Previous au-pairs references

[Metrobaby]

I am currently interviewing for au-pairs and the prospective au-pairs want to communicate with my previous AP and my current AP.

I don't have any issues with my previous AP, however with my current AP, things are a bit difficult as she wanted to stay in our family, but I didn't want to renew her contract. Current AP however, now wants to stay in the UK and look for another non-childcare-related job. I'm worried that current AP may put off prospective candidates as I found out that current AP has been saying she feels rather sorry for the next AP looking after my children!

Am I worrying un-necessarily? How best can I handle this?

I am annoyed with current AP as we have put up with a lot from her and should have got rid of her months ago - but felt rather sorry for her and struggled along with her. I also think she is being unfair in her representation as she only has 2 hours of sole care with 2 children during the week. The rest of the time she is there as an extra pair of hands when DH and I are there.

Say that you are happy to give details of your previous AP but not your current one as you have had some issues. Do be honest that you've had issues though. Some APs won't mind but would mind if they weren't told IYSWIM. I was most irritated in one job to find out why the previous nanny had quit third/fourth hand. It didn't change anything about the job but it left a bad taste in my mouth. It's better to show you're aware of the issues and committed to preventing them from arising again!

Alternatively give out both contact details and let them make their own mind up about what the AP says. Is the job exactly the same or can you say 'you may speak to X, current AP, but the job is changing so the info may not be entirely accurate'? And add that you are the one not renewing her contract which AP isn't happy about.

I would also speak to current AP and remind her that if she is intending to stay in the UK she will most likely need you to provide a reference for her as her most recent employer (and presumably only UK-based one)! Bad mouthing you to prospective APs is hardly likely to endear her to you, is it?

tough one - like Frakkit's advice about being honest with the reasons. It is nothing you have done wrong and if the new AP is influenced by leaving AP then she is not right for the job.

Annh - yes we are only UK based one. I honestly don't think she has considered that our family would be a reference for her as she is going for bar work and waitressing as her next job. However that said, my main issue with her is that she isn't that great with the kids. I don't think she actually even likes children that much generally and just wanted to come over the UK to escape living at home.

Frakkit - thanks for your advice. I'll give both AP's contact details and let the new AP make her mind up. I've always believed in open and honest communication. I was just worried that current AP may be painting an unfair picture.

I need to resurrect this. Our AP coming in Sept wants to speak to our current one. I know that our current one is happy and would have liked to stay on with us. BUT:

We have changed the terms of the job with respect to pay as the AP is doing markedly fewer hours for us. It's not a drastic change but I wouldn't want to offend the new one if they discuss it.

Also another thing is that we are planning to be clearer about our expectations in some areas than we were with the current AP, who was our first one. We were NOT very good about setting boundaries in a few areas which I intend to change and am slightly concerned about what the AP will describe as the normal state of affaris.

What would you do?

I think:

Tell the AP who is coming that the job is not exactly the same so the specifics of the job may not be that useful
Warn current AP not to discuss pay as it will be different

What kind of boundary issues are there? IME au pairs want to know you're nice people, won't overwork them, possibly about language classes, social scene, how comfy the bed is, what the children are really like and what duties are involved.

If you make it clear the duties are changing (along with anything else) then APs will hopefully be able to discuss things which aren't related to those IYSWIM.

This girl is going to do about seven hours a week less than our current one does.

The way I was planning to handle certain things we wanted to subtly change is by craftily saying: we had this previous arrangement with our AP and it worked well. Even when it may be stretching the truth a teeny weeny bit. But I thought it might be a diplomatic way to get my point across. But this will be less possible if the AP has given her an account of how things 'work.'

Anyway the surefire way to convince her we're crazy is to deny access so that's not an option, now that she's asked.

I think that depends what the arrangements you want to change are IYSWIM.

If it's hanging around with you in the evening then the last thing you want to do is say 'ah well, in the evening we had this arrangement where X didn't bother us and it worked well'...

What comes across better is '2 evenings a week you are welcome to join us, but only if you want to but the other evenings we like to keep free to have friends/have a date night/whatever and I'm sure you'll have better things to do than hang around with us oldies anyway' (laugh and hand her a list of local phone numbers).

So IMO it's quite dangerous to say 'this is the arrangement we used to have'. Be upfront and say this is the way it's going to be, sod the way you used to do things.

I think you're right actually. cheers for the feedback.

HTS