Nanny not pulling her weight, help for friend

[Cortina]

Met up with a friend today. She works part time (now on maternity leave, just finishing up) and when at home the nanny locks herself away in her room (she's a live in). 16 month old and a baby.

Thing is, there is stuff to be done, looking after the baby, washing kids clothes etc. When I go round, or according to friend any excuse the nanny disappears and 'irons in her room' (watches TV in other words).

My friend is lovely and very relaxed. She tried the nanny with a written routine and structured breaks but these seem to have gone by the wayside. (My friend says, her fault, not nanny's).

Friend had a chat with the nanny whilst I was there and then Nanny appearing smiling and 'on duty' again. Friend has no experience of having a nanny before, or anyone living in, and hates any kind of confrontation or atmosphere.

Any advice? I gave a few ideas but haven't been in a similar set up. My friend isn't a tough type (but not a total push over either) and I fear she is being taken advantage of.

Does friend have a contract that she can refer to? How long as nanny been there? Methinks it's time for a 'chat' especially as friend is going back to work soon.

Whilst it can be difficult to have a MB at home, there is always stuff to be done.

Perhaps nanny feels as though she should give your friend space when she has people over so genuinely does do nursery duties in her room?

I'm afraid your friend will need to man up and talk to her nanny about this otherwise it will go on and your friend will be quietly resentful and one day it will all blow up.

Perhaps nanny is the type that works better without a structured routine and feels micromanaged/nervous of doing something wrong around your friend?

Thanks will let her know.

TV definitely on in her room and my sense was she doesn't work in there, also didn't feel to me that she was 'professionally' disappearing to give us a chance to be together - more of a sloping off under the radar. She was in there for a good while also. My gut feeling isn't good to be honest, but I can't know for sure.

"man up"?!?!

OMG, Frakkit. What kind of sexist world do you live in?

Strix faints

She could get the nanny to list all the things she gets done in the day along with how long it took, and to do it on a daily basis. For awhile she may have to also set lists of duties she expects to have done by the nanny for the day/week. Obviously there will be some gaps because just caring for a baby or playing with them will occupy time which won't necessarily be 'listed', but they will be obvious to your friend, and could also be 'described' generally so your friend has an idea of the type of play (to avoid the habit of plonking the DCs in front of a tv!).

Also, she could (until futher notice) straight out ban time in her own room for the nanny during work time. There is no real need for the nanny to retire there during the day. Even if she is ironing, there is usually somewhere else in the house where she could (or should) do that. I assume that with the ages of the children they both still have nap times, so she should be doing the ironing then.

Have I got this right? You wne tround whilst nanny was on duty. She buggered off to her room whilst you were there.

Did the children go to her room with her? If not, where were they?

Okaaaaaay. (Wo)man up?

Man up is in my dictionary, woman up isn't. I suggest you take up the inherent sexism in the English language with the people wot rite dikshunarys Interestingly gender isn't mentioned in the definition...

I blame spending too much time in a military environment

We dont know the arangment. Mum is on mat leave. She might be AP and this might be the arrangement.

Children were with us, and yes went to room while we were there. I think the banning time in her own room during work time might be a good idea (apart from agreed break times), that and a re-cap of expectations etc, making sure things are clear. Will let her know, thanks again.

Does the nanny have clearly defined hours and duties? This can be achieved without micromanaging lists and detailed rules. I find the more you try to dig in and control the nanny the more unhappy you and she will both become. You friend needs to enforce the existing contractual duties and hours, but probably not create new ones.

It is possible this has all come about because you friend has been too relaxed so nanny generally does not know what the boundaries are.

I think the place to begin is to ensure there is a contract which clearly defines the expectations of both nanny and employer.

I would start by making a list of her working hours and then a list of things she is expected to accomplish in those hours. I would not then go on to tell her how to accomplish them and when she should do each task and how long it should take. I might say something general like I want the ironing all caught up on WEdnesdays by clock off time. But, I would not say begin ironing at 1:00 and finish at 3:25. I would not ban her from her room, but I might say that I don't want the kids in her room becaue then they don't understand why they can't go in at 7:00am on Saturday.

My current nanny lets the kids in her room and it makes it harder to tell them they are not allowed in on the weekend. Although my children are older so it does eventually sink in. But, a toddler will surely not understand that.

If the mum is around all the time, does the nanny know what she is supposed to be doing? If you and the mum were with the children, maybe the nanny was hanging around awkwardly feeling like a spare part?

Good points that I am passing on, thanks.

I think my friend hasn't been clear enough and is too relaxed with boundaries.

I also think, from the vibe I got and from what my friend tells me, that the nanny is slacking a bit/taking advantage. Nanny is very confident and experienced. I could of course be mistaken.

It wasn't a case of 'oh your friend is here. I'll give you some time'. She said she was off to iron, and she was checking emails and watching TV apparently (although if a one off and she'd finished the ironing I think that's fine). Ironing hadn't been done. It's just one example but she has been spending time in her room whenever she can allegedly.

And another thing... I think your friend should be on here to engage with us herself.

Good point

'It's not me it's my frriendddd...'! In this case, not guilty.

She has problems with email, not v net savvy, and this would throw her completely. .

Teach her. We are lovely people.

It just occurred to be that she needs to maybe be a bit more assertive in her management style. And she might start by seeking out this conversation herself.

You are of course being a good friend in trying to help her.

Tell her we said to "Woman up!"