CMs - WWYD in this situation?

[looneytune]

Where do I start?????!!!! Towards the end of last year I took dh on as an assistant and increased the number of children we cared for. Since then, we've decided that it's best if I work alone so for the last month I've been doing just that. I wanted to let down as few families as possible and because everyone wanted to stay, I wrote to Ofsted asking for a variation to my numbers. I now have 4 under 5s every day but different children on different days/times. Basically, I'm allowed any mix of children as long as they were original mindees (they have a list of all names).

All my under 5s are aged just turned 3 and under, some days I have ages 21 months, 22 months, 23 months & 2.5 and it's fine apart from when I have one particular mindee. This mindee is a little boy very similar age to my ds2 (both nearly 2 years old). Both are nightmares for climbing, running off etc. so the 2 mornings I have both boys, it's very stressful.

This little mindee is LOVELY and his family are fab too. I just wish my ds2 wasn't the same as him as I'd cope fine with just 1 of these types . I've been given 4 under 5s LOADS of times, never been a problem before. It's only because of this phase they are both going through (and have been for months) that now I'm back to working on my own, I'm not sure if I should carry on with that mindee. At the end of the day, I'd have had to stop if Ofsted hadn't given a variation anyway.

If I stop with this little one, one of the others this age (but totally fine) can take over the hours and it would also mean 1 less EYFS file plus no rushing back for half day children (currently these 2 days I have a switch of mindees ay 1pm, if I just had the other one, they'd come all day).

I'm totally torn between my head and my heart. My heart says I can't let them down (mum doesn't work atm but relies on me for respite for medical reasons) but my head says that I would be so less stressed, would have less paperwork, an easier mindee in their place and no restrictions with times.

WWYD? I feel awful about this but I have to look at the whole picture don't I. It's such a shame that it's SO hard on those 2 mornings

It is so difficult I know how diffcult it can be. I have gone along for years with a similar situation 4 under 5 for at least 4 days a week, 7.30am - 6pm, I struggled through, feeling very proud at what I acheived but struggled really badly with paperwork, which ate into my evenings and weekends (and holidays), most of the time felt totally knackered at the end of the day. I really thought I was coping, even when in tears at 11pm. I finally lost 2 of the siblings due to the parents moving away.

I am now down to "normal" numbers, it feels really strange, but good, I have more time, more energy, I have caught up with their EYFS learning journeys and am tackling some of the other backlogs. I probably would have never given them up voluntary, as I felt like you do, committed to the family, BUT with hindsight it has been the best thing that has happened to me for a while.

It really might be worth it for your own sanity.

Although DH will untactfully say to me "only got 2 or 3 today?" with the emphisis on ONLY, which makes me want to punch him

It's a tough one. I would probably be like you and battle on regardless, but it won't really do you, your family, or the other mindees any favours. Can't really advise I'm afraid, but try and look at the big picture before you decide, not just the one child. You could always offer to try and help the Mum find alternative respite care?

Looney I know exactly how you feel re letting parents down but hard mindees just aren't worth it in the long run.

You are a CM because you love looking after children and you want to play with them and spend time with them - when you have this mindee can you say that you do all of those things, do you love it, do you spend time with all of them, do you play with them and enjoy it?

If you can answer yes to all of that then maybe you're just going through a bad patch and it'll get better, but if you say no to those questions then it's time to say good-bye.

Just because you're a CM doesn't mean that you have to hate your job just to please the parents, especially if you could fill that space with someone you know will make you love your job again. You are self employed and one good thing about it is that you can pick and choose what work you do - you should take advantage of this perk because they are few and far between!!

I think you know what you need to do.

However I know how you fell about letting people down. Could you offer to take this little one at a different time, perhaps weekend if you work them.

You have stated pretty clearly all the reasons why you should give notice, personally I agree (been there) you will feel the weight of the world being lifted I assure you.

Good Luck x

looneytune, as a mother of a child that I send to a cm, I would be so grateful if you were honest and said you were finding it hard with your own the same age... I wouldn't ever want a cm looking after ds to feel stressed as you are and I would really appreciate your honesty saying it's just too much. SO much better than a cm who takes on as many mindees as possible just to get more money (I know this is not common, but it happens), which means kids are less supervised.
You just saying that it's harder work and more stressful shows how much attention you are giving all of the children in your care and your concerns show me that you really just want what's best for all of them, including the little boy you may give notice to.

Of course, I'd be sad to lose you because you sound really lovely, but it would be better in the long run for both you and the little boy.

go with your heart {smile] btw i have seen photos of your ds2 and he is a little climber dont think i could cope with 2 haha

RosieGirl - I know that feeling only too well (behind with paperwork etc!). But really, the other days are fine and in fact all week would be if it just wasn't for my ds2 and other mindee both being SO full on all the time as well as me having another 1 yr old and 2 yr old on top! about the ONLY comments from DH - I get that now when I 'only' have 3 little ones! LOL

HSMM - if I did offer, would you do part day spaces? Could also ask another minder I know who has spaces. As for battling on, I've always done this in the past but this time I actually worry about H & S issues PLUS I'm not able to give the others the same level of attention than I should and that's not fair on them.

Lollipop - very true, I know you're right.

atwork - yes, it's just so hard isn't it And he's sooooo lovely, if circumstances were different it would be a different story! I will not offer to help at weekends as I already work 7.30am - 6pm Mon-Fri, do quite a bit of overnight care, rush around all week and have 4 aged 3 and under every day plus the after schoolers and I NEED my weekends free for my family and my paperwork. Plus tbh, this mum needs the respite in mornings during weekdays (won't go into details why, I just know that's what they need). Hmmmm, this is so hard

StarExpat - thanks so much for giving a parents view. This is exactly what I hope, that if I decide to give notice, she understands these are the very reasons. I do not want to put money first and I'd be doing the same even if I didn't have a replacement mindee. I have to do what's fair to all the children plus to be confident I can keep them all safe. Just such a shame my own ds2 is so similar (the thing is he's not half as bad when it's not that mindee as the rest are girls and he tends to join in with prams/babies etc/ , when the boys are together they just seem to egg each other on!! LOL). I HAVE spoken to mum about it being hard so it won't come as a total surprise.

Dmo - those pics are nothing compared to the overall picture!! LOL Obviously those are the less dangerous 'climbs' / 'dives' etc. as otherwise I wouldn't have time to take a photo! LOL

Now, decisions, decisions.......I go away in 2 weeks so will not see this mindee for over 2 weeks. Do I leave it for now (= 3 more morning sessions as he's off sick today) and try again when we return to see if the break we've all had changes anything? Or do I sort it before, knowing that these boys will probably be going through this phase for a while to come yet? What I'd hate to do is have a break, him come back after not seeing us then need to leave???

Oh help me, I'm so flipping confused about what to do Hate to let ANYONE down!!

Again, as a parent I'd appreciate as much notice as possible. If you're away for 2 weeks, chances are, she's home with him for those 2 weeks (yes? if not, this may not work), so she will have that time to look for someone else... If you leave it, she'll have to find time to scramble around looking for a new cm around her work hours, which will be more hectic.
Personally, I'd rather have the time that I'm at home and not working to look for a new cm.

Thanks although she doesn't work, she's home when I have her lo. The notice period is 4 weeks whenever we speak about it. Was planning to speak to her today at pickup but he's not coming.

oh sorry, just reread that she uses a cm for medical reasons. Ok, well, she knows you're away for 2 weeks anyway, so she was planning on having him home, so maybe it would be good timing still for her to look for a new cm. She'll need to take her ds with her, so that will work out better, right? And it can sink and and she can think it through and when you return everything will have calmed (if there is any upset).

Thanks, that's what I'll do. What makes it SO much harder is that the dad was totally against using a childminder (he was treated terribly by one as a child ) but totally changed his mind after meeting me and we all get on great. I know other childminders who are great and this child would be fine but I know the parents would have a very hard time going through these emotions again. Suppose all I can do (if I can find someone I'd recommend who has spaces) is to reassure them that the person I'm giving details for is someone I know well and trust.

Oh that would be fab if you gave them the details of a couple others with spaces. You're really nice

That's what I'll do. Got one person who's happy for their number to be passed on. I want to tell them face to face but I won't see them until Tuesday. I hate stewing over things!!

How did it go, looneytune?

It is def the right thing to do! Hope you get a chance to do it at pick up!

Plan is to do in 10 mins at pickup as not seen them since I posted.

oh just realised today is Tuesday and you said you'd see them Tuesday. I thought it was already Wednesday.

Best of luck If she's a reasonable person, she'll understand your reasons and be so grateful for your suggestions for another cm.

Sure will be ok... fingers crossed xxx

She was fine, totally understood, we both cried a bit I've given 6 weeks as I'm away for 2 shortly so I wanted them to still be offered 4 weeks of actual care. I'm emailing a couple of recommendations too and they know what the child is like and are fine as they have less children and don't have their own child who's a problem LOL. I feel very sad but also relieved and I'm so happy they want to stay in our lives as she mentioned me saying what groups I go to so they can meet up with us etc. At the end of the day, they struggle with just this little on on their own so understand my reasons as I have 4 aged 2 and under or 3 and under each of those mornings and with one of the being my own little monkey, they can see why it would be so hard.

I AM going to miss this mindee as for all the stress involved, they are still adoreable and that I will miss.

Thanks everyone for helping me with this

fairimum - get on with that housework!!!! . Your lo is fast asleep now, hope your other little one is so you can clear that floor!! xxx

:P I am trying but had very grumpy 7 week old, who after finally feeding and settling, then threw up EVERYWHERE.... but he is now clean and sleeping so really now have NO excuse!

oh fab news, looneytune!
Good that you'll be able to see the mindee still, too!

I know, I'm really pleased it's all gone ok, such a relief as they're such a lovely family.

fairimum - you can come at 6pm instead if you want, I don't mind her being picked up with the rest x

I dont know how any of you cope with 4.. you are heroes.. 3 is quite enough for me..

well done looney.. you must feel a weight lifted now and can enjoy the day again...

LOL, I survive knowing there's a can of Stella waiting for me in the fridge at the end . No seriously, I couldn't have done it when I first started, guess you just get used to it, done it loads although I admit never had so many so young until this lot!

Yes, I do feel a huge weight lifted