need advice - should i use sister with special needs kid as childminder

[ajnnngs]

I was delighted when my sister offered to look after my son when I go back to work in December he will turn 1 then. The problem is she has a special needs child 12 who is able bodied but not really in control of himself. He can be quite aggressive at times. I am very close to him and he is over in my house at least one night a week and stays over too and he obviously loves my new wee man.

When I say aggressive he can be mean to my other nephews and nieces nipping and punching for no real reason and he can launch objects across rooms and at windows and mirrors. Though noone has been seriously hurt by him. We all just deal with the behaviour as best as we can. For some reason in my house he is as good as gold. But I am under no illusions about him. I always keep very close to my baby when he is about.

I will need childcare 3 days as I hope my husband will be able to do 1 day but that is not confirmed. My sister would really love to childmind for baby. My sister and brother have told me that neither of them would have their baby in the same house as my sn nephew. To them it is just not worth the risk.

But I have looked at nurseries and am not keen. I would prefer a childminder but feel if i go elsewhere i will really offend my sister and i know she is a great mum and would do her best by my baby. She has had my other son after school the last 2 years he is 12 now. He loves her house.

I do have a niggling fear but also may be over protective. it would be more convenient for me and maybe a slight bit cheaper but she is not offering for finacial gain really to help me out and cos she wd enjoy having a wee baby to spoil for a bit. I also have budgeted for childcare costs so not really a factor for me.

I would appreciate any advice shoud i and if not how to handle my sister and wd it be ok to choose another childminder

I think you need to do whats comfortable and right for you and your baby.
As a minder, i personally would think twice about minding for family - there is a business relationship there which can be really difficult to have with family and close friends. I think you both need to really think this through - putting your relationship onto a business level. perhaps this could be the excuse you could use - you are worried that there could be differences of opinion, resulting in potential contractual issues etc that could sour your family ties blah blah etc. You may feel uncomfortable paying your sister blah blah. but you are happy to take her recommendations about her colleagues etc etc. you could then put the suggestion in that she would see your baby at her colleagues and you could arrange special days - away from a minding context where your baby is cared for by your sister so you can have a pamper day etc. Just some suggestions for you.

You could talk to your sister and express your concerns. I presume that she cares for other children as well as her son? how does she 'manage' with other children present - have there been any incidents that you know of with the son and mindees? if you are going to have a business relationship with your sister in this manner then i think you have the right to ask. Although i am guessing your nephew will be out at school during the days?

perhaps its because you have witnessed your nephew at his worst (as all kids are within the family boundaries) that you are worried more.

Its no different to going to another minder however and she could potentially care for other children who have behavioural challenges or special needs. its all about how the minder includes all children and ensures everyones safety and well being.

Hi thanks for you reply. My sister has 5 great kids from 10 to 18. She isn't a registered childminder, and feels that with her sn child that might be difficult. She has been minding my other sisters children for a couple of hours after school who are older and if baby was older it would be an easier choice. She also wd look after othe nieces and nephews on occasion as we wd all help each other out.

My gut feel is no as baby so small but part of me wants to take the more convenient option and thinks i may be overreacting!

Everyone manages cos we all love my nephew and he is very loving and good fun and just himself. He is not as demanding in ways as he has got older which is why my sister at last can take on other commitments

I might suggest i am concerned she is already quite fully committed and what would help me more would be if she could act as back up if i needed her on occasion rather than my number 1 childcare option. i hate not being open or honest though.

She does watch out for others safety. in truth most of the aggressive behaviour is aimed at my sister

I would go with your gut instinct, With experiance and hindsight have found my gut instinct was right.
as Pippin says working with family and friends in my experiance can be difficult,and again with experiance can make or break, especially friendship.
And also if I were your sister, I would be looking at the legal side of things, as I thought if you look after children for more than 2 hours a day and being paid you could get in to trouble? I might have this wrong However, but Im sure someone will be a long to put you right on this

for family i dont think that rule applies as long as its just family children she is careing for

You need to make sure you are comfortable with your decision to leave your little one with your sister.

I would say thank you for offering but i have choosen to ...... If for example anything should happen whilst your baby was in her care how would this affect your relationship with your sister, who sounds really lovely and so caring. You dont want that to change.

If not totally at peace look for alternative care.

I talked to my sister and told her I had decided against using her and why and she was ok saying it freed here up but that any time i needed cover she would help. She has been fine with me since. Thank goodness! Baby now enrolled in a local creche so fingers crossed its ok!!