Not By Choice

[Scabber]

Hi There

I have just discovered this part of the forum and thought I'd park myself here whilst I try to come to terms with this life.

I hope than some day soon I will be able to embrace my freedom and accept life not going how I tried hard to make it. But for now I'm struggling and would like to make this a safe space for myself and other women who don't have children but not through choice.

For me, I just never met a decent man. Men have never been much interested in me. I've always been the one before the woman they marry. I've been in relationships where the guy has met someone else and pretty much forgot I exist. I have lots of close female friends and get the usual 'no idea why you're single' chat but that's how it's always been. Miss You'll Do Til Someone Better Comes Along.

So I bought sperm from a clinic and spent a small fortune on fertility treatment to no avail. No pregnancy, no baby, no more money, no hope.

Gradually all my friends are having their 2nd/3rd, the babies I imagined mine playing with are starting school after the summer. Even my infertility friends are popping them out.

I feel lost in the world, I feel like I've taken a wrong turn somewhere and found myself in a place I don't belong.

I cling onto stories about sleepless nights, useless husbands, terrible twos, unruly teens etc but my body just longs to be a Mum. If anyone knows how to switch that feeling off I'd love to know !

So this is a place where we can shout that it's just not fucking fair and let the bitterness seep without judgement.

Thank you for reading if you got this far

For me several years down the line the it's not fair and horrific grieving and upset has really faded at lot.

To the point where if I got pregnant now (which can't happen) I would genuinely panic because my life is no longer set up in a way that would be easy to adjust for a baby.

But I totally resonate with feeling for a long time very lost in the world. Even that has faded over time.

Christmas is really the only time now I find difficult and even that is nowhere near as difficult as it was thankfully

I hope you also manage to find some peace over time

Hi

Thank you 😊 I think I will find that peace as I know that the child free life is my path now if that makes sense? But the rage and bitterness is still there for now, here I have a place to share it.

Funnily I still love Christmas but I always struggle with World Book Day of all things!

I am so sorry. I read this and so much of it resonates with me.

I struggled unsuccessfully trying for a baby in my now finished marriage and feel similarly about friends having their second or third babies- very happy for them but very aware of the absence of what I thought would be my family. It's so difficult to live with.

I find it helpful to acknowledge even just to myself and close friends the sadness, the loss- the grief. Rather than hiding it.

I'm not sure what is in my future- in theory I may be able to have a baby as part of my issues were male factory infertility of my ex. But who knows. And I know now that nothing is certain and that I don't want to put all my hope for happiness into something that won't happen.

I am trying to focus on making a life worth living in other ways- finding what makes me happy, taking that seriously!

I hope you are ok and sending you a hug and sympathy. Do you know gateway women by the way?

As a crafty person I get the world book day thing, oh the costumes I could have sewn

Although in reality I probably would have run out of time and cobbled something rubbish together

I think it does help when you understand your life will be chilldfree. I'r eases a lot of the will it wont it emotional ups and downs

I’m really hesitant to post this as I know it’s a very sensitive topic…but I was you, all the way down to the hideously expensive fertility treatment…and for me it worked! I got pregnant on the third attempt, and then had a miscarriage. I was devastated and decided there and then that I wouldn’t put myself through it again. I vowed to be child free and live my best life as a single child free woman.

Five years on, my bundle of joy is asleep in the room next door. I became her mum through adoption. She was a few days old and I adopted her as a single parent.

Please please don’t take my post the wrong way, I strongly dislike the posts suggesting adoption as a runner up prize to birth children. It isn’t a journey for everyone or even many, but for the few it’s absolutely right and we are happy.

I hope you find peace and happiness wherever life takes you next.

If you don't mind me commenting again, if you can access/afford it and havent already done so I strongly reccomend therapy with someone who understands infertility

Because you are going through a grieving process, grieving the life you thought would be yours, and support and therapy can be very beneficial in grieving

Thank you for your lovely post. The thought of adoption terrifies me and I feel right now it's just not the route to parenthood I want to take and that wouldn't be fair on the child. I know with time this thinking may change though :)

I've been getting counselling which is definitely helping. This thread is part of that, I have realised there's no need to pretend I'm fine with everything for now and getting my thoughts out is a way of processing them.

I am child free and not by choice and I am very up and down with it.

I am nearly 39 and my DP was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3 1/2 years ago and is still battling it every day. I always thought children would feature in my life but that is now not a possibility due to his treatment that he has been through. I know there are options like adopting and fostering but WHEN my DP finally beats his cancer I know that we will want a few years living and enjoying our lives. Catching up on all the things we haven't been able to do over the last few years and just enjoying being healthy and alive. By which time I could be well into my 40's if not further depending on how DP's treatment goes. And by then I feel like for me personally it's going to be too late. So it kind of is my choice at that point not to explore other options and just enjoy being with my partner.

I think that's what I struggle with, it's not my choice initially but it is my choice to be happy with my partner and enjoy our lives together when he gets to the point of being cancer free. Obviously I am not giving up hope on my partner and very much looking on the optimistic side of things when it comes to his illness.

Technically I've chosen to not get in more debt by having more treatment but I still see myself as not by choice xx

All the best to you and your husband, here's to some excellent adventures post recovery!

My moan for today is strained friendships. My best friend has her children and were gradually drifting apart. Both trying not to but our life differences are starting to show.

How old are the children? I find this tends to be less if an issue the older the children get, so if you can keep the friendship going then eventually it will get easier

All the best to you and your partner @bookwormcrazy.

Like you I did want children, but IVF didn't work and we chose not to pursue donor gametes or adoption so there is that element of choice.

I'm child free not by choice
I can get pregnant and did but I was blackmailed into a termination
Now single, can't afford a child alone and I'm nearly 40

I've spent the last 10 years thinking 'but what if I'm pregnant/have a newborn then?' It's strange trying to ignore that voice now and just make plans.

Yes I have been here. It does get better when you get past realistic childbearing age, though on MN it seems “realistic childbearing age” can be up to 55!

though on MN it seems “realistic childbearing age” can be up to 55!

Isn't that the age when dementia starts kicking in, according to MN? And even if it doesn't anyone over 55 is incapable of understanding tech or looking after themselves? 🙄

This is one of the reasons I got a coil

I want a child, I can't have one. I can't get pregnant. But i needed to silence the little voice in my head that told me every time my period was late, and with pcos that was frequently, that I might be.

I needed to shut the voice up so I could get on with life

Well Naomi Campbell isn't helping with the age up to 55 thing. Great for her but wish she'd be honest about how she has had children (not to be nosey but to stop ppl believing we can all conceive into our 50s).

Yeah there's definitely a freedom not having ivf, I know my periods going to come, no hope that it won't. Its quite a nice feeling actually.

I was about to make a new thread but then I came across this.

I am also childfree because I didn't meet the right man. It seems to be something many don't understand, and yes there are options to do it without one but I think that would be a difficult life not to have someone share the parental work, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. Us women only have a few years we are fertile and the window when we can, can be very small. And it's just luck on whether we have met the right person in that window. Many people seem to manage to meet someone, but there are some of us who don't.