Help - Nanny and daytrips

[Pookybelle]

I returned to work last month. We employed a nanny to take care of our two DSs (3 and 1) for the three days that I am at work. She is our first nanny and we are therefore new to all of this. She caught me a little off guard during her first couple of weeks because she asked me three times if I was happy for her to take my children to playdates with her nanny friends who live local to her - a 40 min drive away. I said no because I didn't like the idea of her driving my children across two counties when there was lots to do locally. Also other families from our street and from DS1s nursery have been fantastic and invited her around on playdates. Today she asked if she could take them to meet her friends in some park by train! It would be a long train journey with at least one change. I wouldn't even attempt it with my children. Again I said "no" and this time I felt forced to say that I didn't feel that I knew her well enough yet to allow such a big day trip. I do feel quite strongly that I don't want her taking them all over the place in order to meet her friends. I would be happy for her to make friends in our town and have playdates with them as long as my DSs seemed happy with this. However, I am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I was wondering how other Mum's would feel about day trips miles away from their home?

Pooky - I'm a nanny of 13 years, and have been asked to keep activities local in my new-ish job. I have no problem with that - and we're having fun playing with local friends and exploring the local area.

My employers reasoning was there is no point taking the children further afield than necessary, and my friends charges live too far away (about an hour) for close friendships to develop so would prefer playdates with school/nursery friends. This makes perfect sense.

The only thing that would make me think twice is that you've basically said you don't trust her - obviously you don't really know her yet and so are cautious, but as an employee I would be a little taken aback by this.

Meant to say - regardless of others opinions - these are your children, and you can make any rules you want. It's a nannies job to parent in your absence in a way you see fit imho.

I never took my charges to meet my nanny friends, only friends i made from that job iyswim. She should make friends with other nannies in your area, you're paying her to look after your kids not to meet her friends. She shouldn't keep asking you she should have got the message that you're not comfortable with the travelling. Plus you don't know these people and there's no need to be so far from home woth such little children.

I agree with drinkyourmilk. Your nanny can meet up with her friends outside of working hours any time she likes, or you could suggest that she meets with her friends and their charges local to you.

Also, speaking as a nanny, as far as I'm concerned it's part of the job to investigate local activities and find friends close to home. Nobody wants to travel for miles unnecessarily, especially over summer.

If she's new to working in the area and maybe a bit shy, she might just be struggling to make nanny friends locally so is relying on old friends.

If you don't want her taking them on long journeys then you should sit her down and go through your preferences about where they go. However, saying you don't trust her enough to take them on long trips was maybe not the most sensitive way to broach this.

I was aware that it did not sound sensitive but she did ask me right at the end of the day when both children where trying to get my attention as well. I have tried to say no in more sensitive ways but she does not seem to be understanding that I don't feel happy with it. I would be very happy to hear some suggestions for more sensitive ways to say no. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't feel that it is right to say yes in order to save her feelings. I am also a little frustrated by the cheekiness of the request which also impacted on my ability to say no more nicely.

Have you outlined any ground rules about where she can take them? Might be better to just say you don't want her to leave your town, rather than her asking every time.

Sadly, I had already said that before. I think that she meant just not driving out of town - thus the train request.

I think its quite an unreasonable thing to suggest doing with your children TBH.
It's clearly not for their benefit and that is why you employ a nanny I am assuming - to provide one to one care and attention for your children whilst you work.
It can be difficult to meet new nannies when you start a job but you have to try for the sake of the children. In my current job I cannot stand her friends nannies but she needs to play with her friends and so I just have to swallow it and behave professionally.
The other issue is will she expect you to pay the costs of these ventures?
As the parent you get the final say over issues like this. Could you put the points to her? There have been some good ones made here.

Currently your nanny is in their probation period so it's quite natural for you to be nervous about them going too far with your children.
Sounds like you are lucky in having things local to you that your nanny could do... I work in a small village so to do anything I need to travel several miles.
Once probation is over then you will have more trust in your nanny and thus have more confidence that your nanny will be doing things that are of benefit to your children.

she did ask me right at the end of the day when both children where trying to get my attention as well.

Perhaps you need to implement some kind of communication method that does not occur at the end of the day. For example, you could have a notebook in which you write each other messages.
At work I use e-mail, Twitter, Google Calendar and text messages to communicate with my boss. It works for us as we can both respond to things via those methods as and when we have the time. Today I was told verbally about something which Google had texted me about earlier that day (as my boss had added the Event to the Google Calendar). The verbal telling was not necessary but was useful as a way of checking that I had got the calendar update (technology does not always work, many things are still in Beta testing).

Find something that works for you and your nanny... be that an electronic solution, paper based or a specific time each week to have a meeting.

I think you need to sit down with her, when the kids are otherwise occupied and talk through this. Ask her why she is so intent on this. Is it something she thinks will benefit the children - or something for her (seems like the latter to me!). Obviously, all nicely - but I think I would say that you are happy for her looking after them in your own area but there seems little need for them to be on 40 minute trips when they are so little. It's all a little odd and somewhat unprofessional of her IMO.

I go on trips which are often 30 minute or more (have been known to go a good hour to hour and a half drivetime away). If a child says they want to sit in a Helicopter, see a Castle, go on a boat, there are not that many places it can be done.

However when my boss interviewed me I made it clear that I was an out-and-about nanny, I like going places and feel it is beneficial for children when they are young... as you can't do it once they are school age as easily (or as low costly... seeing that Under'5s can often get free entry to places).

Road trips can be educational in themselves... when aged 4 one of the children I care for liked Road Signs so much, I got him a book full of road signs which he would flick through as we went on our trips - he now knows a lot of road signs. 2 year old currently loves saying Bridge every time we go under one... and points out things he sees through the window such as animals, diggers and tractors, will sometimes play the game of saying the colour of each vehicle that passes.

As long as your children are getting something out of a trip, then I don't see the trip in itself as being something bad. Children love going on trains, a bus, in fact any kind of transport.

Playdates at the other nannies place of work however I would not feel is appropriate. Far better to arrange to meet at at a place... museum for example... so the children get to socialise and get learn about history, culture.

Meeting up in a park is also quite good... though not sure I'd go on two trains to do that! I do meet other childcarers in a park about a 10 mile distance away... the children can safely walk once in the grounds (Windsor Great Park is rather big, so we do a 1 mile route from a carpark to a cafe and playground) and we have done it since the youngest was a baby. It's a social event plus once they are walking they get exercise as well. It's also exercise for me and a brief time with adults to chat to... as nannying can be a very lonely job.

You need to trust your nanny. It's early days at the moment so that trust needs to be built up. So restricting how far your nanny travels with your children is fine... once you trust your nanny more then consider relaxing the restriction so that your children get to go places where they wouldn't usually go with you. That's one of the good things about having someone else care for them, they learn about things that they may not learn with you. You may not want to take your children to a Castle, on a Steam Train, to a Farm... but your nanny might and your children might enjoy the trip and learn things they don't learn at home. Seeing a cow being milked is quite different to seeing a cow in a picture book.

Consider this... if your nanny had requested to meet another nanny at a Children's Farm... would you permit that trip? As it's early days the answer to that may be No... but in 3 or 6 months time... would it still be No?

So, she asked you three times when she started, she waited a while (few weeks?) and asked again at a fairly inappropriate time (end of day, handover, kids wanting your attention)?

I would be annoyed that she kept asking me something I had already answered clearly several time. And, I would most likely snap at her in those circumstances. Not syaing it's right, but certainly understandable.

What I would do next is make a list of friends names, a list of local places/activities to go to, and would even talk to one of the DC's friends and arrange a playdate and then suggest nanny call friend's mum/nanny and finalise the details. So, I would help by presenting opportunities to get out and about locally. But, I would also clearly reiterate the "no" previously given and would probably also tell her that I hoped not to answer this question again.

When I was a young child, I used to employ this tactic to get what I wanted. I would ask for cookie. My mum would say no. I would ask again, and again, and again, and she would give in and give me the cookie. AS an employer I would not accept this tactic in my professional employee.

Agree with strix.

And she is probably lonely and nervous about meeting new people (or maybe she doesn't want to meet new people), but she needs to find other nannies in your area if she wants playdates/socialising.

And I think of course you should trust your nanny after you get to know him/her, but that doesn't mean that you have to just let her do whatever she wants with your kids. They're your kids, and you're paying her to look after them and do what you consider to be appropriate. If she can't do that, she's not the nanny for you.

She's being quite cheeky.

Agree with all the sensible comments above.

I had a nanny who would take my 2+3 year old children on a 2 hour round trip on a bus to see her best friend, who had much older children in a different school. She did this once a week (in a 3 day a week job). She also met up with her other nanny friends all the time, regardless of children's ages or schools, and had long lunches in nice restaurants on my credit card, all within 2 months of employment, before I had any idea what was going on. So don't worry, you're not alone in this problem! Just don't be a mug like I was and don't put up with a situation you're not happy with. I think it's totally understandable to be annoyed at the way your nanny is handling this issue.

There are lots of good advice above about how to deal with this issue, but what I found is that, in the end, if nanny is sociable and wants to do long trips to meet up with her old friends, and you stop that, she isn't going to be happy.

And if she isn't happy, then that's not going to be good for anyone, so you'd terminate her contract, right?

As a peace offering you might want to extend an invitation for her friends to come to your house for a play date ONCE IN A WHILE. If the travel is apain they soon stop coming. Problem solved.

Another thing I might do is sign my children up for an activity (singing, dance, tennis, swimming, etc.) and I'd look for one that was likely to have other similar aged children with nannies.

My kids are older (5 and 7) but I especially like to do this anyway because I hate swimming and the kids love it. So, I arraqnge for them to go with nanny.

Totally agree wit u Strix -
think your nanny would really appreciate you offering to have her nanny friends and their charges over at your house because it still demonstrates trust!

I've been a nanny for 6yrs and now work as a nanny with own child. I still keep in contact with a lot of my old nanny friends even though we all live within 30-60mins drive away.
I meet at a weekly playgroup with the ones who are local to my place of work and occasionally (say once a month or so), we all take it in turns to host a playdate at each others houses/places of work or do a special farm/museum trip etc(there are 6 nannies in total - and 3 of us take our children to work).

Weneva I do start a new job I always make it clear to my employers that I am very much an out and about nanny - its fun and educational learning for children. I also let them know that I have lots of nanny friends with charges/their own children of similar ages and regularly kep in contact.

I would have taken the hint from your tone though and waited a little while longer to ask you again or ask to have a chat with you about it.

The best thing you can do is just sit down with her and have a good talk about it otherwise it'll just niggle away at you both!
Also what area are you? Maybe suggest to your nanny to sign up to nannyjob.co.uk as they have a message board for new and old nannies to meet and make friends.

Remember there is always a solution!

Best of luck!

im going to go against the grain here i dont think her driving 40mins is that bad to go on a play date (know how mn LOVES this word) but obv not to do it every week if only there 3 days

agree it would be nice to invite the nannies she knows over to your house - esp if children same ages

yes she needs to meet more local friends/nannies/mums but a trip on the train sounds fun (if you dont want her to drive) and just as you feel you cant cope on a traan, she prob can (not meant rudely)

i have taken baby/toddler and 5yr on a train no probs

i am a very sociable nanny and like nick ALWAYS make this clear at interviews and say that i go out and about to parks/beachs etc in holidays

i also keep in contact with mb/db via text/email and send pics of what kids are doing - which they love getting

i took my charges on my 3rd day into job to brighton beach for a picnic - was about hrs drive on motorway - and both mb/db fine about it,actually were thrilled kids had such a fab time

do you trust your nanny?

I also don't think a 40 min drive is unreasonable. Our nanny usually keeps it very local, but now and then she takes the children to visit her friends with children of a similar age in a completely different area of London (40 min drive away ish). I have no problem with it.

However, I do think that your nanny should respect your wishes.

I wouldn't drive an hour to a playdate but I would think it was perfectly reasonable thing to do to drive to an age appropriate activity/attraction as a day trip kind of thing. I used to drive my last charges back into the city for the day to go to the childrens museum and meet up with their old friends for the day. My bosses were fine with that. In fact they encouraged me to take the kids on day trips during the week as they behaved way better for me and they didn't have to deal with temper tantrums on the weekends as the kids were happy to be home with their parents!

I think you need to communicate your wishes more firmly to your nanny and come to an agreement on how far away she can take the children and then let her research appropriate activities within the area. A good nanny will find lots to do, and with a bit of initiative and imagination even the most rural area can provide local fun!