn't have them around in my adolescence. Had I had that positive role model of a family I might have decided differently.

I could have written your post OP.
I was the second eldest and as a result bore the brunt of babysitting, dealing with nappies and tantrums etc. i hated it. My eldest sibling was considered too irresponsible so it fell to me.
I hated sharing a room, the lack of money, attention and space combined with responsibilities that I should not have had led to my decision to be child free.
My escape was to get to University, but even then having paid my own way I had to babysit etc when working during the University holidays etc.
My Mum still to this day denies the pressures that I was under and the effect it had on me.
Sharing a bedroom as a teenager with 2 siblings, one being much younger whilst studying for A levels was brutal.
My Mum said to me a few months ago did I regret not getting to med School I nearly said there wasn't a chance when being brought up in chaos and lack of space.

Yep, me too. I wasn't a carer but my parents were (are) functioning alcoholics with unresolved trauma passed down from their own childhoods. I've been in therapy for all of my adult life, on and off, to treat C-PTSD.

A big part of me is afraid that I'd just carry on the cycle, but a bigger part of me feels that I missed out on a childhood, on being nurtured, on being cared for - and I want those things for myself, from myself. I don't want to spend the rest of my life giving that to someone else.

The fact that I don't remotely enjoy the company of babies or children is just the icing on the cake.

Yep, me too. I wasn't a carer but my parents were (are) functioning alcoholics with unresolved trauma passed down from their own childhoods. I've been in therapy for all of my adult life, on and off, to treat C-PTSD

My mother was the same and I'm sure that if my father hadn't died when he was 40 he'd have become a functioning alcoholic (as it was he was known for drinking a lot when he was on leave and being in trouble due to drinking is on his naval record - but this was the 1960s, no one batted an eyelid). I think as well it was due to unresolved trauma - both grew up during the war (dad was in the Merchant Navy on convoys so goodness knows what he experienced), mum was evacuated and both had mothers who might politely be described as toxic and if not narcissistic definitely with traits.

Could be. I know I never much liked kids when I was one (and as for teenagers, what a revolting species!). I was the youngest and there was a big gap between my siblings and me. I had nothing to do with little kids except my contemporaries at school. Apparently I'd already declared to my teacher by the time I was nine that I was never having children!

Should add - it wasn't a decision. I never wanted children, never had to think about it. Besides, I never met a man I found remotely attractive, so even if I'd wanted children, it wasn't going to happen.

To a degree. I seem to come from a long line of people who struggled with motherhood, had it foisted upon them or had very hard lives because of it. I guess I just didn't see it as something that looked remotely enjoyable.

Not exactly my childhood, but very definitely because of the example of motherhood I got from my mum. She made it very clear that she was miserable, exhausted and unfulfilled, and also that she considered that to be a woman’s lot in life. On the other hand my aunt (obviously derided as selfish by my mum) was childfree and clearly quite happy and had a very nice life. I didn’t make a conscious choice to follow one and not the other, but I grew up with the understanding that motherhood makes women deeply unhappy.

Me too. Father was an alcoholic, mother enabled him. My mother and I never had a great relationship. Friends have all commented I would have been a great mother, but I was never willing to risk not being a great one, or worse, having a child and giving them the upbringing I had. So I am cool auntie, and can of course hand them back 🤣

For me it was the opposite. I grew up having love in my heart and nowhere for it to go. I always knew I wanted children and knew that I'd love them where my parents didn't love me. God, I wish I could give my child self a cuddle.

For sure, 3 main reasons:

1. I had a brother 10 years younger and couldn’t stand him until he basically turned 18. He was loud, annoying, woke me up at 7am every weekend and holidays/days out were boring as they were catered towards a toddler. I thought he was really spoilt and hated the whole experience of having a younger sibling. There was nothing enjoyable about it. We get on well now as adults!

2. My parents weren’t neglectful as such, but their life definitely didn’t revolve around their kids - they loved their careers and refused to ferry me around or do stuff like supervise homework, I was expected to do that myself and get to places myself. I spent a lot of time on my computer or watching TV, and visiting family abroad. I was highly independent but also realised that to give any future children a better childhood that revolved around them a bit more, would be really hard work and involve a lot of sacrifice. For example I wouldn’t want them in childcare/watching TV all day like I was - I think both parents should be part-time and present. That’s not something I’m willing to do, I love my independence and peace/quiet/alone time.

3. Other kids were mean little shits. I’m an immigrant and classmates would bully me or just not talk to me as I was foreign and “weird”. People who never spoke to me in secondary school treated me like a piece of shit and to this day I don’t know what I did wrong to them. At least adults have to try and be nice (if not you can cut them out of your life, or at least report them to HR) - a lot of kids are just spiteful and have no empathy. I didn’t enjoy much of school and couldn’t wait to be 18 and start my actual life!

I relate to lots of these posts.
I was one of three girls from a Jehovah’s Witness upbringing - violent dad who I had to go to court to stop seeing on the weekend at about 11, single mum who earned less than benefits and struggled the entire time. I regularly heard her say she wished she never had children. We had to do all the housework, never had any money for activities, never had anything new, and when she met her next man she pretty much left us to it at school age. Unsurprisingly none of us 3 have children. I never actively thought I won’t have children, but I have never actively wanted one. I feel more for animals than infants. A year teaching teenagers probably sealed that deal!

It's definitely been a factor. My childhood looked nice from the outside, but inside it was actually very difficult. My Mum who I love, would have been happier if she had made the decision to remain child free herself.