Giving references?

[SnailWhaleTail]

Just a quick one - my AP was with us for 9 months and was fine for the first 6 but has been extremely petulent and badly behaved since. General stropping about, moodiness and slagging me off at nursery and to top it off she asked me to extend the notice period until the 14th May then told me at 9pm on 5th May that she was leaving at 0745 on 7th May instead.

BUT, for the first 6 months or so she was reliable, flexible and generally ok, not a hotshot at the cleaning but good with the kids. A nanny agency phoned me for a reference and I answered the questions honestly, said that she was good with the boys, took them to the library, park etc but when the agency lady asked if I found her mature I said not really and when asked if I would re employ her I said no, due to a 'personality clash'. We had a good chat and the agency thanked me for a fair and honest reference and asked if she could give prospective employers my number to give a reference.

I said that my details could be passed along but am not sure what to say to these people when I am still a bit cross with AP and was frankly thrilled to see the back of her. I don't want to damage her chances of getting a job, but on the other hand I can't recommend her wholeheartedly.

What to do?

Im sure loads of peeps in the know will be along to answer this.

I would give a very non committal reference.

She was reliable
She followed out tasks she was asked to do
The children liked her
She was good at blah blah

Avoid saying bad things!
For example if they say was she good at housework? My answer would be "she was ok when given direct instruction to do a particular task"

But often from a reference you can read alot between the lines. Use lots of OKs and alrights rather than brilliants and fantastics.

If asked if you would re-employer her say something along the lines of " as an aupair solely for caring for children eg no cleaning/ cooking involved then yes I would as childcare was her strength" or similar depending on her actual strengths.

As an ex-nanny/ mat nurse I do know from experience that not all childcarers work out for all families...sometimes the fit just isn't there! I PERSONALLY would (unless I thought the person dangerous or totally incompetent) never give a ref that may stop someone getting their next job. Just because she din't work out for you she may be the dream au-pair for her next family.

Obv I don't know the full story, only you can make that decision.

LS

I disagree! The moodiness as such wouldn't bother me as much as the fact that she was 'slagging you off' at the nursery. That would push me in the direction of not giving her a great reference.

You can say that you think she was a bit immature, especially for the latter part of the contract.

I wouldnt pull any punches if I were you, it sounds like she isnt cut out for the job... slagging you off at nursery isnt immature its an unforgivable breach of trust...

you wouldnt be damaging her chances of getting another job, she has done that all ready by her actions and treatment of you..

I think you have to be honest - all another parent has to go on really is references, and they need to know the truth about a nanny/au pair they are going to leave their children with.

Answer their questions honestly, mention her good points, but if they ask questions about her maturity, discretion, whether you'd employ her again then tell them.

I would also be honest and I hope my referees are honest about me!

It's the only thing you really have to go on and it's so important. How would you feel if someone gave an okay reference about someone they knew was awful? You can talk about personality and give opinions on her maturity, comment on what she did or didn't do and say what she was like to live with without a problem. Also her unreliability at the end is a fact and something I'd want to know about.

Stick to the facts and be very clear if something is your personal feeling e.g. you wouldn't reemploy her

Frak, I think thats the problem, she was generally good with the kids and I was never worried about leaving them with her in terms of their safety, but, I just didn't gell with her and for the last few months the only reason I didn't give her a weeks notice and tell her to do one (see previous posts!) was that she was Australian and a long way from home.

She wasn't awful as such but I found her personality difficult to deal with, perhaps she'd be fine if she was looking for live out. I know the agency have put her forward for a job as a MH where mum is also Australian so perhaps it was a cultural thing with us (I don't really believe that as she was very spoilt!) and she'll get on like a house on fire there. I don't want some other poor lady to be stuck with her as she was bloody hard work although if these people have met and interviewed her and have offered the job subject to references then perhaps they DO like her?

When the agency called I bandied about phrases like 'needs active management' and 'may develop into a good nanny', which will hopefully get the message across.

Thanks all, I'm dreading a mum ringing me direct though!

I would agree and be honest, imagine you are the parent asking for that reference what would you want to hear?
You can be diplomatic and explain why it didn't work out for you but in a different situation things could be better etc.
I had to give a reference once for someone who wasn't that great in the end, I was honest about the whole situation. The mum was grateful and said she was still going to go ahead but was aware of things she needed to look out for/avoid and was also going to put her on a trial period to see for herself. So my reference even though great did not stop her getting the job.

I think 'active management', 'may develop into a good nanny', lots of use of the conditional and "management speak" will probably help.

It will be very obvious you're being reserved and careful. TBH if someone wasn't overwhelmingly positive I'd want to probe more!

Ex-AP is now bothering on for a written reference to attatch to her CV. Do you think this is ok and ambivilent enough?

Miss XXXXX XXXXX worked for us between August 2009 and April 2010; her duties included childcare and some light housework. She took and collected the children to and from school and nursery and often took them to the park or library

We found her to be flexible and reliable and she formed good relationships with our sons.

Please feel free to contact me if you would like a more detailed reference.

Regards,
XXXXXX

I need to pad it out don't you think?

Thanks

Just tell the truth.

That is so short I would assume it wasn't a good reference tbh.