Just caught our Au pair going through our personal stuff

[celtic66]

After being out most of the day I walk into my bedroom to find our Au pair hastily leaving the room all flustered. I didn't think anything of it after all she could have been putting ironing on the bed ( she wasn't) then I noticed drawers left half open and papers on the floor.

I am really annoyed I feel like my privacy has been invaded. I have not said anything as yet because i'm sure she will deny it, there has been no one in the house today only her.

I have not noticed anything missing but she is really nosiey as she looks at our files on the computer.

I feel like i should say something, if she can stoop to this what else does she do? my MIL said leave it and see what happens because she's only here for the summer.

Any suggestions?

Just spotted this thread. Ah "au pair hell" I remember it well!! TOO WELL! While I myself chucked the aupair out with a matter of 5 hours notice (which she deserved) I wonder if in your case you might be better off just putting up with her for the last four weeks.

What if you you sit her down and tell her she is leaving at the end of next week? And then she decides to pay you back while you aren't in the house? Do you really want a scorn soon to be x employee living in your house unsupervised? Might be easier for you to put up with the 4 remaining weeks. But of course you should password protect and install bedroom door locks.

Had to reply to this one , an old employer of mine found her nanny going through her things and decided to not bring up the subject. She then left her alone the next weekend and came back to find out she had borrowed her clothes fur and jewellery to go to a ball .She called me and asked me what i should do , i replied where is your dd and she told me at home with nanny , i told her her to get back home quick , she did only to find dd left with a neightbour (THEY HAD NEVER MEET) and half the silver and gone. Talk to her now , your house, your things your privacy, YOUR CHILD!!!

yes the scorned AP situation does not appeal I may have to take a view on it and see what DH thinks bank statements is bit worrying althgough she could have been looking at AP applications. I think it would have been easier caught her in the act so the situation could not have been misread.

Dizzydo- it is difficult as i Don't like her much she creeps around the house and will plonk her self in the lounge when our friends arrive (there is choice of another room)until gets the hint to leave, never smiles or makes much of an effort. She keeps reminding me how wonderful hungarian food compared to British 'cusine, Englsigh clothes shops are awful ect..and the weather is better and quite a few little insults along the way.

Her saving grace is that she not got long left and her cleaning/ironing obession with the house kids rooms and toys. I may consider creating an excuse for her to leave

I think ther was a therad about this sort of thing about a year ago .... ( maybe just friend and not Au Pair ) but the sentiment was similar.
The offending person basically stole somebody's identitiy and that somebody was subsequently credit blacklisted - NOT Funny
Ditch her - before you get serious egg on your face

I'd get rid of her. This would be a sackable offence and work and this is her work, not on imo. You can't trust her, 4 weeks is nothing, you'll manage without her. I wouldn't want her in my house any more tbh.

Apart from the fact that I dont think our last au-pair snooped, they sound very similar. She talked constantly about how much better everything was than here, was never satisfied with whatever we did for her and was generally pretty miserable. I put up with her because I thought it would be a huge ordeal to get rid and go through recruiting a new girl. So I do know to some extent how you feel. i must say now I do have my new girl I wish I had done it earlier because she is so much nicer. As you say tho for the sake of four weeks is it worth it. But do lock up everything in sight and dont leave her alone too much if you can help it. good luck

I had the same thoughts as crystaltips about identity theft. I think you have to find a way to get rid of her straight away.

I'd maybe change personal details too. Particularly if bank details have been looked at.

I have had to go through my employers personal papers before. They were away for a week and the grandparents were staying over to care for the children on my off time. They accidently managed to set off the house alarm and as luck would have it, I didn't have the 'code' to tell the alarm company and the grandparents forgot. We couldnt get hold of the parents so I had a look through the papers in the office to see if I could find the code somewhere - unfortunately no luck there! I managed to convince the police to leave and promised to phone in the code when I got hold of the parents (which we did the next day)

I would agree that I chat would be in order. It is possible that she was looking for something legitimate, but I am not really sure what that would be! You say she has been through your computer files too, so I would suspect the worst too if I was in your situation.

When I was a teenager, I couldn't go to the loo in someone else's house without having a peek in their bathroom cabinet. Anyone else like that?

I'm afraid I'd fire her - she sounds miserable and untrustworthy. I can't see how you are going to feel comfortable for the next four weeks and surely the whole point of having her is to reduce the stress on you over the holidays?

I don't know where you live but where I live (just outside London) there are tonnes of adverts from girls in newsagents, And loads of fantastic au pairs out there. Let us know what you decide.

I've been a nanny and while I think a bit of snooping goes on eg. a look in the bathroon cabinet, a look around the office( but not touching anything )is acceptable, I think deliberately going through your personel stuff isn't and shows an immaturity _ I wouldn't be happy leaving my kids with this person.

I'm glad to say she leaving in 7 to 10 days basically I can't stand having her around the house but I had to invent a story about a last min hoilday for the children and I have offered to assist her booking a earlier flight home. I have decided I can manage over the summer hols until school term begins and by then I should have some help.

Although she knows I am annoyed at what I caught her doing, and why I have put a password on my PC and banned her from the study and bedroom and made it clear to leave our personal things alone. At least I will destroy banks satements in future.

Although very concerning, I really don't think she was going to do something with our bank details ( although some terrible things have happen as mentioned here) I think she had left them out whilst looking at personal details, references and photos of our new AP/mothers help due to start in september.

Since our chat,she has been extemely pleasant, hummble and more helpful that usual, I am surprised at how charming she can be which is as good as how horrible and insulting she can be. My jaw dropped today when she announced has got a job as an AP for another family nearby and will be staying in the area for another few months - or longer. It seems her new host family has not requested a reference as yet(according to AP) has given her the job on face value. I think she is being extra nice for the sake of a reference.

Celtic - you would be amazed how many families never bother to ask for a reference. I now have a rule that I only ever give verbal references, never written ones, becaise i want to be completely honest with any new family.

Hope you will be honest and tell new family the real reason she is going..................

ssd. I am sorry but I do not see that any snooping is acceptable. You have been entrusted into that family and by virtue of the job you hold that means sharing their home. Personally I dont think you should break that trust by snooping whether it's looking in their cupboards or at their bank statements. I think if you wouldnt ask them outright how much they earnt, what they keep in their bathroom cupboard etc., then you shouldnt find it out for yourself.

I agree there is no acceptable level of snooping, It does feel like an invasion of privacy and a lack of respect. I cant believe my MIL thinks we are over reacting and agrees that without a doubt AP being going through our stuff, but it is due to boredom and even though AP is rude and moody we should put up with it because of her high standard of ironing, housework ect!!!

Golden Oldie - her new family have not asked for a reference and I should imagine will not be doing so. The mother of AP new family rang up to speak to AP and left a very hostile message asking us to ensure she recieves this message and due to AP circumstance she can move in with them ASAP if need be, and they will pick up most of her stuff at the weekend.

I can only assume AP has told her new family a pack of lies maybe saying how hard done to she is. When i asked her about the message she was really vague. I'm shocked that new family are not even going to check out her story.

I find it hard to digest when we made her very welcome and made big effort trying to get to know her.

Poor you Celtic. It comes as a shock to find somebody snooping - I have read all the posts on this thread - and to add injury to insult, her next family feel sorry for her and sympathise with her due to what she has said about you and your family. Struth. I absolutely agree that she should be asked to go after finding her going through your personal things. Unacceptable. You cannot trust somebody like this again and you need to get them out of your household.

If it makes you feel better, I employed a Slovakian nurse as a Mother's Help some four months ago and while she looked as though she was going to burst into tears all the time and hardly smiled, she was hard working. My DH's older children said she gave them the creeps and my friends who saw her thought she was odd in a creepy low self-esteem way but I found her to be hard working although nervous. Last weekend she asked if her cousin could stay and was very apologetic and I told her she was welcome to stay, etc and genuinely meant it. The cousin arrives at 4pm on Saturday and leaves at 8am on Monday morning.At 12 noon the Mother's Help announces she is leaving this Sunday to look after a man in a wheelchair in Bucks!! WHAT? Blinking in disbelief over lunch with the children I ask her to repeat herself!!! I asked her if she thought that less than a weeks' notice was appropriate and she said she didn't want to argue. Her next family have said to her that if it's a problem for her to work the next week for me, she can go and stay with them earlier. They must have a pretty low opinion of me for them to say that which I find strange. They too have not taken up a reference and must think we are the family from hell. I felt insulted by all this on Monday and couldn't believe that I had gone out of my way to make her comfortable, helped her get a bank account, rang the NI people to get her an appt for that, obtained a laptop for her so that she always had internet connection to communicate with her family, etc, etc. Her first family - we are the second - agreed to pay her £250pw net and for the first week paid her £30 because she was "in training"!! They didn't like her evidently and asked her to leave. So off she goes - to her third family - to look after a man in a wheelchair (as she described him) and thank goodness there are people like that who feel compassion for people in that situation and want to look after them. And off your AP goes to work/live with the next family who is local to you. And you know what? Both girls will be exactly the same with their next families and we will be all the wiser and will be rid of them and hopefully happier with the next one.

Also, I would check through her belongings with her before she goes. I haven't done this before but one nanny left with a sheet and pillowcase from the room she stayed in and it was my Housekeeper who told me it was missing the next day. I was hopping mad and would not let this happen again. I would be tempted if I were you to on her way out ask her to open her bags as you did catch her snooping and you want to make sure she is leaving with only her belongings.

If she protests, you could suggest to her that she has her next family as a witness and that you can explain what you found. !!

Celtic you have really had a rough time with this girl and she has treated you very badly. However as ChickPea says, her new family will be wiser in a few weeks time and perhaps wish they had not been so trusting.

Having just (five weeks ago) said goodbye to my Polish au-pair who I never really jelled with mostly to do with her attitude and moods I now have a lovely lovely girl from Germany and you realise (she is au-pair no 6!!) when you get the right one what a great arrangement au-pairs are. I now realise instead of putting up with my old au-pair I should have got rid (which is what most of MNetters said when I ranted about her on a post.

I hope if you do get another one you have better luck.

Def check her stuff before she goes. Mind she does not dissapear. I remember one au-pair who was supposedly working out her notice with us. I went to the supermarket and when I got back she and her belongings had gone leaving me the key on the doormat!

I would also give them a quick ring and let them know why you are letting her go. They can decide for themselves if AP has told them a pack of lies or not.

Our last two au-pairs have been great, but I've learned my lesson and never go out of my way for APs now.

No more airport/coach station pick-ups. They have to find their way to me. Funny how those girls who say thay can't possibly find your house and need to be collected are the same girls who within three weeks know all the job/AP/nanny agencies, have filled in application forms, attended interviews..................

If they want to do a course - fine, in their time, using their money, I just show them on the AtoZ where the college is, no more driving them around, attending college interviews with them, paying for courses, arranging my life to fit their courses etc..............

You don't pick them up from the airport, GO?

I think this is a pretty hard line given the combination of being new to the UK and having luggage. Do you fund the the trip from the airport to your house?

I am clearly too nice. I refund their travel (if they stay I refund their airfare after a few months) and pay for them to go home at Christmas as well. We also pick up from the airport and fund French language classes. Also used to pay for Evil Nanny to go back to Manila for a month every summer.

Ameriscott - I stopped collecting after waiting with small ds for five hours at a very crowded Stanstead for an AP to arrive/making frantic v. expensive international calls on my mobile assuming she had been involved in some terrible accident and had not arrived.

Turned out she had just changed her mind - but had not bothered to let me know - thanks!

I now only hire APs who are already in the country.............

Tanzie - Manila for a month! - the airfare alone must have cost you the best part of £1,000. You are generous.

No, I think stupid is the word you are looking for. Or possibly gullible...