Au-Pair leaving and is giving up - help!

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I've struggled along with my AP since September and she has been quite hard work. For the sake of the children I have agreed that AP can stay until July. During the summer I don't need an AP, and in Sept I intend looking for a new AP (with the benefit of more experience and some sound Mumsnetters advice on this board )

However, AP has decided she loves the UK, wants to stay here and ideally wants to stay with our family. I told her that it wasn't possible, but I would do whatever I could to help her look for a new job. (She wants to work in a bar or do waitressing). However she now seems to have given up trying with our family, and tries to get away with doing as little as possible and worse still she has begun shouting and losing her patience with the children . Considering she has max of 3 hours sole charge per day of the children I feel that she should be able to control her temper.

I KNOW I have to talk to her about this - but would appreciate some guidance on the best way to handle this without threatening her or being unreasonable.

Do you need her to stay til the end of the school term?

TBH I would start by writing down a list of things that you don't like/can't cope with.

Do you have a written list of duties you can go through with her? And then when you're sat down having a chat you can bring up her attitude to the children.

If you have a written list and a plan you're less likely to say something unreasonable/threaten her. Just be calm and consistent, tell her what you expect and what you will and won't accept. If she doesn't take it well just put the conversation on hold and come back here for advice.

Get rid.

Do you need to have her stay until July or is it just for consistency for the children? If you do not absolutely depend on her for childcare, I would get rid of her if possible. I realise that with many aupairs now having employee status, this may not be particularly quick, if you have to go through a disciplinary process, but perhaps even starting that would make her pull up her socks. Perhaps you could say that your requirements have changed or that you are going to do all the childcare yourself and make her redundant without the nastiness of having to go through a disciplinary.

If you do need her to stay, I would sit down with her and nicely point out that she does not seem to be enjoying her time with the children and that she cannot and must not continue shouting at the children. You might also point out that even though she is looking for a different kind of job in future in the UK, you are presumably her only UK-based reference and may well be approached by future employers.

You have my sympathy. It is difficult enough to broach these subjects sometimes without then having to face the person over the breakfast table the next day and leave your children in their charge afterwards!

I think if she's been employed for less than a year, it's pretty easy to get rid of her so long as the reason isn't discriminatory.

I also agree that if you are relying on her, let what you can slide for the sake of peace but you have to say something about her losing her temper with the children. Ann's point about her still needing you as a good reference is a good one.

I need her to stay until the end of the summer term (July), and would like her to stay until then for the sake of consistency for the children. She always knew July was her end date even when taking the job in the first place.

I wanted (and should have) got rid of her at Easter but felt a bit sorry for her and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe the break over Easter may bring her back refreshed. I was also not so keen on settling with a new AP for just 1 term, so decided to stick with it.

Frakkin - i do have a written list which was always part of her au-pair pack. Unfortunately that didn't seem to work so on your suggestion, I gave her a tick list also. However, there is always something still not done or needs me to constantly remind her. I'm tired of doing it as it is a bit wearing and I hate always having to be on top of her.

Annh - I like your suggestion and will point out that she does not seem to be enjoying her time with the children and listen to what she has to say.

Hmm tough. I can see that you wouldn't want someone for the summer term but if you've tried the list, the tick list, reminding her etc then there's not a lot left. You've done everything that can reasonably be expected so if it's possible to find someone I would replace her.

If you really can't face doing that I'm afraid you may just have to suck it up until July. I would still try a last ditch chat, pointing out that you will be her UK based reference and people will be interested in how thoroughly she does her duties, her attitude towards her work, how competent she is at various things around the house, how well she manages herself etc. A comment about demonstrating maturity will probably stand you in good stead for the second part of the conversation...

However the attitude towards the children is not on and definitely needs to be tackled.

Again, be calm, consistent and try to remain reasonable. You are the one in the right here and you know it. She probably knows it to so it'll be an uncomfortable conversation for her but that's just tough. If she has any sense she'll remember what you said in part 1 and handle it maturely. If not then you're entirely justified in providing a not-great reference as you've tackled the issues with her, made reasonable adjustments and she hasn't improved.