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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

So how long would you put up with a mindee if he were hurting your own child?

17 replies

woahthere · 09/06/2010 21:48

I have been minding a little boy for 4 months now. Since the day he started he has been throwing things around, hitting etc. I have tried everything but he is still doing it, he bites my son all the time, once drawing blood, he throws things at my sons head...hard things and he hits him. Im just baout ouot of ideas about how to stop it. He doesnt do it to other children, just my boy and I swear my boy does not provoke and is so lovely to the little one it makes me want to weep.
All of this may make it seem that the little one hates my son...on the contrary, he seems to really like him but cant express himself properly. Its like my son is a magnet for his mouth, fists, heavy objects. Its honestly weird. My son will just walk past him and the little one will be baring his teeth and his head snarls to him but it almost doesnt seem conscious! Its because of this and the fact that he doesnt seem to be doing it on purpose that Ive stuck with it, plus the Mum has always been really supportive of all action we try and take. Unfortunately none of it seems to be working and I dont know how much longer my son should have to wait for the boy to grow out of it. Help please!

OP posts:

fp10 · 09/06/2010 22:12

I think it's time to find somewhere else for the boy. You have tried all you can, and it's not like you can stop caring for your own son! Whatever it is that is setting this boy off, obviously it hasn't sorted itself in 4 months, so you've done what you can I think.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 09/06/2010 22:31

how old is he?

and what action do you take, what does your behaviour policy and house rules say?

You need to be like a hawk ready to intervene in a flash to deflect bites or blows; I appreciate that this can be tricky when you have other children there

he might have a scattering schema, and you could give him opportunities to throw and scatter safely

It might also be attention-seeking - he could have learnt that this behaviour pays out dividends every time he does it perhaps?

Numberfour · 10/06/2010 08:13

if you have tried everything that you can and find that you are dreading having the child and constantly on guard in case it happens, then call it quits. you are not a miracle worker!! don't beat yourself up about it (!)

good luck

nickschick · 10/06/2010 08:15

I think you must put your own child first in this situation.

Original poster

woahthere · 10/06/2010 12:30

He is 16 months old. I dont dread having him but I do worry about whether it is going to have an effect on my son in the long term. The trouble is that I have only got him for a few more months because the Mum is going on maternity leave (god help the newborn baby!) I really feel like I dont want to let them down at this stage...plus there is the money aspect! I had it suggested to me before about the scattering schema and trajectory schema, I provide lots of activities to support this...he plays in sand, water, cooked spaghetti, rolled oats, sticklebricks to scatter, large threading beads, lentils and beans to sprinkle, soft ball play. I have regular routine and keep him as occupied as I can but Icant hold onto him all the time (and he would kick off if I did!) I think ultimately it is attention seeking which is hard to take because he gets so much positive attention as it is. I tried very hard for a long time to not give him attention for the silly things and to turn it all towards my son when he got hurt. Unfortunately my son prefers to run away and sob by himself when he is hurt and so doesnt want me until hes over it. Also, how do you stop a big fuss from the child thats just got hurt.
Im really upset about it because Ive tried so hard and love little boy to bits. Also find it quite sad that its only my son he does it to! Like I say, I dont dread him coming but I am certainly shattered after looking after him and just recently I have started to feel quite cross with him and protective of my son so feel I am maybe mow being a bit more negative to him. Unfortunately the other children that I look after also keep saying stuff about him because they cant believe how much he tries to hurt my son either, I think we're all basically a bit sick of it but I do feel aware that I dont want him to feel ostracised for it.

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 10/06/2010 13:58

It's not a failure to call it a day, one could even think that being professional means knowing where to say enough is enough, the child might be happier in another setting

underpaidandoverworked · 10/06/2010 20:37

I've given notice for this before - 2yr old who terrorised my then 11 month old son to the point I one day had to ring grnadparents to come and take him out. I only had said child 2wks in total, but my son had to come first - after all, that was why I became CM, to be at home with him while mixing him with other children.

If you use NCMA contracts you don't need to give notice either, as there is something on the back of the contract that states that any notice period does not apply if the child in question is a danger to yourself or any other child in your care - including your own.

You haven't failed - perhaps the child needs a 1-1 setting. Good luck

MUM2BLESS · 10/06/2010 21:16

I feel it for you.

I was in a situation where I had a mindee who was at times very agressive towards other children, including mine, myself and sometimes biting herself.

It got so challenging at times that I thought to myself I can put up with this but why should I. I had to be very firm in my approach at times taking the mindee away from everyone. I eventually got the support of the parents in dealing with this. I had to be very vigilant, ensuring that I observed and corrected all unacceptable behaviour.

I would have terminated the contract if the behaviour had continued. That was a while ago. All that has stopped.

You need to be very firm. Its not fair that your son should have to put up with this. The last thing you want is your son lashing out because of this. It can become stressful for your son. How old is your son?

I find that the easiest children to deal with are the ones whos parent are firm and consistant with the way their deal with their children. It also helps if the parent talk to the child about their behaviour when they are with you.

If you decide to continue to look after the mindee you need to set some firm boundries and get the parents to support you even more.

pippin26 · 10/06/2010 21:23

Sorry been there done that - that child would not get a particuarly long chance in my house.
I would terminate the contract under clause 28 or somthing like that.

fp10 · 12/06/2010 11:16

Perhaps the aggression towards your son is because he is YOUR son, ie he is hitting out at the 'competition', so to speak. If it is that, then maybe a CM without their own children, or older children would be a better setting for this child.

lollipopmother · 12/06/2010 16:05

I've seen you comment a couple of times about this mindee whoathere and I really really think that it's time for you to cancel the contract (I said that before but now I really think it's time!!).

Every CM knows that all young mindees get a little bit bash-happy with toys every now and again but it really is that, every now and again, not every time you breathe! Biting is not acceptable at any point ever imo and for it to be a regular thing is a reason in itself to kick him to the curb. Cancel the contract, your son comes first before anyone elses son and it really shouldn't come down to you to have to look after someone who is physically abusing your little boy. The mum knows her boy is a pita as you've been consulting her for a while now so it'll be no shock to her and it shouldn't be any concern of your either. Cancel cancel cancel!

StarExpat · 12/06/2010 17:25

whoathere Poor you.
If it helps at all, if it were my dc doing this at the cm, I would do whatever I could to stop it, but if it couldn't be stopped then I'd prefer the cm tell me it's just to much and move him. I'd really feel awful sending him each day thinking this might happen again and again... making it miserable for another child.

My first reaction was, how horrible, my child would never do something like this so thank goodness I won't have to worry about it but after a moment's reflection and realization that, actually, you just never know what your dc is going to get up to as they grow. We do our best, but sometimes these things happen, I guess.

StarExpat · 12/06/2010 17:27

I muddled up my last sentence - you get the point. And spelled (spelt?? I'm American I don't know the "t" endings) your name incorrectly woahthere is what I meant.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 12/06/2010 17:30

Emotionally probably about 5 minutes.

autodidact · 12/06/2010 17:35

He's very young to be behaving like this, isn't he? How old is your son?

Original poster

woahthere · 13/06/2010 10:34

Do you think there is anything other than normal stuff that could be causing htis kind of behaviour, like do you think there might ba anyhting wrong with him? He is a bit mad, he doesnt have a lot of awareness of danger and is quite happy to climb on a sofa and just jump with no safety net so to speak.
My son is 2 1/2 autodidact, yes he is young to be behaving like this, thats why I havent cancelled contract before because Ive kept thinking, hes only a baby and will grow out of it and I'll try and change his habits...but Ive not managed it

I dont think the Mum would be surprised at all if I cancelled the contract (I think shes probably surprised I havent already!) Its very difficult though because shes going off on mat leave anyway soon. I think I know what Im going to do, I think Im going to say I'll have him until she goes off and then thats it...there is no point him going to a different cm now, it would be a nightmare for them to find someone and horrid for him as well. Yes I have made my decision! I am seriously starting to question my ability as a cm though. I had one baby that screamed solid for 3 weeks and as a result left. This one has been bash happy ever since he started. Thing is, I know Im a good Mum, my kids are pretty ace, Im wondering if Im doing somehting wrong with the cm kids. Actually Im being silly I think because I have had other children that have been brilliant with me and all of my older ones are brilliant too. I just have had a run of bad luck I think.

OP posts:

autodidact · 13/06/2010 11:23

I'm not sure, tbh, woah. I think most 16 month olds are pretty oblivious to danger and it can be a frustrating time because understanding and talking haven't caught up with newish mobility skills. It does sound a bit unusual for a baby that young to be targetting a particular child though. Difficult one. Is it possible he's very bright? The worst behaved baby I ever met was like that because she was so clever that she went through the terrible 2s test all the boundaries phase at least a year early, I believe. Her poor mum was beside herself but by about 20 months when all the rest of us were seeing the very first signs of the terrible twos her little girl was a totally well-behaved charmingskins.

Think you are doing the compassionate and lovely thing by keeping him on, btw. Can you teach your son to steer clear of him and say "NO X" very firmly if targetted?

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