If you had the choice whether or not to have childcare in this situation, would you?

[Hopefully]

Already posted this in parenting, so apologies if you see it twice, but am desperate for opinions!

I'm having a total dilemma, not about whether I should work or not work, but whether it's better for DS to be at some kind of childcare or at home with me.

Basically, I am self employed and my hourly rate equates to pretty much that of my childminder, so when I work I am more or less just working to pay for the break, iykwim.

Now, the catch is, I really love what I do (don't mind doing it for free, essentially), but I also love looking after DS - neither holds a particular sway in terms of that argument. I can (and often do already) work a couple of evenings a week, so I wouldn't have to stop work entirely if I stopped DS's childcare, so the whole career progression (such as it is, being self employed) wouldn't be an issue.

The big issue is really whether he is better of at the childminder's than he is at home. He is 20 months, so I guess beginning to benefit from the socialising aspects (CM has two other mindees, one a couple of months older than DS and one a couple of years older, and they go to a couple of groups with her as well), but if I had him at home more I would make more effort to go to local toddler groups etc, of which there are many. He is at the CM 2 days a week, and we only go to one group during the three days I have him at the moment.

We are currently TTC, but without much success (stupid broken body). When I give birth he will almost certainly have to stop going to the CM for a while at least, as we cannot afford to send him while I'm not earning. If I do ever get pregnant the plan would be to stop him a couple of months before I give birth, so it doesn't all come at once. Pregnancy with DS was very easy, so I'm not too worried about needing a break from him, assuming there are no dramas with next pregnancy.

DS has been going to CM since he was 8 months, and is generally pretty happy there, as far as I can tell. Sometimes cries when dropped off, sometimes rushes in without a backward glance.

So, bearing in mind that the choice is basically whether DS would be better off at home or at the CM, would you send your DC to childcare if it was entirely down to where they would be best off rather than any financial/personal considerations? Any opinions much appreciated, before I go into complete meltdown with this!

I think children at that age would always prefer to be with their parents given the choice, and "socialisation" isn't really important yet - but if he's happy at the childminders and you enjoy the break then personally I would send him for the 2 days.

It depends on your son. Mine loves having other children to play with.

There is another consideration. Lots of people go through a period when they seem to be working simply to pay the childminder but it also means that your customer base is current and so when your DC goes to school, you are still in your job and can go back to earning a sensible living without too much trouble.

I am a childminder of ten years experience and IMHO there is no contest!

Enjoy every minute you can with you LO. Explore the world together. I know if feels like you have years ahead of you to enjoy him but it goes in a flash. He can get plenty of social input from your friends' children, at the park, toddler groups with you, etc. he doesn't need to learn to be independent of you at this age.

You sound like a wonderful mum and you are who he needs when he's little. You can give better cuddles than even the best childminder because they are mummy-cuddles. You aren't restricted by rules and regs, you can be totally spontaneous because there is only you and him to consider.

I would only think again if you wanted to keep him settled there in case you have to put him in childcare in the future.

If the question is whether a child is better off at home with mum or in childcare I would always say a happy loving home is better by far than even the most outstanding childcare.

HTH

I personally would let him keep going, assuming he enjoys it and you are happy with CM.
You could always try to change the hours to say 3 mornings rather than two full days. That way it's not such long days but if it means you get some peace to work for a bit you'll be more rested (especially if you get pregnant) to do things with him.

Also, not sure what work you do but you could still do some work whilst he naps and in the evening so even if you do stop him going to childminder it doesn't mean you can't work at all....

Has something brought this to a head?

Thanks for your thoughts so far!

Cazzr a couple of things have brought it to a head. Firstly,I'm working about 17 hours a week some weeks in order to cover 14 hours childcare, which isn't a huge problem if I decide that childcare is the right place for him, but is a little silly if it's not actually benefitting anyone. Secondly, one of the main reasons I put him in childcare was basically that I needed a break, and he's a very different person from the grumpy little 6 month old I was desperate to offload for a few hours a week! (I'm such a fabulous mother...)

Al1son that's kind of what I'm thinking, but I have so many people saying that basically, as long as it's not a problem, why not send him, that I don't really know any more!

I am also feeling awfully bad about leaving my childminder when she's so brilliant and has done such a fabulous job looking after DS for the past year. I kind of think I should keep his space there as I might never find such a good CM again. But then, I might not actually need a CM again, so I'm just keeping the space because she's nice.

I'm getting dizzy going round in all these circles...

Hopefully: I personally would LOVE not to work and to have time with my DS, that said I suspect there might be times when I'd like a bit of time to myself too (other than in the evening i mean).
Do you have much other support around you? Do you have many friends who also have kids, family etc?

If you are working just to pay the CM and you'd love to have more time with your DS then it's a simple answer for me...
If you wanted top up money you could still do some evening work/work when he naps and you won't feel so stressed if you don't have work for a while as you won't have that bill to worry about..

Bear in mind when he turns 3 he'll have preschool where he'll get plenty of socialising and it's free!

Oh and lastly, you ARE a fabulous mother!

I would talk to your childminder, say you're not sure what to do but feel it's silly to work for nothing and miss out on time with your ds, would she be available for 1 morning a week or 1 day a week on an ad-hoc basis? As a childminder myself I know this might not be possible as it's likely if she is as fab as you say that she will fill his place fairly quickly so be prepared that she may not be able to afford to keep a place open for so few hours (I know I couldn't do it)

We have plenty of friends locally, and although our parents aren't exactly local, they come and visit plenty. Oh, and my sister's just down the road. So we're not exactly short of company.

All your thoughts have been much appreciated. I still haven't made a decision, but I'm feeling more confident that whichever way we choose will be OK...

i think i would keep him at home, and im a childminder, only becase i love having my kids home :D thats the reason i am self employed xx

I'd keep him at home if I was you, he's too young to really benefit from the social aspects and you should appreciate the time with him alone (before no. 2 comes along ).

(nb I'm CMing because it meant I didn't have to put my own son into childcare - if I didn't have to work then I wouldn't!)

I don't think 'why not send him?' is a good enough reason to give up on all that time together. Can't see any benefit to him being there and I can see enormous benefit in him being with you. Are you able to judge what your DS's opinion would be?

Why don't you sit down with piece of paper split into pros and cons of childcare for your DS and see what you can come up with. My guess is that being with you will come out on top.

I'd be interested to hear what you conclude.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts!

After much soul searching, i've decided to take him out of childcare. I realised that a large part of the reason was simply not wanting to let down my CM, as she's so lovely, which frankly is not the best reason for compromising our family situation.

I'm really excited about being able to be with DS full time again! That will probably last about a week after he comes out of childcare, then I'll be desperately hunting for more childcare

Enjoy!
I have to confess to being a little bit jealous. I really enjoyed that time with mine - would love to go back and do it again.

Hopefully I too ended up leaving work since we were paying for me to work at the end of the day. Childcare was equal to my pay but then travel expenses, lunches, work clothes etc started to sneak up the cost of going to work and DH and I decided it was best for me to be SAHM.

I felt/still sometimes feel guilty at being SAHM but DH now points out (along with MIL shockingly as she is NOT my no 1 fan!!!) that it is what WE decided as a family that matters and we are surviving on one income for now.

All the girls I know personally (not that many) went straight back to work and are always asking "when ARE you going back to work" which makes me feel guilty sometimes as they go on about how much more social and "further on" than my LO their's are (which is totally untrue as my LO is fine developmentally and a real wee chatterbox) so I am not sure why they say these things. Some friends.

I am personally glad you have decided to be a FT mum to your LO as it really makes me feel like I made the right decision for us too. I have been watching your thread and was convinced you would NOT choose to give up child care since I seem so unusual in our group of acquaintances.

All the very best with your LO and I hope you really love your quality time together. They are so amazing at this age!

Hopefully I'd hazard a guess that your friends want to think that their children are progressing better at nursery because they have some guilt issues about sending them. There is a lot of talk about the damage done by/benefits of putting children in childcare at a young age. I guess they are trying to make themselves feel better rather than make you feel bad.

Hopefully: well done on your decision, I'm envious of you.

Paranoid1stTimer I also have friends who love pointing out how my son would benefit from nursery, as their children are much more aggressive more advanced than my son. I don't agree and luckily the research is on my side. I agree with Al1son and think its more about justifying their own decisions to go back to work, I think that they feel threatened by me not doing so - I'm too nice to tell them that though.